Hand me my chicken shades, my dog’s polka album, and a cough drop, please.

It would seem that my formerly mentioned head full of snot, which I had chalked up to being a mere summer cold, has somehow mutated into whooping cough.  Yes, I am being bested by a childhood disease.  I tell you–kids are tough.  I think if adults had to endure teething, we’d go ballistic.  Millions of newly-toothed adults pounding the snot out of each other.  Oops, there’s the word “snot” again.  I’m a little preoccupied with it.

And the term “whooping cough” sounds like it should be much more fun than it actually is.  I, in no way, feel like saying “whoop.”  I do, however, feel like beating myself over the head with a sack of hammers.

I remind myself of an episode of Seinfeld–come to think of it, everything reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld.

1)  Humans have been trying to “humanize” the animals around them ever since Noah crammed them into the world’s first cruise ship.  Poodles with parkas, pink dyed curls, and booties.  Need I say more?

This funky chicken appears to be enjoying her Elton John-esque, rose-coloured glasses–but don’t let her seemingly sunny disposition fool you.    In fact, these shades have been designed to prevent her from pecking her friends and relations…um…to death.  Yes, not all chickens are peaceful Foghorn Leghorn types.

I first came across these poultry accessories on an episode of Storage Wars.  Barry Weiss is not only easy on my 20/20 vision eyes, but he is also a fountain of knowledge–quickly identifying the mysterious objects as chicken glasses.

Check out this 1947 news clip.  You’ll be amazed by what passed for “clever banter” back then.  Not a glowing moment in our developmental history.

2)  We’ve all heard of shoes for dogs, but what about shoes that look like dogs?  Now you can say, “these puppies hurt my feet” and really mean it.

Created by Israeli designer, Kobi Levi, in 2010, these babies raised a few eyebrows…human and schnauzer alike.

I said, “Heel!”

3)  Snoopy thinks he is human.  He composes novels, engages in regular plane fights, decorates his doghouse for Christmas, ice skates, and prepares turkey dinners.  I’d love a dog that cooked.  Especially if he cleaned the kitchen afterwards.

Here are a few interesting facts about Snoopy:

He loves root beer.  Mm. root beer.

He’s afraid of large, dangling icicles.

His favourite brand of dog food is called “For Dogs Who Flew in World War 1 and  understand a little French.”

He was once engaged, but his bride-to-be took off with a Golden Retriever.  Must have been the hair.  And the height.

He plays the accordion and has a penchant for polka music.  Okay, that makes him a human with bad taste.

Here is a whooping crane.  I have whooping cough.  I don’t like this bird right now.

Photo Credits:  Chicken in shades (gp1.pinbike.org), Dog shoes (glamour.com), Snoopy (www.myfreewallpapers.net), whooping crane (www.birdorable.com).

Tainted Mayo, Candles for Men, A Dumb Car, and A Big Nose

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”  Woody Allen. 

One of my friends has a t-shirt that says “I see stupid people.”  This is brilliant.  And, unfortunately, quite true.  Needless to say, I encountered one of these “stupid” people in the grocery store.  I should have known that this woman was not rocket scientist material when I saw her hovering over the expired mayonnaise in a clearance cart.  Expired mayo is the last thing this girl would ever eat…my mama didn’t raise no dummies.

Apparently, I am not alone in these thoughts as another bystander openly expressed her disgust over the toxicity of ancient egg products.  She told the mental midget that there was no way she would buy expired mayo, no matter what price it was.  The “stupid person” then said that she doesn’t worry about stuff like that at all.  In fact, her mayonnaise at home is well past its “best before” date and it’s fine.  And then she said something that got the other shopper and I retching and gagging in unison.  Her exact words were “I don’t even keep my mayo in the fridge.”  To which my cohort and I said, “you mean before you open it, right?”  And stupid woman replied, “No, I never keep my mayo in the fridge.”

This is why I hate potluck dinners.  I do not want to eat a dish prepared by a stupid person.

1) With Father’s Day coming up, I thought that this strange new product line was apropos.  The familiar Yankee Candle company has introduced the MAN CANDLE–yes, candles for men.  Why should candle-loving males be forced to endure feminine scents like lilac blossoms, butter cream, or lemon lavender?  While I, personally, have never heard any men complaining about the rampant sexism in the candle industry, obviously someone somewhere was feeling neglected.

Well, no need to worry now.  Yankee Candle has you covered with masculine fragrances like: 2X4 (does this smell like Home Depot?), First Down, Man Town, and my personal favourite, Riding Mower (which is supposed to smell like a freshly mowed lawn).

And if you think that’s impressive, I discovered another butch candle retailer called “Mandle Company” that carries a truly unique line of scented waxes–Stogie, Camp Breakfast, Campfire smoke, Kegger, and Pizzeria–just to name a few.

2)  If your dream car involves largeness or luxury, this probably isn’t for you.  I met this automotive oddity on an episode of Storage Wars.  On this particular episode, the ever-creative (and, in my opinion, yummy piece of eye candy), Barry Weiss, recruited a little person equipped with a pair of stilts and night vision goggles.  The now 7′ tall dwarf spotted a round piece of glass in the back of a unit and jumped for joy (carefully due to the stilts and all) and announced that it was likely a huge aquarium.

Barry, always willing to take a gamble, was the high bidder.  Needless to say, it wasn’t a large aquarium–but a small aquarium-like car.  In a storage locker.  Behind a pile of boxes.  And a mattress.

Welcome to the BMW Isetta–a 1950s “bubble” car.  Yes, it is not your imagination.  The only way in and out is through the nose–yup, a great safety feature, particularly after a front-end collision.  But no need to worry.  BMW has you covered.  If you should find your  exit blocked by a wayward vehicle of normal proportions, you should simply crawl out through the sun-roof.  I’m too short for this.  It’s likely that I could barely reach the top of the car, let alone pull myself out of it.

But I am not worried.  For one thing, I do not want a car that is shaped like a football–and is approximately the same size.   Furthermore, as I gaze at this feat of automotive genius, I realize that getting out after a head-on collision isn’t really a major concern.  You’d probably be dead anyway.  Even if said collision was with a wayward Junebug.

3)  Notice anything “outstanding” about the man in this photo?  Does anything “jump” out at you?

According to the people at the Guinness World Records, he is the proud owner of the largest nose on the planet.  That’s nothing to sneeze at.

Mehmet Ozyurek of Turkey has a honking huge proboscis–measuring in at 3.46 inches from the bridge to the tip.  Isn’t he the nosy one?

And one last pun…now you “nose” more than you did before.  I’ll have to beg your forgiveness for that one.