My nipple smells funny, my friend is an idiot, and Flashdance gives me flashbacks

I have always had big boobs.  Part of me is thankful for my “girls”, but having massive mammaries has it’s problems.  Particularly if they start to blossom before Junior High.  An eleven-year-old in the 1970s had no desire to wear a bra–especially the stretchy, beige, utilitarian number my mother picked out for me.  I think it was made from leftover girdle material.  Horrible thing.  It was ugly even by seventies standards.

It felt like the whole world could see my ugly bra.

Generous sweater puppets proved to be an asset in High School.  Unless you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I have always been a little person.  Only five feet tall.  And in grade ten, I had barely hit the hundred pound mark.  And most of it was boob.  My best friend, however, had ten inches on me and several pounds.

This is not what I mean by “sweater puppets.”

My wardrobe selection on that fateful day is important to note.  I donned my brand new, cashmere-like (my bank account was not in proportion to the size of my boobs), sweater–the kind with a steep V in the back and front that balanced precariously on the shoulders. Also the kind that you can’t wear a bra with because the straps would show.  And let’s be totally honest, there has never been a strapless bra that screamed out “Wear me.  I’m comfortable.”  My girls went commando.

Imagine this sweater is black and fuzzy. Damn sweater.

Now, my tall, full-figured friend also chose this day to debut a new article of clothing.  High heels.  Hitherto, she had never graced anything higher than the sole of her Adidas.  And she wasn’t a quick learner.

When choosing friends, height is an important and often overlooked consideration.

The bell rang, motioning the ant-like throng of pastel and argyle-wearing (it was the early 80s) teenagers to head to the next class.  Me in my sexy sweater.  My friend in her sexy heels.  Then it happened.  My 5’10” friend lost her balance and in her struggle to remain vertical, she reached for the nearest object–me.  In a split second, my new sweater lost its precarious grasp of my shoulders and, thanks to the gaping back and neckline, fell to my midriff.  The girls got their first glimpse of the general public.  And vice versa.

Needless to say, it took quite a while to live that one down.  But, thankfully, the next year someone lost their cheerleading underwear (yes, there is such a thing) in the middle of the football field.  My boobs were relegated a distant memory as her snatch catapulted to stardom.  Pantiless trumps braless every time.

When I stand too long, my nipple hurts.

1)  Okay.  Chandler Bing had his nubbin.  Zac Efron, Mark Wahlberg, and Lilly Allen have third nipples too.  This condition known as supernumerary breast tissue usually occurs along the “milk lines” of the body.  You know–in the boob-al region.

It has been recently discovered, however, that a 22-year-old Brazilian woman actually possesses a third nipple of her foot.  A condition that I call Nipple Foot.  Apparently, this misplaced nipple has been there since birth and doesn’t cause the woman any pain at all.

Talk about a conversation starter.  “Wanna see my nipple? Just a sec.  I’ve got  to take off my socks.”

2)  Any avid Seinfeld fan will remember Frank & Kramer’s business venture into male undergarments with the “Bro” or “Manziere.”  It turns out, they may have been on to something.

Meet Guo Qingpo, a 53-year-old Chinese man who has been cursed with giant moobs (a.k.a. man boobs).  After consulting with over 20 specialists, he was diagnosed with lipodystrophy syndrome, a condition that leads to uneven distribution of fatty deposits.  While most men would welcome the depositing of said fat in their zipper region, few would celebrate the onset of breasts.  No matter how much they initially enjoy playing with them.

Thankfully, Guo has successfully had his hooters removed and has been reunited with his pecs once again.

3)  I totally blame Flashdance for my brief dalliance into exhibitionism.  Damn those oddly shaped sweatshirts and the inevitable consequences to the fashion world.  It does, however, securely place my most embarrassing teenage moment (the adult ones have been much worse) in the year 1983.

