Your Breath Smells Like Koala, Turd, and Something Radioactive

“Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”  Steven Wright.

My husband started using a new toothpaste and it gives him the strangest breath.  It simultaneously smells like eucalyptus and Vick’s Vapo-rub.  He smells like a koala bear with a chest infection.

Don’t get me wrong.  Eucalyptus is a lovely smell–if you are a Christmas wreath.  Or a Eucalyptus tree.  And the smell of Vick’s is okay too.  Heck, I even suck their cough drops.  But those, in no way, smell or taste like their Menthol rub–not that I’ve ever tasted the Menthol rub.  I don’t imagine it is very palatable though.  And the texture would leave a lot to be desired.  All goopy and Vasoline-like.

It’s funny how some smells belong on some parts of the body and others don’t.  Baby powder scent is okay under the arms thanks to years of Secret Deodorant wearing, but baby powder mouthwash simply wouldn’t be right.  Our mouths are supposed to smell minty fresh, but not our armpits.  Are these scents assigned on a random basis or are they grounded in science?

And why would anyone want to smell like Irish Spring?  While I admit that I don’t enjoy the smell of Irish Spring soap, it surely smells nothing like the actual springtime in Ireland.  I know that a Canadian spring smells like rotting vegetation and horse manure.  Not exactly fresh and clean.  And what exactly does “Sunlight” smell like?  According to Unilever, it smells like lemon.  While, I guess lemons are a bit like the sun–yellow and roundish.

1)  Speaking of koala breath, here are some interesting facts about these cuddly-looking little fellows.

-They have human-like fingerprints.  This may explain the fact that very few crimes are committed by koala bears–they fear  getting caught.  When they master the art of wearing gloves, this may change.

-Newborn koalas are the size of a jelly bean.  Less flavourful though.

-Koalas are naturally lazy, spending up to 18 hours a day resting and dozing.  Now this is an animal that I can relate to.  Have I told you that I love my 8 hours of sleep?  If I boost my sleeping regime up to 18 hours or so, will I be cute and cuddly too?  Must run this idea past my husband for his input.

-They only drink occasionally and get most of their water from food.  I get thirsty just thinking about it.

2)  Okay, this picture made me throw up in my mouth a little.

If someone handed me a toothbrush with a smear of something brown on it, I would wonder what on earth I did to them to deserve this.  Toothpaste should never resemble something I’d find in my toilet.

Apparently, its Thai manufacturer, Twin Lotus, does not have any compunction about turd-coloured toothpaste.  Made of more than ten herbs, the Twin Lotus Original Herbal toothpaste fills one’s mouth with a barrage of tan foam and smells like astringent.  One product tester at said, ” it tasted like what I imagine the sole of a boot that has walked on a herbal farm tastes like.”  Now that’s a glowing commendation.

If you’d like to try some for yourself or simply use it to fuel your next string of practical jokes, you can get some here:

3)  As I’ve told you before, I collect Pez dispensers.  Why Pez?  They are bright and colourful pieces of plastic with eyes.  Anything is cute if you put eyes on it.  If something has made it big in the pop culture world, odds are a Pez has been made to honour it.  And a Tweety Bird Pez was the star of an episode of Seinfeld, the best show ever.

Let me introduce you to Dr. Val Kolpakov, a Dentist from Saginaw, Michigan.  Now, I’m no anti-dentite, (sorry, couldn’t resist), but he has one of the weirdest collections yet–the World’s Largest Toothpaste Collection.

While, I can TOTALLY understand wanting to collect the ones with the cute Snoopy Packaging (again, anything with eyes), I’m not sure I really get the rest.  One dating back to WWII was made with radioactive material.  Yup, toothpaste that can make you grow a third eye.  And all that’s separating him and it is a tube and a box.  Hm.

The odd Doctor has amassed over 1800 toothpastes since he began collecting them in 2002.  This is a man who takes clean teeth seriously.  You can check out his collection for yourself at his dental office at 1227 North Michigan, Saginaw.

No, that is not a pile of Thai toothpaste.

Photo Credits:  koala (, toothpaste (, Snoopy boxes (Ashley L. Conti/Saginaw News).

Kick My Car in the Nuts, Stick a Cork up my Butt, and Why does it Smell like Dog in Here?

Wet make-up brushes smell like dog.  Not quite sure why.  Aren’t they made of sable or horse hair or some other non-canine coat?  I just finished shampooing over 50 brushes.  Yes, shampoo.  Human shampoo.

Years ago, before I knew better, I used dish soap to wash everything–including my car.  It always looked clean, but I was never able to achieve that showroom shine.  My logic wasn’t completely flawed.  Dishes shine.  Glasses gleam.  So why did Sunlight or Ivory Liquid leave my car looking dull?

Dish soap is designed to fight grease.  My car is not greasy.  I do not park it next to a fat rendering plant.  Nor do I eat Kentucky Fried Chicken while sitting on the hood.  I have no need for grease-fighting action.

My husband cringes whenever I tell him about my Palmolive car-wash days.  His explanation has been very enlightening for me.  If something can remove grease, it can also remove wax.  My car is covered in wax.  At least it was.  So that explains why they make a product called car wash.  Who knew?

1)  I have always wanted a red nose for my car.  At Christmas, I see quite a few be-nosed automobiles–usually with a pair of antlers.  I want my car to resemble a human; therefore, I don’t want antlers.  Just a nose.

It turns out that if you want your car to look like a person, a nose isn’t the only way to go.  Apparently, you can hang a pair of testicles from your bumper.  These “Bumper Nuts” come in a variety of colours, including the best-selling flesh tone.

It must be a male thing.  I surely wouldn’t be caught dead driving around with an aluminium vagina hanging from my car.

Well, if you want a set of balls of your very own, you can get them here:

2)  Nowadays, it seems that you can’t have a conversation with anyone about cars without someone bringing up the cost of gas.  It’s up to $1.24 a litre here–almost worth its weight in gold.

We eat a lot of fibre in our house–fresh veggies, whole grains, and brown beans.  Needless to say, there will never be a gas shortage here.  Nor will there be an abundance of fresh air.

If only someone could find a way to convert farts into fuel.  We’d be “sitting” on a goldmine.  A noisy, raunchy, goldmine.

Sorry, my husband actually just farted beside me.  This brings me to a strange product that I just discovered–the Subtle Butt fart pad.  These adhesive panty-liner-like pads are designed to be affixed to the part of your underwear that lines up with your fart escape hatch.  Carbon is used to neutralize the noxious fumes, rendering flatulence odour-free.

No longer will innocent people gasp for uncontaminated oxygen in your presence.  Go ahead, eat that raw broccoli.  Subtle Butt’s got you covered.

Get yours here:

3.  I decided that in order to bring this blog together, I should find a way to combine food and modes of transportation and I came across some interesting finds.  Here’s a few food/modes of transport combos that I can’t wait to try–even if I do hate hot dogs.

First, let me get the Photo Credits out of the way.Photo credits-farting sign (, hot dog plane (, hot dog canoe (, rice crispy car (, squash bus (, veggie bike (, milky way cars (