Your Breath Smells Like Koala, Turd, and Something Radioactive

“Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”  Steven Wright.

My husband started using a new toothpaste and it gives him the strangest breath.  It simultaneously smells like eucalyptus and Vick’s Vapo-rub.  He smells like a koala bear with a chest infection.

Don’t get me wrong.  Eucalyptus is a lovely smell–if you are a Christmas wreath.  Or a Eucalyptus tree.  And the smell of Vick’s is okay too.  Heck, I even suck their cough drops.  But those, in no way, smell or taste like their Menthol rub–not that I’ve ever tasted the Menthol rub.  I don’t imagine it is very palatable though.  And the texture would leave a lot to be desired.  All goopy and Vasoline-like.

It’s funny how some smells belong on some parts of the body and others don’t.  Baby powder scent is okay under the arms thanks to years of Secret Deodorant wearing, but baby powder mouthwash simply wouldn’t be right.  Our mouths are supposed to smell minty fresh, but not our armpits.  Are these scents assigned on a random basis or are they grounded in science?

And why would anyone want to smell like Irish Spring?  While I admit that I don’t enjoy the smell of Irish Spring soap, it surely smells nothing like the actual springtime in Ireland.  I know that a Canadian spring smells like rotting vegetation and horse manure.  Not exactly fresh and clean.  And what exactly does “Sunlight” smell like?  According to Unilever, it smells like lemon.  While, I guess lemons are a bit like the sun–yellow and roundish.

1)  Speaking of koala breath, here are some interesting facts about these cuddly-looking little fellows.

-They have human-like fingerprints.  This may explain the fact that very few crimes are committed by koala bears–they fear  getting caught.  When they master the art of wearing gloves, this may change.

-Newborn koalas are the size of a jelly bean.  Less flavourful though.

-Koalas are naturally lazy, spending up to 18 hours a day resting and dozing.  Now this is an animal that I can relate to.  Have I told you that I love my 8 hours of sleep?  If I boost my sleeping regime up to 18 hours or so, will I be cute and cuddly too?  Must run this idea past my husband for his input.

-They only drink occasionally and get most of their water from food.  I get thirsty just thinking about it.

2)  Okay, this picture made me throw up in my mouth a little.

If someone handed me a toothbrush with a smear of something brown on it, I would wonder what on earth I did to them to deserve this.  Toothpaste should never resemble something I’d find in my toilet.

Apparently, its Thai manufacturer, Twin Lotus, does not have any compunction about turd-coloured toothpaste.  Made of more than ten herbs, the Twin Lotus Original Herbal toothpaste fills one’s mouth with a barrage of tan foam and smells like astringent.  One product tester at said, ” it tasted like what I imagine the sole of a boot that has walked on a herbal farm tastes like.”  Now that’s a glowing commendation.

If you’d like to try some for yourself or simply use it to fuel your next string of practical jokes, you can get some here:

3)  As I’ve told you before, I collect Pez dispensers.  Why Pez?  They are bright and colourful pieces of plastic with eyes.  Anything is cute if you put eyes on it.  If something has made it big in the pop culture world, odds are a Pez has been made to honour it.  And a Tweety Bird Pez was the star of an episode of Seinfeld, the best show ever.

Let me introduce you to Dr. Val Kolpakov, a Dentist from Saginaw, Michigan.  Now, I’m no anti-dentite, (sorry, couldn’t resist), but he has one of the weirdest collections yet–the World’s Largest Toothpaste Collection.

While, I can TOTALLY understand wanting to collect the ones with the cute Snoopy Packaging (again, anything with eyes), I’m not sure I really get the rest.  One dating back to WWII was made with radioactive material.  Yup, toothpaste that can make you grow a third eye.  And all that’s separating him and it is a tube and a box.  Hm.

The odd Doctor has amassed over 1800 toothpastes since he began collecting them in 2002.  This is a man who takes clean teeth seriously.  You can check out his collection for yourself at his dental office at 1227 North Michigan, Saginaw.

No, that is not a pile of Thai toothpaste.

Photo Credits:  koala (, toothpaste (, Snoopy boxes (Ashley L. Conti/Saginaw News).

