I wonder if worms ever get dirt in their ears. It turns out they don’t because worms don’t have ears. WTF? I mean, it’s a relief that they don’t have to spend life with a giant clump of topsoil stuck in the old ear canal with nary a hand with which to remove it. But I don’t know which is worse — spending your life in a muddy-eared state or not having any ears at all. Surely, a worms life is already hard enough having been inflicted with a lack of arms and legs.
This, of course, this leads to another burning worm-related ponderance. Do worms ever feel dirty? I mean, I know they literally live in the earth, but surely some earth is less comfortable than others. There must be times when they wish they could have a good shower, right?
Maybe that’s why they always seem to come out when it rains. To wash off the filth. And just when they feel all shiny and clean, they get devoured by a hungry robin.
This raises another question: Why is the word “earth” (the very name of our home planet) synonymous with “dirt?” Is this not strange? Do Martians line up at their garden stores for bags of “black Mars?” As an earthling, I find this disturbing.
The best worm of all, in my humble opinion, is Lowly Worm. Not only does he have eyes (unlike his run-of-the-mill brethren), he also wears a boot and drives a car. His boot likely prevents onlookers from mistaking his head for his ass— which can be a tricky feat. Seriously, can you tell a worm’s back from its front?
While I’m on the topic of long, cylindrical life forms, I’m very glad I’m not a snake. I like snakes. I have never been squeamish about snakes and have no problem picking them up and removing them from the garage floor. There is one important caveat. All snakes must have an intact epidermis.
“Excuse me Bob, you have a piece of dandruff on your head.”
The thought of finding a vacated snake epidermis makes my skin crawl. Imagine if humans could simply shrug off a their outer layer of flesh? The mall floors would be layered with hollow people-shaped clumps. We could literally jump out of our skins. On the upside, it would eliminate the need for exfoliating.
But, wait, there’s more. Did you know that there is actually a “worm snake?” Yes, it’s officially called the “Carphophis Amoenus” and they reach about 13 inches in length. I think I want one.
Until next time,
Face Like a Frying Pan
The Embiggens Project 
I was enjoying this post before the Lowly Worm reference but that just sealed the deal. Lowly Worm is definitely the best worm.
I agree. Lowly reigns supreme and really isn’t “lowly” at all. Just modest.