I wonder how many people have accidentally put the family rectal thermometer in their mouth?

Or brushed their teeth with the grout-scrubbing tooth brush? (Was the black crap in the bristles not a dead giveaway? Or do you eat profuse amounts of licorice?)

Thankfully, I have not engaged in any of the above. At least, I don’t think I have. Note to self: purchase family-sized bottle of Listerine. The worst thing that has ever ended up in my mouth is a copious quantity of puddle water and a few large insects.

Part of the problem is that I am always talking and, as a result, my mouth can usually be found in the open position.  My dentist, by the way, states that I have one of the smallest mouths he has ever encountered, so the “large” insects may not actually be that large. They just take up a lot of room in my petite orifice. He did add that the size of my mouth did not necessarily reflect the amount of noise that comes out of it. Another note to self: look for new dental professional.

It stands to reason, then, that if I had a much larger mouth I would have a much longer list of odd objects that have landed in it. Isaac Johnson holds the Guinness World Record for having the largest mouth gape. Yup, he can not only insert his entire hand in his mouth, but he can also fit “four stacked McDonald’s cheeseburgers” into his piehole. Or should I say “burgerhole?”

As I write this blog, my husband has just dropped the lid from a pen on the floor. I tend to use my dexterous feet in matters like this to pick things up and, while he did not look overly pleased at the prospect of retrieving the lid from between my toes, he gave in a took it. I must now add that the pen lid is well chewed–by me–so I will likely be adding another gross thing to my list of things that have been in my mouth. A toe-juice smothered pen lid.

Now, back to the large insects that have wound up in my mouth. As a curiosity, I Googled “what happens when you swallow a bug” and learned that, for the most part, this is nothing to worry about. Unless of course, it’s a stinging bug. In fact, the Huffington Post assures readers that the trachea is able to trap little bugs in its mucus and “little hair cells.” While many would feel soothed by this proclamation, it merely brought out larger concerns for me. How many dead and dying insects are currently trapped in my throat follicles? And where do the go from there? Is my esophagus acting as a crypt for generations of decomposing creepy-crawlies?

I need a distraction. I think I’ll go look for my Identification Octopus.

What is the strangest thing that has ever ended up in your mouth? Have you ever been asked to present your octopus or any other sea creature?