power washer | The Embiggens Project

I spent the greater part of the morning using the power-washer to peel my deck. The sad part is, it was the most fun I’ve had in ages. Not only am I easily entertained, but I, obviously, lead a very dull life.

The truth is that no matter how old I get, water still has the potential to mesmerise me. Seriously, I’d love to put on my bathing suit and run through the sprinkler. Or sit in one of those inflatable duck-shaped kiddie pools. The only thing that stops me is my fear of what the neighbours will say. That, and the thought of being carted away in a jacket with my sleeves tied together. Especially in this hot weather. Wouldn’t my hands sweat?

So, playing with the power-washer is a socially acceptable adult water activity. I didn’t even mind that my legs were splattered with renegade sheets of detached grey deck stain. And that I got a sun burn on my shoulders. And soggy sandals. I got to play in the water under the guise of doing something mature and productive. Yay me.

1) In the past, I have featured a plethora of…ahem…unique Japanese products. Today, I present one from China. Canoe Shoes.

For every human who has ever had the desire to walk on water, these inflatable bananas for your feet can make this dream come true.

Yes, now you can walk and fish simultaneously (I suggest you master walking and chewing gum first). Where oh where will he put his catch though? Shouldn’t he have at least worn pockets?

If I am totally honest, I wouldn’t mind trying a pair of these. But only when my neighbours aren’t looking. You can get yourself a pair here: http://www.made-in-china.com/showroom/yuemaohkltd/product-detailAebnPfHjIEtD/China-Walking-Canoe-Shoes.html

2) Deck debris on the legs doesn’t even register on the Things-That-Make-Me-Want-To-Vomit-ometer, particularly compared to the prospect of feces raining down on my head. However, in Talkeetna, Alaska, this is something to be celebrated. In fact, an entire festival revolves around this.

The Moose-Dropping Festival celebrates moose turd. Honestly. Artisans sell moose-poop jewellery and dung crafts. There’s a moose lawn ornament auction. Really. And the highlight involves a giant sack of manure being hoisted into the sky, only to have its contents poured out over a target below. Now each piece of poop has been lovingly lacquered and numbered (wonder what lucky lackey gets that job) and sold to the general public. 3000 in all. And, apparently, they sell out quickly. As a souvenir (and proof of purchase), each ticket holder gets a moose manure pin (so they can keep their crap close to their hearts) with the number printed on it. The number that lands closest to the target wins a cash prize. Lucky shit.

3) Now any time you are aiming your high-powered pressure-washer at a wooden object like a deck in the hopes of removing paint, you’re putting yourself at risk for splinters. After all, isn’t a deck just a series of giant pieces of wood? And what makes splinters? Wood.

Luckily, I remained sliver-free despite thumbing my nose at wood-safety. Hm. I guess wood-safety would involve keeping the “wood” safe from me. I guess I was thumbing my nose up at me-safety.

I did discover, however, that the acquisition of a sliver is not the catastrophic event that I once thought it was. Apparently, many splintery Internet folk have been rescued by Elmer’s glue. Yes. Merely dab a glob of Elmer’s glue on the affected area, let it dry, and peel the glue skin off. Odds are, that nasty little wooden intruder will come with it.

And, during this lesson on first aid, I also learned that mascots can get married. Even the flat, one-dimensional kind. Rumour (and Wikipedia) has it that Elsie the Cow, the mascot for Borden Dairy, is married to Elmer’s own “Elmer the Bull.” Borden’s mascot and her family (the hubby and some calves) were created first. Borden then “loaned” their chemical division, which included Elmer’s Glue, Elsie’s husband for their packaging. She had probably been complaining that she was tired of her idle spouse moping around the house.

This video has made me re-think my power-washing activities.