Tag Archives: roadside attractions

No arms, skinny legs, a giant diaper, and a blanket that scares me.

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in October 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I am feeling a tab bit discombobulated today and stringing together coherent thoughts is quite beyond my capabilities.  Stupid, random sentences that have nothing to do with each other is much more within my reach.

Everyone seems to think birds have it made because they can fly.  But imagine going through life with no arms.  Seriously.  Getting peanut butter off your beak without hands or paws or anything remotely like that must be a pain in the ass.  And the “armed” creatures all make fun of the way you walk.  It’s hard to strut when you have no arms to swing.  Or hands to put in your pockets.  Speaking of pockets, birds have very skinny legs and no hips, so pants are out of the question.  And without arms, they can’t wear shirts.  They will never know the joy of having pockets.  Plus, they must get tired of eating the same old thing all the time.  How many ways can you serve a worm?

Which brings me to another question.  Why do we call pants “pants” in the plural?  And why does one “pant” constitute a pair?  Some say it’s because they have two legs in them.  A shirt has two sleeves, but it remains a lowly, singular item.  Is this because we place more value on legs than on arms?  Hm.  That should make the bird feel a bit better.

1)  Birds, like anyone else, need to have fun and I am sure that one of their favourite pastimes involves well-aimed poop and shiny, red cars.  I know.  I own one.  A shiny, red car that is.  Not a bird poop.  Although, I do occasionally have a few in my possession on said shiny, red car.

It turns out that someone has found a way to rob our feathered friends of this sport.  Yes, they have created diapers for birds.  How humiliating.

If you feel compelled to diaper your canary, you can find these babies at http://www.diapersforbirds.com/index.asp.  They have even included a how-to video for the first-time avian parent.

They could have at least included pockets.

2)  Even our insults seem to malign our feathered friends.  Take the term “bird brain.”  Humans have deemed the avian mind to be laughable–so small that even Dan Quayle (ironically named after a bird) could out-spell it.

But, perhaps, we have been wrong.  Turns out that a diet of caterpillars and crickets is the healthy way to go.  Ack.  There goes my cinnamon swirl peanut butter with raisins in it.  Never eat raisins before you compose a blog about bugs.

Scientists agree that insects are chalked full of protein, iron, and vitamins.  For every 100 grams of caterpillars you gnaw on, you are getting 28 grams of protein.  That’s impressive.  Unless you’re the caterpillar.  And if you prefer the finer things in life, perhaps steamed silk worm is more your style.  Sounds elegant, doesn’t it?

And here’s a useful little ditty for you to remember the next time you go digging for your dinner:

Red, orange, yellow, forget this fellow.

Black, green, or brown, wolf it down.

3)  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a HUGE fan of crows.  And I finally have the chance to feature one of the coolest roadside attractions  that I had the thrill of discovering–three 11 foot tall metal crows in Upstate New York.  They’re on the I-81 just south of the Ivy Lea Bridge (aka Thousand Islands Bridge) to Canada and can be seen most easily from the southbound lane.  Don’t blink or you will miss them.  Seriously.

Sculptor, Will Salisbury, created 3 Crows in a Field from 1999-2001 as a “campaign to abolish boredom.”  I know it keeps me and my “bird brain” (actually referring to myself, not my husband) entertained.

Photo Credits:  bugs (www.ifood.tv), crows (www.roadsideamerica.com), Gary Larson Cartoon (www.thebirdforums.com).

Big Hoes, Giant Teeth, and a Run-away Cheese

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”  Rita Rudner.  

Apparently, when I was in kindergarten, I came home crying to my mother that a boy at school had pushed me down and stepped on my throat.  Seriously, stepped on my throat?  Sadistic little bugger.  My husband would say that this likely happened because I talk too much (and, to his dismay, this early assault on my larynx did little to inhibit my propensity for chatter).

My mother, of course, calmed me down and said something motherly like “he probably just has a crush on you.”  Yes, crushing a little girl’s esophagus is the pre-preschooler’s equivalent of red roses and chocolates.  But, I did notice that my mother’s face was making strange contortions as she made this declaration–turns out that she thought my horrific experience was incredibly funny.   One of the benefits of having offspring, so it seems, is the hours of comedic relief they provide.

1)  Humans are fascinated by regular, everyday objects made big.  It’s a strange phenomenon really.  If you build it, they will come–no matter what “it” is.

It reminds me of the episode of Corner Gas, when Hank proposes that Dog River build something really big to attract tourists.  Well, the mayor’s aunt suggests a large “hoe,” which then leads to a “dirty hoe,” and if it’s not made right it could become a “crack hoe.”  And it digressed from there.

You can view a clip here:

Turns out that someone thought it would be a great idea to build a giant molar and plunk it down on the side of the road.

And, just in case no one flocks out to see this giant dental masterpiece, they decided to build an audience too.  No, those are not real people enthralled with the gargantuan tooth.  They are statues.  I kid you not.

Where can you feast your eyes on this masterpiece?  It resides at 637 Sloan Ave, Trenton, NJ 08619.

2)  Not only will humans travel great distances to see boring things made big, but we also love to partake in extremely dumb contests.  I have introduced you to fish flinging, wife hauling, and even a tug-of-war competition that cost some people their arms.  Now, we turn our eyes to the U.K, where people risk life and limb for a big wheel of cheese.

Cooper’s Hill in Gloucestershire provides the perfect setting for this annual event that is believed to have been going on for roughly 200 years.  The hill is actually a very steep incline–more cliff-like, really–and the muddier it is, the better.  Someone rolls a wheel of cheese down the sharp drop and people chase after it.  The first one to the bottom receives the prize–which in my case, would be a whole lot of constipation.

Yes, people get very muddy.  Some even wear white suits to highlight the grime.  But many have actually been carted off on stretchers with broken bones and concussions.  In fact, 2005’s events proved extra bloody.  A forced “intermission” took place, while the racers waited for all of the ambulances to return from the hospital, where they had taken the wounded from earlier races.

Yes, people are weird.  You can take a gander at some cheese-loving maniacs here:

3)  Now that I’ve made you sit through some useless information, here is a bit of trivia that someone might actually be able to use.  I have to thank my friend, Stephanie, for providing me with this jewel.

There are things in life that we just accept as being the way they are without ever questioning why.  Bread tabs come in different colours.  It never really occurred to me to wonder why…until now.

It turns out that the colours actually mean something.  They tell us on which day of the week our bread was baked.  Here’s how it works:

Monday =blue.

Tuesday =green.

Thursday =red.

Friday =white.

Saturday =yellow.

(Note that the colours are in alphabetical order to make it easier to remember.  Sometimes, we humans are clever.)

So, if it’s Saturday, ideally you want a yellow tag.  Definitely not blue–or the tag might not be the only thing that’s blue.

And, this fact has been verified by everybody’s favourite myth-testing site–Snopes.