I have had swimmer’s ear for over thirty years now —no swimming required. If you aren’t sure what swimmer’s ear (a.k.a “otitis externa”) entails, here’s the best way I can describe it. Grab the vomit bags that you stole from KLM the last time you flied. Holy crap. Did I just type the word “flied?” Swimmer’s Ear, by the way, does not impair one’s ability to tense verbs. I wish I could say it does and provide myself with an excuse for my sudden lapse in literacy skills. Did I tell you that I am a former high school English Teacher? The “former” part is no longer a mystery.

Okay, back to the barf bags. Have you got them in the open position? Hold on tight, because you’re going to need them. It’s going to be “suck on a stranger’s toe” gross.

Swimmer’s Ear is like having an ear-hole filled with clumps of flaky dead skin that makes you itch profusely. The itch makes you want to dig in your ears and pull out the clumps, which, inevitably fall on your shoulder. Now, if you have the misfortune of wearing something black, people will think you have the largest dandruff flakes known to man. Seriously, Guinness Record worthy. And, Swimmer’s Ear, smells like your head is full of sewer water. Now, I don’t know what you get up to at night, but I have never been anywhere near a sewer. Or its water. And surely, my ears have never been dunked in one.

But I have spent several fleeting moments over the years wondering if my boyfriends could get swimmer’s tongue. Ack.

The truly wretch-inducing fact is that the clumps are not dead skin at all. They are, in fact, fungus. Yup, I have a regular mushroom farm growing in the very orifices that I am supposed to hear with. And this raises another question. If I am allergic to mould, does that make me allergic to my ears?

Holy crap! A fungus that looks like an ear.

This fungi that resembles ears — not to be confused with the fungi that lives in an ear — is often referred to as Jew’s Ears, Wooden Ear Mushrooms, Jelly Fungus, or the apt “Ear Fungus.”

1) Now, back to the subject of barf bags. Apparently, there are times when a plain brown paper sack just won’t do — particularly if you have a penchant for hyperventilating in style. Plus, it is highly advisable that you never attempt to engage in some rapid inhaling with a recently used barf bag.

2) If you are going to steal a barf bag for strictly “souvenir” purposes, you should definitely opt for a Virgin Atlantic flight. No one does barf bags better. Seriously. Who else would run a contest entitled “Design for Chunks“–inviting artists everywhere to create masterful sick sacks for puking passengers.  If that wasn’t enough, they followed this with a series of Star Wars-themed holdalls for hurls. Nothing worse than a motion sick wookie.

Finally, a barf bag that doubles as reading material.

And, then, they rolled out the Granddaddy of Barf Bags. The Bagophile’s dream–yes, there are people who actually collect these things. The gigantic “How Did Air Travel Become So Bloody Awful” bag was Virgin’s clever way of poking fun at discount airlines — and collecting record-breaking regurgitations.

3) Did you know that there is even an Air Sickness Bag Museum? Seriously, this guy has a plethora of very cool barf bags worth checking out. If you think it’s unusual to collect receptacles designed to hold vomit, think back to the dude with the  belly-button lint collection.

Here are some of the oddball bags I managed to find while perusing the internet.

“How does one smile whilst barfing?”

“See! Even this happy face can’t smile when puking.”

Hello Kitty…making people barf around the globe.

My ears are itchy.