Tag Archives: Pablo Picasso

A Stick in the Eye, A Large Penis, and Ants in My Pants

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in July 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I am currently suffering from the nauseating condition known as “nervous tummy.”  This explains why it is only 8:10 in the morning and I have already had breakfast (White Chocolate Dream Peanut Butter on dark rye–told you I had a PB addiction), checked the weather on the Weather Network (still unbearably humid and no rain in sight), fed the menagerie of rodents that have shown up at my door (they don’t knock, but I know they are there staring and hoping), taken my allergy pill (which has already stopped my nose from dripping snot all over my keyboard), and listened to my husband bemoan a local hardware store for an inaccuracy in their flyer (he loves flyers).

And despite all of these distractions my stomach is still churning.  At least now it has something in it to churn.

Why the pukey feeling?  As you know, I used to work as a make-up artist.  “Used to” are the operative words.  I haven’t lost the ability to apply make-up.  That’s like riding a bike.  Plus, I do my own face almost every day (and remember, I have pig eyes and freckles, so this is a major feat).  Tomorrow, I am doing the make-up for a good friend’s wedding.  OMG, I am responsible for how she is going to look as she walks down the aisle with all eyes on her.  How she will look when her groom decides whether or not to say “I do.”  And how she will look in the wedding pictures that she will pour over lovingly in the decades to come.  Just a sec, I’ll be right back…

Add mopping up puke to my list of accomplishments so far today.

When encountered with worrisome conundrums such as this, I usually try to identify the worst thing that could happen and usually it makes me feel better.  Unfortunately, today this is not the case.  Here are some of the things that I fear could happen:

  • An ever-so-slight slip of the hand could result in my mascara wand stabbing the bride in the eyeball, which precipitates an ambulance ride and an emergency eyeball surgery.  The surgery is successful (they were able to dislodge the mascara wand), but unsuccessful (she is now blind).  The groom decides that caring for a half-blind wife is too much responsibility.  Plus, the hole in her retina is off-putting.   So he flees.
  • A stray make-up brush hair lodges itself in her eyeball (I seem to have a lot of eyeball concerns) and creates a virulent infection.  Her eye turns bright reddish purple, begins to leak and puss.  Her mascara and liner runs down her face in an Alice Cooper-ish fashion.  Not only does she terrify the groom and send him running, but she loses her eyesight (again).
  • My mind suddenly goes numb (well, number than usual) and I forget what make-up goes where.  I can no longer even identify simple objects like the “nose” or the “mouth.”  The bride winds up looking like a painting by Pablo Picasso and, again, the groom runs away screaming.  At least, she isn’t blinded in this scenario.
  • I forget to bring my make-up and we have to resort to inflicting physical harm on the bride to give her some colour–pinching and slapping the cheeks until they are red, creating “smoky eyes” with our fists, and so on.  This is the worst scenario as she winds up blinded in both eyes, gets a massive skin infection due to excessive pinching, and the groom leaves the country and is never heard from again.

As you can see, I am under a great deal of pressure.  And nothing soothes the mind like learning a few stupid things.

1)  Now here is a book that every groom wishes he needed to prepare for his wedding night.  And every bride.  Apparently, having a large penis is a problem for some.  Admittedly, I nearly pee’d my kitchen chair when I came across this little gem at Amazon.

But it gets even better.  Here is the description that comes along with it:

“Here at last is the first self-help book for men with Oversized Male Genitalia (OMG), a genetic birth defect that grows the penis to absurd proportions. Every year, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG. Sadly, most are banished to the fringes of society, victims of their own freakish length and girth. How to Live with a Huge Penis brings them an inspiring message of tolerance and hope—along with helpful information on

•  Unzipping: Coming Out to Your Friends and Family
•  Sharing Your Pain: Sexual Intercourse with a Huge Penis
•  Big Blessings: Unexpected Advantages of a Huge Penis
•  and much, much more

Complete with prayers, poetry, a daily affirmations journal, and thoughtful quotations from leading self-help experts, How to Live with a Huge Penis will inspire men of all shapes and sizes.”  (Amazon.com).

