Many years ago, someone sold my grandmother a used Dodge Diplomat. She was quite proud of her new wheels–and greatly amused that people often mistook it for a cop car. It was white. And big. And the popular choice of many small town police stations. There was just one problem. The floor was rotting out.
When she discovered this formerly hidden problem, she was mortified. It would cost a fortune to fix. Plus, she wondered what other secret ailments this car was keeping from her.
None of this interested me at all. I was too busy wondering if a “hole” in the floor meant that she would run over herself. This is how my mind works.
I also wonder if Gordon Ramsay ever eats Kraft Dinner.
And why there’s a train car at our local body shop.
And if anyone has an aardvark I could borrow. (We seem to be overrun with ants).
I have a simple mind that is fascinated by very strange things. Much like Homer Simpson.
Back to the topic of Kraft Dinner. It would appear that we, the consumers, are dissatisfied with the run-of-the mill KD fare. Apparently, we want healthier noodles smothered in fake cheese. Kraft recently introduced versions that are higher in fibre and crammed full of omega 3. Well, I got brave the other day and tried some of their “all vegetable” type–made with cauliflower. Yes, you read that right. Cauliflower Kraft Dinner.
My first thought was–“Sure. