Is Someone Chewing On My Pancreas?

Call me neurotic, but I am pretty particular about my skin holes. By skin holes, I am referring to cuts, lacerations, and punctures–pretty much anything that leaves my innards exposed. As people commissioned to protect said innards, I expect health care professionals to be equally, if not more, attentive to safe medical practices than I am.

Enter sloppy nurse. We’ll call her Nursey McSlopperson. If anyone out there actually has the surname “McSlopperson,” I apologize and add that any likeness to any member of the McSlopperson clan is purely coincidental. Then again, if your name is actually McSlopperson, you should really consider changing it–particularly if you are planning on entering the medical profession.

At first glance, Nurse McSlopperson is anything but scary. But don’t let her Spongebob scrubs fool you.

spongebob evil

Sponges are harbingers of all sorts of nasty bacteria. Spongebob is a walking cesspool of filth.

I regularly get allergy shots at Mrs. McSlopperson’s place of business–we’ll call it The Doctor’s Office That Employs Nurse McSlopperson. There are other nurses here too. They are not sloppy. They wear Snoopy and Mickey Mouse scrubs. They are harmless and nice. Unfortunately, I seem to get Sloppy Nurse more often than not.

Why is she sloppy? I don’t know. Maybe her mom, Mother McSlopperson, never taught her basic hygiene. Maybe her mother was also a sloppy nurse. Oh, you meant “why do I think she is sloppy?” Here’s why. When you get a needle, it leaves a perfect little hole–an entrance into the inner workings of your body. A sterile band-aid is needed to close that point-of-entry and protect your guts from foreign invaders. “Sterile” is the operative word.

Nurse McSlopperson, however, peels the band-aid open and sticks it on herself, gives me the needle, and peels the band-aid off her own skin and applies it to mine. This, in my opinion, is disgusting. Who knows what strange microbes lurk on her epidermis. She could be harboring a flesh-eating fugitive. She may not have washed her hands after using the washroom. A dog may have licked her hand after licking his balls. She may have just finished giving a woman with chlamydia a PAP smear. Anything is possible. And everything goes through my mind.



I can almost feel the dude with the cowboy boots sidling through my blood stream.

The most troubling problem is that I cannot wash my innards. Whatever toxic slurry traveled from her skins cells into my needle hole are now gnawing their way through my bloodstream, digging their dirty fingernails across my organs, and pooping on my cells. No amount of Purell can fix that. I’m not going to sleep tonight. I sort of feel like this…


Do you think this is a sloppy nurse or am I just being my overly neurotic self? 


Photo Credits:

Evil Spongebob: BanVotesGames // BVG

Germ hand:


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