Flying Paint Cans, Feet that Squirt, and Underpaid Dwarves

I was coming out of the bank the other day as ominous storm clouds marched their way towards me.  All around me, people were telling one another that this could be a bad one–they had heard that tornadoes were possible.  Everyone was anxious to get home.  Me included.  But not my husband.  No, he wanted to soldier on and go to Canadian Tire as planned.  This is a man who does not believe in deviating off-course for any reason.  Even the threat of being yanked up and hurled through the sky in a “Dorothy & Toto” fashion would not thwart his plans.

Now, Canadian Tire is not the ideal place to be should a tornado decide to drop by.  Flying power tools scare me.  But my husband, God bless his stupidity  determination, had his eyes set on an even scarier section of the store.  The paint department.  I don’t know what he was looking for.  I was distracted by thoughts of sharing a wind funnel with large, heavy, and injury-inducing paint cans.  And really tall ladders with sharp edges.

I longed to be somewhere else, but there really isn’t a tornado-friendly section of Canadian Tire.  I wanted to be in a pillow store.

I guess you have deduced that we survived–no thanks to my husband–but there was a tornado in the area, so I am not totally neurotic.  Somewhat, yes, but not completely.

1)  Some pillows provide better tornado protection than others.  The “blood pool pillow” is too thin to keep you safe.   But, after you’ve safely landed wherever the tornado has dropped you, you can give your friends and loved ones a good laugh by posing like the woman pictured here.

No tornadoes scheduled in your area?  No worries.  Simply sprawl out on the kitchen floor with your blob-of-blood pillow around the time that your husband is due back from work.  It will make for hours of entertainment, I’m sure.

You can add this baby to your odd pillow collection by going here:  http://www.myefox.com/halloween-joke-blood-pillow-p-267588/source/googlebase

2)  The Wizard of Oz sort of disturbed me as a kid.  I much preferred the cartoon version with the catchy theme song.  

I do like the idea of being sucked up by a giant tornado and landing in a land full of  Munchkins.  Seriously, for once I’d be the tall one in the crowd.  And the kink that has developed in my neck from looking up all the time might iron itself out.  But, as the local giant, they’d likely look to me to settle their labour disputes with management.  Apparently, Toto earned significantly more money for his role as the dog than any of the little people did (it is reported that Toto rated $125 per week, but his short human counterparts received a mere $50 per week).

Frankly, I don’t want to get involved with any disputes that require negotiating with that little freak the Wizard or an evil witch.

Speaking of witches, I have unravelled the mystery of how on earth they created the illusion of fire when the witch tried to take Dorothy’s lovely red shoes.  Albeit, I had never pondered this mystery before.  Nor was I even aware it was a “mystery.”  But, if you have been pondering this feat (haha–pun intended), here is how they did it.  I caution you.  This is very high-tech.  Apparently, they squirted apple juice from the crimson footwear, sped the tape up to an awesome speed, and “voila”–it looks like fire.  Sort of.  Maybe if you squint.  Or remove your bi-focals.  Or if you don’t need bi-focals, put someone else’s on.

3)  I don’t particularly enjoy flying.  I guess with all this talk of high winds, I should qualify this statement.  While I don’t imagine I would enjoy flying in the “hurdling through the air” sense of the word, I am now referring to flying via the usual route–in an airplane.  I do it because Canada is enormous and it takes us forever to get anywhere.  Plus, I get sea sick, so it’s the only way to leave my continent.

On one particularly long journey, I encountered the strangest in-flight movie selection ever.  Alright, Snakes on a Plane would have been stranger.  We were treated to Twister.  Talk about facing multiple phobias at once.  I’m sure I saw a lot of Ativan-popping going on during that one.

The image of flying cows, apparently isn’t as far-fetched as we hoped it would be.  In fact, horses can fly too.  In Bowdle, South Dakota, in 1955, a nine year old girl was riding her horse when a tornado swept them both up.  The girl was deposited safely on the ground 1000 feet away with her horse standing beside her.  Both were unharmed with the exception of some hail welts.  This is a picture of the duo prior to the incident :

Sharon Weron aboard her horse

Never underestimate a cow.  

  Or a cat.  Meet the feline early warning system.

Photo Credits:  flying cow (http://gramme2006.blogspot.ca/2011/04/twisters.html), girl and pony (http://jaytrobec.com/index.php/state-of-extremes/real-life-qdorothyq), cartoons “the Far Side” by Gary Larson.

9 responses

  1. 1) Awesome research skills!
    2) You couldn’t be THAT short!
    3) You could probably take over munchkin land and then start a millitary campaign to take over the Emerald City.
    4) As a kid, I always thought the apple juice was ingenious. Now, since I’ve watched the Matrix (and become a die-hard fan) I know better.
    5) The only things cows do here is poop and block traffic. Oh, and get worshiped!
    6) The Tornado Cat looks severely freaked out.
    7) The Wizard in the animated version above looks freakishly like a goatee-sporting John McCain. *shudders*

  2. Two of my greatest fears: Tornadoes (I have been in three, thankfully no one was hurt except for some poor trees in my backyard and the garage that said poor tree fell on) and the Wizard of Oz. I am so glad that I am not the only one who got (okay, still gets) nightmares from watching Dorothy and her little dog too run from her crazy aunty Em, flying monkeys and let’s not forget, the wicked witch of the west. Neato baditto about the apple juice factoid tho! Who knew?! I SO know what I am doing this weekend in my kitchen 😉

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