I like my pillow done extra crispy with a bowl of goat grass and a side order of dangling boogers.

How can a face be both greasy and dry?  Surely, one’s sebaceous glands could learn to work in tandem and produce a consistent, even layer of oil.  Not enough to make your face look like it could butter a slab of toast, but enough that you don’t walk around all day with flakes of dead skin congregating around your peeling nostrils like a bunch of renegade boogers.

Okay, Toni Braxton.  Is that dry skin or a nasty old booger?

Okay, Toni Braxton. Is that dry skin or a nasty old hunk of snot?

Most people experience a greasy T-zone.  My face does not know the alphabet.  It is basically illiterate.  My oily patches form more of a W.  A big-ass W.  Keep in mind that I hit puberty over thirty years ago.  I should be enjoying that point of life between having a teenage bumpy face and developing a visage that looks like well-worn leather.  The years between zits and wrinkles that most people get to enjoy.  I should not be clinging to a complexion that looks like I’ve been bobbing for apples in a vat of vasoline.

Should I believe those supposed altruistic celebrities that swear by ProActive or should I listen to the old lady at church that recommends a face full of mayo?  On the one hand, ProActive’s endorsers get paid to compliment it.  And, on the other hand, the old lady at church has skin like an over-microwaved pea.

Would you take skincare advice from this?

Would you take skincare advice from this?

I know.  An oily face will keep me looking young.  But I am tire of pimples.  Blind people keep mistaking my face for braille.

But enough about me.

1.  Did you know that a stye is basically a zit in the eye?  Ack.  Again, I must ask–what the heck is up with sebaceous glands?  Does anyone really need grease in their eyes?  Well, here is an interesting stye fact.  Another word far a “stye in the inner corner of the eye” is an AEGILOPS.  According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Aegilops is also the longest English word with its letters in alphabetical order.  I just bet your life wasn’t complete without knowing that little fact.  It is also a type of goatgrass, but who really cares about that?

I guess he does.

Did somebody say "goatgrass?"

Did somebody say “goatgrass?”

2.  Some people suffer from really over-active oil glands.  I worry about their pillows.  No seriously.  Would you want to absorb some greasy person’s face juice all night long?  I wondered if anyone has constructed a pillow with oily sleepers in mind.  It turns out that they have.

Nothing soaks up grease like a hamburger bun.  Just ask a burger.

Nothing soaks up grease like a hamburger bun. Just ask a burger.

Finally, a guy who won't mind if I get face grease on his shirt.

Finally, a guy who won’t mind if I get face grease on his shirt.

A pillow that you can blame for your greasy face.

A pillow that you can blame for your greasy face.

Perfect after a night of zit picking.

Perfect after a night of zit picking.

And I found this baby at http://jenniferandjonny.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/48/#comment-20…for the person who has simply given up.

The "I can't stand my oil slick of a face anymore" pillow.

The “I can’t stand my oil slick of a face anymore” pillow.

3. Okay, so this video is not for the faint at heart or weak of stomach.  I have to admit, that I found it simultaneously vomit-inducing and mesmerizing–like watching Gordon Ramsay clean out a mould-infested refrigerator on Kitchen Nightmares.  This is a dermatologist extracting a rare, but enormous form of blackhead.  Remember, I said ENORMOUS.  These massive pustules were likely the inspiration for the ostrich pillow found above.

black head extraction

Suddenly, my oily W-zone doesn’t bother me so much anymore.

Photo credits:  Toni Braxton (http://www.cadfanatic.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/tonibraxtonbooger.jpg), jabba the hut (http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100915194256/starwars/images/thumb/7/7f/Jabba_SWSB.png/250px-Jabba_SWSB.png), goat (http://www.wisegeek.org/do-goats-make-good-pets.htm#field), burger pillow (http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Hl5bQduRAMc/SDSyPq2oDeI/AAAAAAAAAuA/xpJQH-qAJ_w/s1600/hamburger+pillow.jpg), bacon pillow (http://images.thewirelesscatalog.com/graphics/products/regular/VM9812.jpg), boyfriend pillow (,   scabs pillow (http://www.badderhomesandgardens.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/il_570xN.328760944.jpg),

The Origins of Embiggen, Murphy the Molar, and the Lap Pillow

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”  Robert Benchley.

I don’t know if you noticed (I’m hoping someone did), but I changed my blog’s name.  Apparently, the other one was too hard to spell–unless you speak fluent Italian.  I should have known it would be problematic when I–its creator–kept having to double-check the spelling.  What can I say?  I’m not too bright.  But, that’s the whole purpose of this blog–to learn new things and, if nothing else, to make me brighter.

1) I decided to kill the proverbial “two birds with one stone”–explain why I named my blog  The Embiggens Project, while giving you a new and life-changing piece of information.  Do you detect the sarcasm?

No blog is complete without a Simpsons reference.  Not only is the show brilliant, but it is the longest-running sitcom in history.  And it has filled this blogger’s brain with a plethora of useless information.  A perfect example is a history of the word “embiggen.”

“Embiggen” was actually born in 1884, in a British journal entitled Notes and Queries: A Medium of Intercommunication for Literary Men, General Readers, Etc.  It sounds official enough, doesn’t it?  Just wait until you read the sentence that introduced the world to this new verb–“but the people magnified them, to make great or embiggen, if we may invent an English parallel as ugly. After all, use is nearly everything.”  So, there we are.  Embiggen=make great.

Embiggen later found its way into scientific journals dealing with string theory.  You know that when a word has been deemed acceptable by the science world, it has truly hit the big time.  But “embiggen” was destined for bigger and better things and thanks to a community of yellow cartoon characters with eight fingers, it entered the homes of millions of TV viewers.  Although it seemed to have only stuck in the minds of a few of us.

On a statue of Jebediah Springfield–the founder of the town which is populated by the Simpson clan, the Flanders, the Comic Book Guy, Krusty the Klown, the Wiggums, Apu, and Milhouse–is the town’s motto  “A Noble Spirit Embiggens the Smallest Man.” So there you have it.

2) Okay, so I have been dying to find a way to incorporate “Murphy the Molar” into my blog and I have finally done it!  (Does anyone else remember this singing tooth who starred in television commercials in the early 1970s?  I know that I will have his theme song stuck in my head for the rest of the day, which isn’t really a bad thing.  It makes me smile).

Back to the task at hand.  I have a question for you.  What is the most popular colour of toothbrush?  I’ll give you a moment to think about that.  Here’s a hint–my husband is using one right now.

I don’t really feel like getting up to answer the door, so I’ll give you the answer–BLUE.  Yes, apparently this is a colour that both sexes enjoy.  Next time you are shopping, be bold–go for neon yellow or hot pink.  Turn the dental hygiene world on its ass and maybe next year’s stats will be completely different.

A special thanks to Murphy.

3) The Japanese are truly innovative people.  I recently featured their square watermelon, but now I have found an even more intriguing (polite way of saying bizarre) invention–the Hizamakura Lap Pillow.  Yes, a pillow that resembles the lower half of the female torso.  “She” comes in a red skirt or a black one and retails for $131 US.

To make things even stranger, the manufacturer also offers a “maid costume” version–a model that is currently SOLD OUT.  Yes.  Sold out.

And, in case the ladies are feeling left out, we can always purchase a “boyfriend arm” pillow.  Buy a bunch of each and turn your bedroom into a body-part riddled crime scene.

People have way too much disposable income.