My husband has been looking for a pair of reasonably priced black sandals for much of the summer. He’s a tad bit picky. And he has big feet. Like skin-coloured scuba flippers. With hair. Well, he finally found a pair of affordable and massive footwear and bought a pair of spongy, comfy, and (hopefully successful) odour-eating insoles. The insoles, however, were an unsightly loud colour and stood out like a sore thumb (or should I say toe) against the black.
Now, my husband is a very resourceful type. No conundrum is too great for his mental prowess. Don’t like the colour of your insoles? No problem. That’s what black permanent markers are for. Well, after covering the obnoxious orange with flat black he modelled his fancy feet for me. I was impressed. “Very nice,” I probably said. Or something like that.
The next morning, I entered the shower and was dismayed by the charcoal briquette-coloured footprints on the usually shiny porcelain. Was there a giant licorice baby on the prowl? Mm. Licorice.
No. No mutant snack foods around here. Apparently, permanent marker is no match for a pair of sweaty size 13s.
1) Yesterday was National Mustard Day. If any condiment deserved a day of its very own, I would say its mustard. So I suppose you are wondering why the heck I have a picture of broccoli (yup, that’s broccoli) on a post dedicated to mustard. Or maybe you’re not wondering at all, but let’s just pretend you are.
According to the British Journal of Nutrition, we should be dousing our cooked broccoli spears with the yellow condiment. Cooking broccoli kills its myrosinase–an enzyme that enables us to absorb the cancer-fighting and anti-diabetic compound, sulforaphane. Mustard is high in myrosinase, so problem solved.
Head hurts. Too many big words.
But seriously, mustard on broccoli? Gack. Just threw up in my mouth a bit over that one.
2) Speaking of throwing up–meet the Guinness Book of World Records‘ oldest vomit.
I don’t know quite what to say about this other than, “Ick. Who the hell would want to hold a chunk of puke?” Which is immediately followed by, “And who the hell would want a picture of them holding a chunk of puke?” I’m sure this guy is a hero among his archaeologist friends. This could be why I don’t have any archaeologist friends. Some things should remain buried in dirt.
Well, back to the vomit. Found in Peterborough, UK, it is believed to be 160 million years old. What has something got to eat to have its barf last millions of decades? Definitely not the cereal I had this morning. Even if it was Fibre 1. But that’s a whole other story.
3) When I was a kid, I was taught it was wrong to play with my food. I wonder if my failure to succeed as a cereal artist can be traced back to this rule? Yes, I said CEREAL artist. If I had been allowed to play with my Froot Loops (mm. Froot Loops), I could have been the one to create one of these masterpieces.
My apologies to all the archaeologists out there. I am sure you are quite interesting people. No, really.
Photo Credits: broccoli head (www.watson.org), vomit (www.newscientist.com), Larry King (www.metro.co.uk), Obama (www.buzzfeed.com), Pamela Anderson (www.metro.co.uk), Jerry Seinfeld (www.fakedpotatoes.com), Rice Krispie goose (http://sweetandunsavoury.blogspot.ca/),
The Embiggens Project 
LOL!!
Should remain your blog funny shit I say ->> but i’d think that would have been taken already.
Ya, that domain probably went quickly. Thanks!!
1) SIZE 13! Who (read: WHAT) did you marry? Bigfoot? The Abominable Snowman? My father’s father’s father’s cousin’s youngest son? Well, the last one only applies if your husband’s feet are stinky along with being gigantic.
2) Try acrylic colours. I, once again sticking to the principles of ‘jugaad’ used to paint my old shoes to make them look more acceptable. You can even try glitter. Over here we have these tubes of colorful glitter called ‘Sparkles’. My mother and I would mix some water proof glue into ‘Sparkles’ and make me some nice, cheap “princess shoes”.
3) I despise licorice! Ew! The Hawk just returned from the Netherlands – she’d gone as an exchange student (God, I’m SO jealous) – and she brought back some licorice. She says its a rage over there. But I found it plain disgusting! Have you been eating it since you were a kid or did you develop a taste for it?
4) Hydrolysis of glucosinolate by myrosinase is quite interesting, especially since you have the structures of all the compounds given. I didn’t know you were interested in biochemistry! Yay! (oh, and by the way, my head hurts too.)
5) I happen to be an expert on barfing. Therefore, I think I can tell you about this one. It doesn’t matter what or how much you eat. If you get really, really, really stressed, the barfs come easily.
6) Obama looks like he’s got lipstick on, Pamela scares me, Jerry seems like he should be starring in on of those Loony Toons episodes and Larry King reminds of the Devil. It feels like he’s going to walk out from behind that desk any moment now with the bottom half of a goat and a pointy tail. *shivers*
7) This time it is I, who is impressed with your technical know-how. Poll? Very nice, very nice.
You’re funny!
Yes, my husband does have big feet, but his size sells out really quickly, so we must be becoming a race of Bigfoots. Except me. I have 5 1/2s.
