2013 is a pain in the neck. And why do I smell cheese?

I’ve always heard that whatever you are doing on New Year’s is what you’ll be doing for the rest of the year.  If this is true, 2013 will be a “pain in the neck.”  Literally.  I don’t know what the heck I was doing in my sleep the other night–I hope it was fun–but, for the past two days I have felt like this woman:

I wonder if this would make me taller.

I wonder if this would make me taller.

after someone removes her neck rings.  Seriously.  As much as I like having a neck (how else would I be able to wear necklaces and scarves), right now, I would gladly have it lopped off and opt to simply have my head sewn right on to my shoulders.  Except that would make me shorter.

On a lighter note, I bet Wile E. Coyote would have fun with this lady’s neck and a giant ACME magnet.

I wonder what would happen to a knife thrower if he did his act in front of one of those giant magnets?  Would he look like a piece of Swiss cheese covered in ketchup?  Sorry.  Neck pain brings out the sadist in me.

Which reminds me of a joke we used to tell when we were kids.  What’s orange and red and lies at the side of the road?  A wounded cheezie.  That one still disturbs me.  But it fails to prevent me from eating cheezies.

And my husband can't even tie ONE of these by himself.

And my husband can’t even tie ONE of these by himself.

1)  I am glad that women don’t have to wear neckties.  Especially to July weddings.  But the way I feel today, I think that donning 150 or so ties would provide an awesome amount of neck support.  Like a flashy neck brace.

Although, as I gaze upon this picture of Arnold Albert, the Guinness Record Holder for wearing the most ties at once, I must admit that he looks anything but comfortable.  Should the human neck bend back at a 90 degree angle like that?

I am impressed that he managed to tie 150 neckties though.  In my household, I am the tie tier (that looks really weird in print).  I’m glad to know that my skills developed during the “1980s women wearing skinny black leather neckties era” have not been lost.

Finally.  A room I don't have to worry about staining with cheeto fingers.

Finally. A room I don’t have to worry about staining with Cheeto fingers.

2)Let’s face it.  Art work made of food is pretty cool.  I have already featured cheese sculptures and Cereal masterpieces.  Today, in honour of wounded cheezies everywhere, I present Cheeto Art.

This piece is entitled “The Cocktail Party”  by Sandy Skoglund–an artist who specializes in tableaux that marry photography and pop culture.  Too bad orange clashes with my red hair.  That cheezie dress looks pretty cool.

Then again, Conan O’Brien is a ginger and he looks pretty good in Cheetos. 

Who wouldn't want to clone a few best buddies and try their hand at indoor hot-air ballooning?

Who wouldn’t want to clone a few best buddies and try their hand at indoor hot-air ballooning?

3)  As I previously mentioned, I am currently tempted to perform a “neckectomy.”  While perusing the Internet for instruction, I came across a promising offering at Amazon–“Do-it-yourself Brain Surgery.”  Surely, if I can do a lobotomy in my living room, a neck removal can’t be that difficult.

And if that doesn’t work, I can always recruit Humphrey the hamster into the whole “breeding combat hamsters” endeavour.  If I can wake him up.  I’m not sure how effective a narcoleptic fighter hamster will be in the face of battle.

Some of this book’s other offerings appear more promising.  What could be easier than converting one’s home into a romantic ruin?  Well, a “ruin” at least.  I assume a romantic ruin is just a ruin with scented candles.

Excuse me.  I’m off to perform neck surgery.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

neck cartoon

Photo Credits:  Long necked woman (www.coolpicturegallery.us), tie guy (plus.google.com  Guinness World Records profile),Cheeto room (sandyskoglund.com), Conan (ellerg.blogspot.ca), book (amazon.com).