Hm. Pretty. Pink snow, rubber glove faces, and tongues of fur.

Holy crappy crapperson!  In a period of twenty-four freakin’ hours we went from fields of green–okay, it’s spring, so they weren’t quite green.  More like fields of mud and straw, but I digress–to being buried in snow.  I know.  I live in Canada.  I should be used to snow.  After all, I live in a bloody igloo, right?  I’ve got a dozen huskies and a sleigh parked in the driveway.  NOT.  No matter what misconceptions you may possess about the land that we Canucks call home–snow in April is weird.  And wrong.

As I look out my kitchen window donning my darkest shades–snow is blindingly bright–I can’t help but wonder, “What would the world look like if snow wasn’t white?”  Imagine everything covered in a blanket of yellow.  Ew.  Nix that idea.  I keep hearing my uncle’s warning, “Never eat yellow snow.”  His wisdom is a thing to be treasured.

Who in the hell has been pissing in my yard?

Who in the hell has been pissing in my yard?

I thought perhaps red–being green’s complimentary colour–might liven up the landscape.  But then how would anyone know if a mass murder has taken place in their back yard?

Maybe we’d best go with a hue that is close to red, but different enough to allow massive bloodstains to remain visible.  Fuchsia.  Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers would benefit from this.  How can anyone be depressed in a hot pink world?  Tourists from “snowless” territories would flock to the North en masse.  Seriously, who wouldn’t want to build a fuchsia snowperson?

If snow was always red, this wouldn't be funny.

If snow was always red, this wouldn’t be funny.

Then again, look at what happened to the poor pink Teletubby.  Would small children be “warned” against the evils of building hot pink snowmen.  Apparently, “real men”–and Teletubbies–don’t wear pink.

Don't hate me because I'm pink.  Hate me because I'm ugly.

Don’t hate me because I’m pink. Hate me because I’m ugly.

One problem.  Pink snow would probably stain clothing.  Anyone who’s ever spilled a bottle of Pepto Bismol on white carpeting will know that pink is a bitch to get out.

Imagine French Kissing this thing?

Imagine French Kissing this thing?

1)  I haven’t eaten breakfast yet–and, after looking at this monstrosity, I don’t think I will.  Ack.  But speaking of strange-coloured things and Pepto Bismol made me think of the fact that an ingredient for the tummy-taming goop can actually turn your tongue black.  The culprit, Bismuth, can temporarily–thank God–transform a perfectly normal pink tongue into this.  Bismuth is designed to be consumed with water, so if you chew a tablet and don’t rinse right away, this could happen to you.  And, let’s face it, tongues are creepy at the best of times–all bumpy and covered in spit–but add some black fur and you’ve got yourself the star of a low-budget horror flick.

Apparently, black tongue isn’t harmful–unless you’ve got a hot date that night–and can be removed with some serious brushing.  Lucky toothbrush.

He's gonna go for the tongue, I just know it.

He’s gonna go for the tongue, I just know it.

There is nothing uglier than a tanned face.  Other than the contraption designed to prevent a tanned face.

There is nothing uglier than a tanned face. Other than the contraption designed to prevent a tanned face.

2) It would appear that in China, a tanned face is as undesirable as a black tongue.  And they will go to great lengths to maintain a porcelain complexion–lengths that include strapping on a face-shaped rubber glove.  Hm, nothing like the intoxicating aroma of latex and sweat on a warm summer day. Meet the Facekini–a sun protection device that resembles a Halloween mask gone awry.

Speaking of horror flicks, can you image a beach filled with these seemingly hairless, rubber-faced, crayon-coloured creatures?  They don’t even have eyebrows.  And the Facekini doesn’t even hide black tongues.

Has no one in China ever heard of SPF 60?

Apparently, being cute doesn't make you popular.

Apparently, being cute doesn’t make you popular.

3)  I still haven’t had breakfast and I have no idea what to have.  My conundrum made me wonder what America’s best-selling cereal is.  It turns out that the preferred cereal is not a flake, nor a crispy, and neither is it a cluster.  It is simply an “o”–a cheery one at that.

Yes, Cheerios may not boast an adorable mascot–unless you’re into the Honey Nut variety–but it can lay claim to more devoted fans than any other cold breakfast cereal.

Interestingly, Canadians also favour this vowel produced by General Mills.

Sorry, Sam.  You’re Froot Loops are pretty, but we prefer our circles bland.  And our boxes boring and yellow.

Crap, it’s lunchtime.  Gotta go.

Photo Credits:  Fur tongue (orabrush.com), worried toothbrush (drawception.com), Facekini (feeldesain.com), Teletubby (tvguide.com), yellow snow (furturemoons.com), wounded snowpeople (ibeatyou.com), Cornelius (retroplanet.com).

Underwear for your Hands, Fur for your Tongue, and Blankets for your Security

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

We feed the crows and ravens that live around our house.  In fact, they actually come when I call them.  The neighbours have grown accustomed to hearing me call “Big Bird”…at least, I think they have become accustomed to this.

The thing they are not likely used to is finding weird food items in odd places.  We often give the crows bread with peanut butter on it.  Needless to say, I often see slices of whole wheat basking on my neighbour’s roof.  He has found chicken bones in his gutter, which he finds especially puzzling.  We, of course, play dumb.  And the best, was french fries on top of his cedar hedge.  That was a head-scratcher for sure.

1)  I know that I’ve featured a number of dumb products that are actually available to the public, but this one is special.

At first, I dismissed it as being too stupid to be true.  But, the more I look at them, the more they grow on me. They’re kind of cute.  Probably great for cycling. Who would have thought–tighty whities for the hand!

The website claims they prevent chafing (who gets hand chafing?), distract your enemies (who is this person that is so hated that they must wear attention-grabbing undergarments on their hands?), and are perfect for jazz hands.  So, for a mere $11.95 plus shipping you can do all of the above and more.      http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/Handerpants.html

2) Okay, I just grossed myself out.  This picture is like a traffic accident.  I don’t want to look at it, but I can’t stop.  And the worst part is that this could happen to any one of us.

This is a condition called “hairy tongue.”  Apparently, in normal circumstances, our papillae are worn down by food and usual mouth activity.  Sometimes, however, the papillae grow longer than normal and become “stained” by food and tobacco.  If I had a tongue that looked like this, I would never leave the house again.

How can I avoid this infliction?  It is caused by the use of antibiotics and is linked to thrush.  And some sources state that it can also occur within 24 hours of taking Pepto-Bismol.

If you should wake up one morning with a furry, black tongue, don’t panic.  It usually resolves itself.  And you can help it along by brushing your tongue twice a day with a soft toothbrush.

I, however, would probably attack the hairy beast with an SOS pad.  And a giant eraser.  Maybe even a Mr. Clean Eraser.  This is truly gross.

3)  Did you know that Charles Schulz is famous for more than just the creation of the beloved Peanuts characters?  He is also responsible for the term “security blanket.”  Cool.  I’d love to invent my own word or phrase, but unfortunately all my ideas are dopey and probably won’t catch on.

Speaking of security blankets, did you have one?  I did.  It was a light green towel with a purple stripe in the middle and its name was “Huggy.”  Huggy did double duty by also acting as my napping blanket in kindergarten.

I wonder where Huggy is now.  I am probably better off not knowing.  He probably didn’t go to his happy place.