Pass Me an Arm, Keep An Eye (or 3) On My Hair Hat, And Get Off My Beard

I am breathing a sigh of relief.  I am back to my blog–my comfy little corner of the on-line universe where I can unleash my inner weird and totally be myself.  Without fear of men dressed in white backing a van up my driveway and carting me away.  Mainly because they don’t know who Face Like A Frying Pan is.  I am safe in my anonymity.  My sleeves are not yet tied behind my back.

Something got me wondering the other day.  Why are there bald hairdressers?  Seriously.  First impressions mean a lot to me.  I won’t get my car fixed by someone who takes the bus.  Or rides a Schwinn.  I won’t use a realtor that lives in a shack.  Or worse, his parents’ basement.  And I won’t get my hair done by someone who doesn’t have any.

That may seem harsh, but practice makes perfect.  If someone said to me, “Please shave my face,” I wouldn’t know where to start.  I have a face, but it does not have hair on it.  Especially thanks to the girl who waxes my upper lip.  And, no, she doesn’t have a moustache.  If she did, I wouldn’t go to her.  But back to the point I was trying to make.  Homer Simpson knows how to shave.  He does it every morning.  He’s had practice.

Homer Simpson probably doesn’t know how to layer my hair.  He doesn’t have any hair to layer.  I sure as hell wouldn’t trust him with highlights, or heaven forbid, a perm.

Oh ya, and on unrelated topic.  I saw three matching gloves in the middle of the road the other day.  I know we’ve already discussed the whole “clothing on the street” thing, but this find disturbed me.  THREE GLOVES!  Who the hell needs three gloves?  Is there a strange new race nearby that has three arms?  Are they planning to take over the world?  I live really close to a nuclear power plant.  Anything is possible.

Wow!  I actually found a baby that was born with three arms.  There are many times that I wished I had an extra arm.  The world would call it a birth “defect,” but I think this little one is our superior for sure.  Three arms!  And I was disappointed that I didn’t inherit my family’s extra finger.

1)  Now here is a man that I would trust with my coif.   Seriously, this man knows his way around a hair follicle.  In fact, he is the Guinness World Record holder for the person with the longest beard.  His name is Sarwan Singh and he’s a fellow Canadian.  Maybe he grew it to keep warm.

At 7′ 9″, this hair snake hasn’t stopped growing.  I bet his he clogs the shower drain.  Does he worry about it strangling him in his sleep?

It would be quite ironic if under his turban lurked a shiny, bald head.

And if you happen to be a bald, aspiring hair stylist, there are ways to give the illusion of full and lustrous locks.  How about a hair hat?

Ravishing, aren’t they?

You can get these at

And, if those don’t work, try this:  

2) The Simpsons‘ nuclear (or as Homer says “nucular”) powerplant hasn’t caused three-armed humans–as far as we know–but it has created a species of three-eyed fish like Blinky, pictured here.  As far as cartoon fish go, Blinky is pretty cute.  Even with his extra feature.  But most real-life fish are–well-ugly.  My apologies to any readers who have ever  been told they resemble a piece of seafood in anyway.  And to anyone named Gill.  But let’s face it.  Fish look about as bad as they smell.  Except maybe clown fish.  They’re pretty cute.  And I hate clowns.

Okay, back to my original train of thought.  Fish are homely.  Imagine one with three eyes.  Yikes.  Not exactly something I’d want on my plate or in my aquarium.  But, apparently, an actual Blinky-type swimmer was caught in Argentina near a nuclear facility.

I rest my case.  There is a three-armed man hiding nearby.  And now he has no gloves.  He must be really pissed.

3) We’ve all heard of “hand soap,” but this is going a bit far.  Actually, these goat’s milk and glycerin amputations make me puke in my mouth a little.  I do that a lot.  Can you imagine going into someone’s guest bathroom and finding these waving at you?

I just got a huge shiver up my spine.

Does this mean that somewhere out there, there is a huge pile of armless soap torsos in someone else’s loo?

You can “arm” yourself with some of these creepy appendages at:

8 for 20 bucks.  It won’t cost you an arm and a leg…just an arm.  Hahaha.

Photo Credits: beard guy (, Blinky & Real Blinky (