A Tree Made of Rubber, A Head Full of Snot, and A Bike Named Bob

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”  Steven Wright.

Two days until the start of Fall a.k.a. Autumn.  I wonder why it has two names.  Actually, I really wonder how the name “fall” came about.  Is it because the leaves “fall?”  What if you live in a country where leaves don’t fall?  What if your surrounded by pines, or palms, or rubber trees?  By the way, rubber trees sound cool.  Trees made of rubber.  I wonder if they bend like Gumby.

In winter, the snow “falls,” so why didn’t we call it fall?  Why doesn’t summer have the alias “swelter?”  Spring could be called “smells like poop.”  I like that.  People would ask, “Where are you going for Smells Like Poop Break?”

I am currently suffering through a summer cold–soon to become a Fall cold.  My head is a throbbing cesspool of snot.  My ears can no longer do what they are paid to do–hear.  They seem to have decided to try aching instead.  Even my tongue hurts.  Who the hell gets a sore tongue?

On the upside, my husband is enjoying the quiet.  But I am going crazy.  I must yammer.  Thank God for blogs.  And a captive audience.  Assuming you’re still there.  (Insert sound of crickets).

And I’ve never actually seen a rubber tree.  If you cut one down, I’m sure the logs don’t bounce.  But I like to imagine they do.  For some reason, this reminds me of a Seinfeld bit…

1)  Speaking of bouncing, here is a ball that doesn’t bounce.  It’s made of cling wrap.  It clings.

According to the Guinness World Records people, this is the world’s largest ball made of cling wrap.  There have been others?  And this sucker weighs over 281 pounds.  The last time I looked, Saran Wrap wasn’t cheap, making this one valuable ball.  Not that anyone would want to use any of this cellophane now.  He’s put his feet on it.  And I think I see dog droppings in the lawn.

2)  Rubber Trees remind me of the Osmond’s and their brief TV Show, The Osmond Family Show.  Marie sang the song “High Hopes” about the rubber tree plant on that show. I was never a fan of Donnie & Marie, if I’m completely honest.  I just remember that Donnie wore purple socks.  The whole family had very nice teeth.  I bet if they all smiled at once, the blinding, white light could be seen from space.  And they were all horribly sweet and nice.  They made the Brady Bunch look like the Manson Family.  My favourite Brady was the dog, “Tiger,” which is a cat’s name–a fact that confused me immensely as a child.  And, apparently, also as an adult.  That sentence consisted of nothing but words that start with “a.”  Cool.

3)  So, while Marie Osmond was singing about an ant and a rubber tree plant, what were Americans naming their children?  According to the Social Security Administration, 1979’s top names were:

Jennifer & Michael.

Out of curiosity, I checked 1929 as well.  Turns out Mary & Robert were # 1 then.

That’s why my bike is named Bob.  And my car.  Bob’s a good name.

Now, I must go blow my nose.

Photo Credits:  Cling Wrap Ball (Huffington Post), baby (blog.howdesign.com).

Weird Toes, Edible Mail, and 1912

Wow!  As I attempt to learn three new things each day, I find that I am learning to listen.  For those of you who know me, this is a major feat as I am the one that is usually talking.  I’ve come to the realization that I won’t learn anything through listening to my own voice, but others have a lot to offer.  Who knew?

After putting on my listening ears, I managed to acquire another three nuggets of enthralling information.  Okay, I guess this would be highly subjective–one person’s “enthralling” is another person sedative.

1)  My second toe is far longer than my big toe–a condition known as Morton’s Toe.  Several years ago, one of my past room mates informed me that this condition meant that I was predisposed to become a serial killer.  Thankfully, I have never encountered any evidence to back this up.

While perusing the Internet yesterday, I did accidentally come across some more facts about the Morton’s Toe and those “afflicted” with this digit problem–facts that I must add are much easier on my self-esteem.  Foot-related self-esteem, anyway.

So, here’s a few facts that will make you proud to wear sandals this summer.  The Morton’s Toe has been referred to as the Greek Toe and has been celebrated in both Greek and Roman sculpture.  In fact, the Statue of Liberty boasts a large pair of Morton’s Toes as well.  Furthermore, the Morton’s Toe is a dominant trait.  No wimpy toe genes for me.  Yay!  Strangely elongated second toes rock.

2) Let’s face it.  The coconut is one of nature’s perfect foods–sweet, healthy–and “oh so yummy” wrapped in chocolate.  Yesterday, thanks to National Geographic, I learned that it is ideal for another less obvious purpose–mailing.

Apparently, it is perfectly legal and acceptable to mail a coconut in the United States.  Annually, roughly 3000 people write an address on the husks, affix the proper postage, and mail their loved ones a round postcard.  I wasn’t the only one fascinated by this as Mythbusters have given this myth the “truth” stamp, after receiving their self-addressed coconut in the mail. And, according to the National Geographic, the pumpkin has also been successfully mailed.

Imagine the money that could be saved on envelopes–not to mention the trees that could be spared.  I wonder if I can talk one of my friends that are getting married this summer in to sending out coconut wedding invitations.  I really just want see my postman try to fit one into my mailbox.

3)  I have been looking up baby names a lot lately.  And NO, it is not for the reason that you think.  I am trying to come up with the perfect pen name.  It’s fun picking out your own name, but it’s not as easy as it sounds.

Keeping in mind my age, I can hardly give myself a young name like Kaitlyn or Kylie.  But I don’t want to go too old either–Thelma just won’t cut it.  So, what did I do to break the moniker-hunting monotony?  I decided to find out what the most popular baby names were exactly a century ago.

All of the websites that I could find that provided baby names statistics for 1912 agree.  The most popular names in both the U.S. and Canada were John and Mary.  This knowledge has had no impact on my pseudonym selection whatsoever, but I do find it interesting.

And to all my readers named Mary or John–you can bask in the knowledge that your names are timeless classics.