I am not a fan of black licorice, but I do like red. My mom and husband LOVE black licorice. And, apparently, it has the ability to relieve…um…constipation. I like the British All-sorts too. Do you get those there?
I really don’t know anything about biochemistry. That was all down to research. I was really more taken with the thought of mustard on veggies. It was disturbing.
Yes, all of the cereal people look rather freakish. I definitely see the Jerry/Loony Toons thing! Good eye! And Larry King kind of looks like the Devil in real life, so I guess they did a good job capturing his likeness. And Pamela, well, we won’t go there. Funny, right now each one has one vote.
You can get a poll for your posts on the Dashboard at the left. Very easy really. If I can do it, anyone can!
I am! In fact, I’m funny to the extent of “When will this girl shut up?” 😛
I have a feeling that Mr. Facelikeafryingpan must be at least 6’2. If his size sells out quickly, then yes, everybody in Canada seems to have descended from Grizzly Bears. Your shoe size is normal here. I’m the one with giant shoes ranging from size 7 to size 9, depending on the company that’s selling them.
I’m glad to hear you’re not a fan of black licorice and yes, it MUST treat constipation because it really tastes like medicine. No, we don’t get any kind of licorice here, unless you go into one of those high-end stores (aka places Chef and I get kicked out of) with their pretty little displays and snobbish staff, all so full of their uptowniness. Argh.
Also, I’m not a big fan of chocolate or candy. This may sound like cultural narcissism but believe me, you can’t beat Indian sweets. If you have a sweet tooth and happen to live near an Indian market or better yet, a Haldiram’s, try a Rasgulla and a Rasmalai. You’ll end up licking your fingers, I promise.
Mustard with anything is disturbing. Period.
I’ve just incorporated a poll in my latest post: Clint Eastwood v/s Robert Pattinson. I know that’s like comparing the Beatles to Rebecca Black, but Mummy says that we must respect differences of opinion. Sigh. She’s right. Again.
I think I’ll just go sulk in my room now as I eagerly await your next post.
Oh, and, by the way, this one was great! 🙂
Thank you. Yes, “tall” seems to be getting more and more normal here. I’m surprised I don’t have serious neck trouble from looking up all the time.
Mm. Chocolate. I’m not a fan of “candy,” but chocolate is divine. Especially when combined with peanut butter (which is the most divine food ever created). Indian sweets must be amazing if they are better than chocolate.
I am going to visit your blog now and vote for Clint.
Wait a second. The average man in Canada is taller than me? I’m immigrating right now!
I like chocolate better too. Candy is like a lump of sugar and nothing else.
Indian sweets can’t really be compared with chocolate because chocolate have cocoa as their base and Indian sweets have mawa or malai.
Yay Clint!
Gotta find me some mawa!
We also have trouble finding sandals – or any shoes – for my husband’s size 13 flippers. I’ve come to the conclusion that manufacturers have underestimated the number of size 13 footed men walking the planet or they just think those men should only shop on the internet because their shoes take up too much shelf space. I know they take up closet space.
OMG! His shoes take up SO much bloody space. I can fit two pairs on a rack for every one of his. They should make it so anything over a size 11 can be folded neatly in half.
Great idea! Let’s patent that…..
Mustard on broccoli? I think I am going to have to agree with you on that one although I had a friend who literally ate the brilliantly yellow condiment on everything; I’m talking normal things like pretzels and sandwiches to waffles and graham crackers. I’ll have to ask if her if the green veggie has ever made her menu. The guy who kept the age-old bat vomit reminds me of the crazy person who decided it would be cool to keep the eggnog for over 20 years. I was watching the show Fear Factor once and the challenge given to it’s contestants was to slug back a big ‘ol glass of the rancid stuff. I mean? Who does that? it’s like they know that some day, 20 years from now, there will be a use for such grossities. And finally, fruit loop art is the best. I have many a Christmas tree ornament and Mother’s Day necklace to prove I was quite the artist in my day. P.S. I think you can figure out which piece of cereal art above I voted as my fav 😉
Ew! A 20 year old dairy product! That beats giant, stinging cockroaches and ox testicles any day. Maybe I should hold on to that furry cucumber that’s gestating some weird moulds in my crisper. Joe Rogan will love it.
I knew you’d vote for the same Froot Loop art as me.
Haha maybe you should. Come to think of it, I actually think I’ve got some bread that’s turning a lovely shade of purple to add to your collection 😉
Wouldn’t that make some lovely cucumber finger sandwiches. Maybe we should add some real fingers.
A gourmet dish if I ever saw one. Mario Batali, eat your heart out. Ooh…speaking of hearts…a potential appetizer? I heard they are some sort of delicacy in France. Personally I would prefer mozzarella sticks but maybe that’s just me 😉
Mmm. Mozzarella sticks.
My husband also wears a size 13! But luckily he’s not the picky one. I’ve been searching for a shoe all summer as well. I can relate. If I ever found it, I’d probably resort to black marker if I didn’t like the color.
Maybe my hubby has started a new trend…