I’m sorry but this one beats the Big Colouring Book of Vaginas to hell.  No pun intended.

2) The North American wedding likely seems like a very strange event to some–the bride in white, the exchanging of rings, the throwing of rice or blowing of bubbles, followed by the happy couple driving away in a vehicle with tin cans hanging from the bumper.  But, seriously, you haven’t seen strange until you’ve seen the Carnival of Laza, Spain.

The event begins with some really strange looking dudes running back and forth (over and over again) with loud bells attached to them that clang with every step, as they whip innocent (or stupid) bystanders.  This, apparently, ushers in the fun to follow.  If you’d like to see these masochistic bellboys, go here:  

In case you missed out on being lashed, you still have another opportunity to become a victim of random violence.  Local townspeople will now throw muddy rags at you, but some will contain a magic ingredient–ANTS.  Yes, they dig up ant hills and hurl the unsuspecting insects (yes, they are victims too) at Carnival goers.  Doesn’t this sound like fun?

And, amidst all of this mudslinging (this time meant in the literal sense), someone is dressed up as a mad cow with a wooden mask, butting people in the “butts” and sexually harassing female (or Scottish male tourists donning kilts) by lifting up their skirts.  Hurry and book your fun-filled vacation of ant bites, lash welts, and mud masks.

3)  One thing I do love to fling at unsuspecting people are rubber bands.  I especially like to do it shotgun style, stretched around my thumb (the trigger) and my pointer finger (the barrel).  The slingshot way is for beginners.

But there is nothing worse than a stale elastic (or so I’ve been told).  Apparently, I should have been keeping my elastic ammo in the refrigerator.  They stay far stretchier that way.

Who knew?  Now to find a place in the fridge for my office supplies.  Right between my cold cuts and my eye cream (which I’ve been told that I should actually keep in there too, but have not because cold cream feels weird.  And I put my eye cream on before bed, so when it’s cold it just wakes me up).

Well, wish me luck and say a little prayer for me (and the bride’s eyeballs).  I’ll let you know how it goes.
Photo Credits:  Ant Throwing (thumbpress.com).

Pig Eyes, a Unibrow, and a Dude With 23 Names

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in July 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My head hurts.  I don’t know if anyone else gets this, but I have an eye that from time-to-time decides it no longer want to sit alongside my other eye.  It chooses, rather, to align itself with my left nostril.  Seriously.  The eyebrow always does what the eye tells it to, so it ventures downwards also.  Needless to say, I look like a freak.  On days like this, it is very difficult to apply eye make-up.  (I admit that I am a “girly” girl and venturing out amongst the humans with naked eyes is not something I do on a regular basis).  I have fare eyelashes.  Without my mascara, I have pig eyes.  Honestly.  Have you ever looked at a pig’s eyes?  I know that pigs are cute, but they’re cute despite their eyes.  And pig eyes really don’t work on a person.

So, now I look doubly freakish.  Not only do I have pig eyes, but they are asymmetrical too.  I look like a Picasso painting in the flesh.  Don’t even bring up the possibility of hiding behind my sunglasses.  For one thing, I misplaced those a couple of days ago, so I have been reduced to wearing a pair of old ones.  And they have green frames.  I think they’ve been kicking around since the early 90’s, but that’s no excuse.  Forest green frames.  What was I thinking?  Plus, due to the recent migration of my left eyebrow, I now only have one furry caterpillar sitting over my frames.  Sunglasses look weird when you can only see one eyebrow.  And drawing one over the left frame is not an option.  Imagine taking my sunglasses off and showing the world that I now have three eyebrows.  Okay, one is down around my nose.  More like a moustache to one side, but still.

Sorry for the whinefest, but I really needed to vent.  Does anyone else have this problem?  Seriously, my eye professionals are stumped.  I will now focus on the task at hand–my three facts of the day.

