People who love the winter have something seriously wrong with them. I don’t care if you’re an acrobatic back-flipping downhill skier, an expert snowperson builder, or the guy who salts our street like it’s a slab of pork rind–no one in their right mind would choose winter over the other three seasons.
Who wants a nose that feels like it is full of small tenement blocks and bleeds every time you try to “clean it out?” I know–some of you are probably saying “EW!” right now. But you are not from these parts. We may have snow on the ground and damp in the air OUTSIDE, but our toasty homes contain air as dry as a popcorn fart. Nasal passages don’t stand a chance. I’m with George Costanza on this one–“with all that dry desert air, I bet that even Moses had occasion to pick.”
God help the women of Eastern Canada because boobs get itchy. I bet that every estrogen-owner north of the 49th can’t wait to find a private place to claw at her nipples. I know that you’re thinking about it right now. Go ahead. Scratch. I won’t look. I’ll be too busy with my own.
And who in the hell enjoys trying to get the bottom of their pants into a pair of tall boots. A person can’t wear skinny jeans every single day and normal ones make your boots all bloated and bumpy looking if you don’t put them in just right. It’s a pain, is it not?
And, holy crap–hair really does like to do its own thing in the winter, doesn’t it? No amount of goop can tame it. And I have long, curly, red hair. This is how I look from December to March.
Please keep in mind, that the only resemblance that I have to these photos is the hair. I do not have a red triangular nose and pasty white complexion. Nor do I have Carrot Top’s freakish eyebrows or Raggedy Ann’s missing upper lashes. And my shoes aren’t sewn on to my feet.
1) Elaine Davidson of the UK, also the Guinness World Record Holder for the woman with the most piercings, would have one hell of a time trying to rid her nose of oxygen barriers. By 2006, she had been been punctured by 4225 piercings. With that many holes in her, she probably doesn’t float. Thankfully, she lives in the damp of Scotland and doesn’t have to worry about dry air encrusting her nose.
And, no. She doesn’t set off the metal detectors at the airport.
2) My shovel is not my friend. Spending time with him involves a lot of work. The snowblower is much easier to get along with.
But it turns out that I have been missing out on a perfect way to bond with my shovel–shovel racing. Yup. It really exists and wasn’t created by Canadians. In fact, this sport was born in New Mexico of all places.
At Angel Fire Resort, in the Southern Rockies, snow-shovel enthusiasts can be seen careening down mountainous slopes at speeds of up to 70 mph. Holy crap. Only old-school metal shovels are allowed. For some reason, visions of Clark Griswold‘s food-varnish-covered flying saucer springs to mind. But these snow-shoveled psychopaths aren’t in a movie, and trees don’t know to stay out of their way.
A recent variation of the sport involves hooking up your shovel to a horse, shouting a yee-haw or two, and going wherever your equine takes you. Yup, that’s just where I want to be when Black Beauty takes a dump. Under her butt on a shovel.
3) One thing I really don’t understand is the whole “electrified outdoor clothing” trend. Why would anyone want electric mitts? Sure, they’re warm. But sitting on the electric chair is probably toasty too.
Mitts are meant for snow. Snow is made of water. Water and electricity don’t mix. If you build a snowball in electric mitts, will you electrocute yourself? I mean, it bodes well for your intended snowball victim. But it does seem like a rather harsh punishment for engaging in child’s play.
And what happens if your hands sweat?
Stress makes my hands sweat when I’m not wearing heated mittens. Worrying about my heated mittens killing me will definitely exacerbate the problem. What if your wearing your heated mittens while riding a shovel behind a horse and the horse pees on your hands? Will you die under a horse’s ass?
Heated mitts are clearly not for the neurotic.
I have to go. My nose is bleeding.
Photo credits: tongue stretch sarahsdoodles.wordpress.com, men in tights thefwoosh.com, Carrot Top guestofaguest.com, Ronald McDonald www.hcpl.net, Raggedy Ann poietes.wordpress.com, piercings www.telegraph.co.uk, shovel dude www.ibtimes.com, horse poop www.environmentalgraffiti.com, autopsy cartoon mobileintensiveprayerunit.blogspot.com.