While I was bearing my breasts, the most popular song was Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic by the Police, the highest rated TV show was Dallas starring the recently deceased Larry Hagman, and the number one movie was one of my all-time favourites, The Christmas Story–a movie that, befittingly, showcased another body part.  The leg.  In the form of a lamp.  And en masse, people were naming their children Jennifer or Michael.

I loved the 80s.

Here’s a boob-bearing clip from Montreal’s Just For Laughs Gags.  

Photo credits:  Huge bra in street (http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog), sweater puppets (www.amberdusick.com), dangerous sweater (www.thisnext.com), Mutt and Jeff (scoop.diamondgalleries.com), made you look (CartoonStock.com) Nipple Foot (www.dailymail.co.uk) moobs (www.asylum.com).

13 responses

  1. 1) I’ve had the same problem with my breasts for years. I started wearing bras just one year before you and the worst part is, since I’m 17, they’re STILL expanding! So every 3 months, my shirts get tighter. For shirts that fit me on the waist, the buttons won’t close on my chest. I mean, ARGH! It is so damned bugging. Plus, since I’m a fat girl, having big boobs doesn’t “technically count”. So yay, they’re not even an asset. *slow clap for self and genes” PS: My bras were and still are uglier than yours. (I’ve always wanted leopard printed ones for some reason).

    2) You are SO lucky, you know that? I’d die to look like that, actually. Chef (remember him?) Used to be shorter than me until I turned thirteen (and he turned fifteen). Now that I think about it, I liked him better back then. 😉 Also, *baby voice* swock puppets!

    3) So true! What the hell is wrong with strapless bras? I always feel like they’re trying to strangle my boobs!

    4) First time heel wearer? Ouch!

    5) Wardrobe malfunction at school? Double ouch!

    6) ‘boob-al region’? Hahahahaha! How I wish you’d taught us biology!

    7) Just curious, but does the nipple on the foot functional? As in, can she feed a child with it?

    8) While I wouldn’t want lipodystrophy syndrome, I’d really like some surgeon to take the fat out of my butt and thighs and somehow inject in into my breasts (and a little bit of it in my lips – normal lips don’t cut in anymore, its an Angelina Jolie world out there).

    9) Adult versions are more embarrassing? *grabs chair and popcorn* I am all ears.

    10) I loved the 80s too! I was -15 years old back then and Aerosmith, Guns n Roses, (and my secret perversion) Vanilla Ice etc. etc.

    11) I dunno but the prank was pervy. :/

    • I don’t look like that anymore. If the scales only tipped in at 100 pounds now, I’d do a series of backflips across my front lawn. Unfortunately, those days are gone and backflips are no longer possible!
      I think strapless bras were invented my men who hate women.
      OMG! I pity that infant that has to suck it’s mother’s foot nipple. Could it get athlete’s mouth?
      I have thin British lips and would love to have full, pouty Angelina ones too.
      Ahaha…you were minus 15 in the 80s. That’s too funny!

  2. Oh my word – crying from laughing. I am totally making my daughters, both of whom are largely blessed from my husband’s side of the family NOT their mother, read this. They keep telling me that I just don’t get it. They’re right. I don’t. My fatty deposits prefer to stay at my waistline.
    How can one NOT love the 80’s? Best years EVER. I too sported the Flashdance sweatshirts – and a lot of hair!

  3. Loved your post. I got these (hands on boobs) from my mama and my daughter got hers from me. I believe they run in the family. Or almost knock us out if we try to run. I loved ‘boob-al region’.

  4. Um, snatches can catapult into stardom? Wtf, and mine hasn’t yet?! I don’t know why, but the Mutt and Jeff pic did it for me. No peach juice out of my nose, but a little pee in my pants. And I love off the off-the-shoulder slouch tops- I have 3 (yellow, red, and gray). And yes, I look just like SJP in that pic you got up there. I swear to go I do- I’ll find a pic…

    You’ve returned the favor- my skill set hasn’t expanded, but my blood pressure has dropped like a shoulder-less slouch sweater;)

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