Beanie Baby | The Embiggens Project

In my quest to find a daily topic to write about, I have decided to select the first thing that pops in to my mind–a rather risky method as evidenced by yesterday’s foray into the world of armpit hair. Today, however, a more polite (although equally random) subject has emerged from my cranium. Kiwi birds.

“Damn, I’m cute.”

First of all, I have to put this out there. It sucks to be a kiwi. Forget feeling sorry for the IQ-challenged dodo. And don’t waste your pity on the ostrich with his head in the sand. The unfortunate kiwi is the feathered friend truly deserving of your sympathy. To begin with, he cannot fly. His bones aren’t hollow like other bird bones and his wings are short and stubby–making him the T-Rex of birds.

Secondly, they lay the largest eggs in relation to their body size out of any bird in the world. Mama Kiwi is the size of a chicken, but she lays eggs the size of an ostrich’s. If you thought childbirth was a bitch, be glad you didn’t have to lay an egg the size of your pillow. And that’s one of those big puffy pillows–not your old down-filled one that has been flattened to a crepe. You know, the yellowed, drool-riddled Obusform that, as Jerry Seinfeld would say “looks more like a Civil War bandage.”

But, they do have nostrils on their beaks. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse. It all depends on whether or not he’s planning on visiting my husband after bean night.

“Beak” the Kiwi Beanie Baby was produced for only one year and sadly can now be purchased for a cent online. Yes, even the plush versions of our little New Zealander have it rough. Ironically, New Zealanders of the human kind are referred to as “Kiwis.” But what about the green fuzzy fruit?

Meet Beak.

The kiwi bird has had its name hijacked by that odd-looking furry fruit. The fruit is actually called a “kiwifruit” and is not, in fact, a “kiwi” at all. A kiwi smoothie, therefore, is not what you think it is. Ack.

This little bird, however, has enjoyed fame thanks to a manufacturer of shoe polish. Yes, since 1906, KIWI’s name and image has been splashed across the front of this product that is now available worldwide. The company’s founder chose the name “KIWI” in honour of his New Zealand-born wife. Plus, he thought the bird looked nice on his small round tins.

A retro Kiwi tin.

I’m not sure if being the star of the “laces and polishes” racks in stores across the world makes up for the stubby arms, giant egg-laying, and low value in the Beanie Baby trade. If you see a kiwi, give it a hug. Odds are that the poor bugger has been through a lot.

If it’s any consolation to the kiwi community, people are blogging about you:

Conservation blog: http://blog.doc.govt.nz/2013/08/27/kaipara-kiwi/

Factotum of Arts: http://factotum-of-arts.com/2013/08/12/weekend-finishes-12-08-2013/

Infinite Sadness…or Hope? http://infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com/tag/kiwi-bird/

B (heart) D: http://baileyolivia.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/when-i-say-kiwi-you-think/

Do you call the kiwifruit a kiwi?