1)  Speaking of Picasso, I haven’t actually delved into the world of Art for any strange new facts yet.  So, here it goes.  The name “Pablo Picasso” is a good name.  Has a nice ring to it.  It flows.

Unfortunately, for Mr. Picasso–his real name is not quite so simple.  In fact, his full name has 23 words.  His complete moniker is:  Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Martyr Patricio Clito Ruíz y Picasso.

Apparently, he was named for several relations and some Saints.  And everyone his mother had ever met.

I bet he never signed a cheque.  Who could blame him?

Van Gogh lopped off an ear.  Picasso whacked off 21 names or so.

Which brings me to this freaky little car.  This is a re-designed Citroen dedicated to and inspired by Picasso.  A British mechanic spent six months creating this masterpiece he calls “Picasso’s Citroen.”

Ironically, Citroen does have a model called the “Picasso” (pictured here).

Not quite sure how it got this name–it is rather staid for something inspired by the legendary artist who created humans out of cubes.  There is a Grand Picasso as well and it is rather mini-van-ish.  Picasso was known as a great Playboy–hardly the mini-van type.  I rather imagine him driving a giant phallic symbol like a 1970s Stingray or a modern-day Dodge Challenger.

Maybe it’s just  me.

2)  Like I said, pigs have small blank eyes.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  This little pooch pictured here, however, does not have that problem.  He has the antithesis to pig eyes.  The Marty Feldman of the dog world, one could say.

This dog’s penetrating stare has earned him the Guinness World Record for the dog with the largest eyes.  Not bad for a little lad that was once a pound puppy.  Bruschi the Boston Terrier‘s owner, Victoria Reed, says she didn’t notice her dogs large eyes until her friends commented on them.  Really?  Is she blind?  Is this her first time seeing a dog?

It was these comments that led her to contact the Guinness World Records people and the rest is history.

Not only are his eyes big, but they seem to point in different directions.  She didn’t notice?  Really?  I think she deserves some sort of award.

3)  When I think of a unibrow, Sesame’s Street’s Bert comes to mind.  Let’s face it.  Bert pulls off the unibrow look with style and finesse.  Maybe it’s the lemon yellow skin.  Or his tuft of black hair.  Whatever it is, it works.  On him.

Outside the Muppet world, sporting one large, unending eyebrow is not exactly going to win you dates.  Unless you are in Tajikistan.  According to Wikipedia, the women there are wild about the unibrow.  Apparently, it is a sign of virility.  Personally, I think it is a sign of not owning tweezers.

It turns out that George W. Bush also has a proclivity for synophrys (the official medical term for this condition.  Yes, it is a condition).  During his tenure as President of the U.S.A., George Double-Ya’s unibrow was divided in to two.  But in his early shots, like this one here on vacation with his wife, he clearly sports a Bert brow.

According to a Victorian criminologist by the name of “Cesare Lombroso“, people who are genetically inclined to having one giant eyebrow are also more likely to engage in criminal activity.  Hm.  Not only does George W. prove this theory, but many of TV’s not-so-nice characters possess unibrows (Bert, of course, is the exception.  If I were a Muppet, I’d marry Bert).  But here are just a few of TV’s un-friendly unibrows:

The Simpsons , Maggie, may be young, but not too young to have an arch nemesis.  This is him.  Notice that this evil baby sports a unibrow.

Lemony Snickett’s A Series of Unfortunate Events’ Count Olaf dons a handlebar-style unibrow.

 And, of course,  The Men Show’s Mr. Stubborn and Mr. Grumpy (the ones with the negative traits) also have eyebrows that meet in the middle.

If I had a unibrow, would it stay in place or would I have one giant lopsided eyebrow?  Thanks to my Tweezerman pointed tweezers, I’ll never have to find out.

Photo Credits:  Picasso’s Citroen (neatorama.com),  Citroen Picasso, (carautoportal.com), Big-eyed dog (Guinness World Records.com),  George W. Bush (unibrowclub.com), Simpsons baby (tvtropes.org).  Count Olaf (fanpop.com),