Pass Me My Shark, Put Extra E Coli on my Burger, and Drown That Damn Toothbrush

In a previous installment, I told you that I have strange dreams.  This week, my nighttime forays have been particularly interesting.  A couple of nights ago “dream-me” was walking through a creek while Storage Wars‘ Barry Weiss defended me from sharks.  Tiny man-eating sharks.  In a creek.  “Dream-me” was so impressed with Barry’s heroic efforts that I let him make love to me right then and there.  In the creek.  Surrounded by little sharks.  Needless to say, watching Storage Wars is now like foreplay.

Last night, I dreamt that I discovered that I had a two-year-old.  I guess that up until that point it had been very quiet and invisible.  Well, it turned out that this kid was like a walking Webster’s Dictionary.  Its vocabulary made for great entertainment at parties.  Hey, if you’re going to have an imaginary toddler in your forties, you might as well have some perks.  And, yes.  I realize that I have been referring to the kid as “it,” but it’s okay.  It’s not real.  I much preferred the Barry Weiss dream.

Barry Weiss…no creek-dwelling shark is too much for him

I had a beef sandwich the other day.  You’re probably scratching your head and thinking, “I know this chick has the thought-process of a red squirrel, but what does that have to do with anything?”  Bear with me.  Right now, eating cow in Canada is like playing a deli version of Russian Roulette.  A huge beef processing plant in Alberta has been shut down due to an e coli outbreak.  Can ingesting e coli cause strange dreams?  If I eat more, can I pick up the Barry Weiss dream where I left off?  I think I’ll go out and get myself a big steak.  With a side order of bacteria.

1) Let’s face it.  Humans are strange.  And some humans are stranger than others.  I couldn’t possibly bring up Russian Roulette without checking to see if our friends from the Far East have tried re-inventing it.  Sure enough, they have.  From the nation that has brought us the girlfriend lap pillow, the plunger helmet, tomato chocolate, the remote control toilet, and square watermelons, I now bring you Japanese Russian Roulette.  

This kind of makes me want to dust off the old Nerf guns.  Kind of.

I would rather use this toothbrush after the pig than buy one of these.

2)And trust me, the Japanese do not have a monopoly on bizarre products.  I was in the local Walmart the other day and saw something that horrified me.  Justin Bieber toothbrushes.  They actually sing.  Four different colours are available and each one plays a different Bieber hit.  Yikes!  Waking up and having to endure the Biebs singing.  In my mouth.  Is it just me or does that seem dirty?  And not in a pleasant “dreaming-about-Barry-Weiss” way.

This clip pretty much sums up the reaction I had at Walmart.  Except in my head.  I didn’t think I should exclaim my disbelief out loud.  By myself.  To no one in particular.


3)  So, what kind of shallow-water dwelling shark could Barry Weiss have been rescuing me from in my dream?  I think we can safely say it wouldn’t be Bruce from Jaws.  Yes, that was the shark’s name.

Apparently, the world’s smallest shark is smaller than a human hand.  Well, not mine.  Mine are freakishly small.  Like Minnie Mouse‘s hands.  But with four fingers and a thumb.

This harmless little shark is the Dwarf Lanternshark, believed to be found only in Columbia and Venezuela.  The Chihuahua of sharks, it doesn’t exactly instill fear.  So, it would appear that my dream took place in a South American creek.  And the only danger I faced was having my heels over-exfoliated by Snickers-sized sharks.  Perhaps, Barry wasn’t being heroic after all.  He just really wanted to touch my smooth feet.

No small sharks were harmed during the filming of my dream.

Related Links:  Searching For Barry Weiss

19 responses

  1. 1) Your dreams prove that the creativity switch never really goes off.
    2) However, the above dream seemed more like a nightmare to me because the Weiss dude is creepy. No offense.
    3) I like sharks. In creeks, WITHOUT the Weiss dude.
    4) Eating a beef sandwich here is not free of danger either. The cow is a sacred animal in Hinduism and religious nuts get offended. Its the same with pork, because you’re not allowed to eat pork in Islam. I’m personally against the consumption of the carcasses of once-alive animals. But if everyone has the freedom to eat whatever they want, I think its not right to give certain animals a special status and this give certain religions the same special status. Every animal/creature deserves to live. Why not protect them too, if there HAS to be a law about it.
    5) Sorry, that was kind of off the topic.
    6) I hope you remain healthy.
    7) Japanese Russian Roulette (does that sound weird to you too?) looks so funny! – primarily because of the expressions of its participants.
    8) Ze piggy wiz ze toothbwush is so cute! ^_^
    9) I don’t like ‘the Beibs’ *blech* because his music is a little too over rate. He’s ok. Too much auto tune. Just saying…
    10) Now that you have Humphrey, I wonder if my mum will let me have the Shark (who’s name is not Bruce).
    11) Once again, Master, you’ve outdone yourself. 🙂

    • If you saw Barry Weiss and his amazingly funny sense of humour in action, you’d love him too. Plus, he’s a very nice man. And I’m in my 40s. And I like older men.
      I’m glad that you are not a fan of the Biebs. He almost makes me embarrassed to be Canadian. Ack.
      The little shark is awfully cute. Any progress on the creation of your Ugly Doll? Wage was asking.
      Oh ya, and Humphrey gives you a short-armed, furry, sunflower seed-breathed, hug back.

      • 1) Well, I do agree with you. The way a person carries themselves makes more difference than just their looks. However, I didn’t know who Weiss was until I read your post. I’m sort of a news addict. I always need to know what’s going on.
        2) I prefer the Beatles and John Coltrane, thank you; and of course, AEROSMITH!
        3) Yes, I did manage to poke myself only 59 times with a needle, which is less than the 67 before. I wouldn’t get Wage’s hopes up because I’ve suddenly realized how awful I am at sewing things and my parents really don’t have the time to entertain me (apparently I am “old enough”, now. Feh. I feel like they don’t even know me.)
        3) Humphrey eats sunflower seed?!? o.O
        Well, that’s a first. I can just imagine his little pink nose twitching. ^.^
        I’m SUCH a sucker for animals. But I’m proud of it. 😉

      • You can’t give up on your Ugly Doll! He is counting on you to bring him to life! Imagine what it feels like to be unfinished–just a limb or a torso. So sad. And I’m sure he appreciates all of the needle injuries that you are receiving during the course of his creation.
        Plus, Wage doesn’t take disappointment very well. He gets…well…ugly. lol.

    • Thank you! Hm. I’m not sure which I would find more annoying. 100 days of coughing or waking up to the prepubescent voice every morning. Happy Thanksgiving to you too!!

  2. I’d like to spend a day hanging out with Barry Weiss because he’s hilarous but being with him in a stream would have been a little too much for me. Jared maybe….
    I threatened to get my girls Beiber toothbrushes for their stockings this Christmas. They told me that I’d better learn to sleep with one eye open.

    • Haha! I would love to know the sales stats on this particular Bieber product. Probably quite pathetic. Or should I say, “hopefully,” quite pathetic.

      • I don’t know…there seem to be a lot of young girls who think he’s fabulous and would like to have him singing through their teeth. Scary.
        My oldest daughter actually said she’d quit brushing and let her teeth fall out first…but she’s cranky like that. 😉

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