24 responses

  1. You are so cracking me up today!! Thanks for a great post. You’re absolutely right. We associate smells and colors with different functions, etc. I, too, would reject brown toothpaste. 🙂

  2. The more I read your blog, the more I realize how much we are alike. Which is pretty cool, because you’re hilarious and so am I. Hehehe.
    I suppose I wouldn’t mind having minty fresh armpits. The thought of having that cooling menthol feeling throughout the day actually appeals. Then again, I am one of the sweatiest people I know. One thing I can’t stand are the deodorant/antiperspirant commercials where some superwoman puts one stroke of product under each arm then proceeds to lecture a business meeting, herd her kids around after school, climb a mountain, go to spin class, and then host a cocktail party, all without ever breaking a sweat or changing her clothes or even re-applying the product a dozen times under each arm just to build up a mooshy white layer of questionable odour and dampness.
    Seems like I could write my own blog in response to yours. Apologies for the verbosity. Love your blog!

  3. One: You are hilarious my friend.
    Two: Eucalyptus has got to be THE worst smell EVER! My mom loves it and so for her brithday one year (which is a few days before christmas) I decided to make her a homemade wreath chock-full of the stinky stuff. It was gorgeous and she absolutely loved it, but I couldn’t get the stench off of my hands for weeks.
    Three: The first thing I thought of when you mentioned Pez dispensors was the infamous Seinfeld episode with the mini Tweety Bird clap he did at George’s girlfriend’s recital. Too funny!!
    And finally, who knew there were so many varieties of toothpaste? And radioactive kinds no less. Crazy-sauce!

  4. 1) Try Meswak toothpaste – it tastes alright, smells good and the best part it that it doesn’t look like Koala poop. (yes, in case you’re wondering, I actually did Google Koala poop)
    2) a) My parents value their sleep just as much as you do, although I don’t think they get much of it with all the things they have to juggle. Therefore, they sleeps Sunday’s off. While it may have made her a more peaceful person, she surely hasn’t become
    b) Did you know that while Koala sleep for 18 hours a day, lions can sleep up to 20 hours a day – this is exactly why I would refer to my parents as lions, until they started watching National Geographic, that is.
    3) My mother once went to Thailand on a business trip and got the shock of her life. There was a gigantic board just outside the airport that said in bold, black letters ‘DRINK PURE SUSU’. As it turned out, susu in Thai is supposed to mean milk but in our language, it means piss. Therefore, with all due respect to the Thai, their amazing food included, I’m always careful before buying Thai products.
    4) I collect stamps. It doesn’t get any weirder than that.Your Pez collection-obsession is completely sane compared to that.
    5) I KNEW CHEWBACCA CREATED MESSES! They must have edited that footage, but I knew it all along!

    • We don’t have Meswak toothpaste here–stuck with boring old Crest, Colgate, and Sensodyne, for the most part. Glad to hear it doesn’t resemble poop–koala or otherwise.
      I had no idea that lions were so lazy. You think they’d be friendlier, being so well-rested and all.
      Haha–drink pure piss. That is way too funny.
      You are not weird. I also collect stamps. (Or maybe we are both weird). My dad got me started when I was a kid, but now, my collection is limited to stamps about Pop Culture. E-bay is a haven for cool stamps.
      And, yes. I am sure that Chewbacca’s co-stars grew rather tired of stepping in his “gifts.”

      • My mum used to be an avid stamp-collector. She and my aunt got me started. I don’t go out collecting stuff because its too expensive here and I’m the infamous miser. I just wait for other people to receive snail-mail or for good grades to happen.

  5. *Correction:
    2) a) Therefore, they SLEEP Sunday’s off. While it may have made THEM more peaceful PEOPLE, THEY surely HAVEN’T become CUTE AND CUDDLY

  6. I love your random, tangential, spirally writing style. And I LOLd on the baby koalas not being as tasty as a J-Bean so hard that I’m pretty sure that I confirmed the office’s suspicion that I am on hallucinogens 24/7. Super stoked that I came across your blog. Love it.

  7. I remember sitting next to a girl that smelled like earth. Not flowers, or fresh cut grass. Just dirt and rocks and trees that aren’t maple. I was like “whhhy meee” (since she was really nice and cute) and a strongly suppressed “GIRLS SHOULDN’T SMELL LIKE THAT” reaction. Good times.

      • She wasn’t from the states and i can tell that was a type of perfume, bordering man spray if she was a guy because it had a “muskness” to it. My guess her part of the world a natural smell, but not “le-natural” smell was pretty hot. Which in a way it was, after it stopped repelling me.

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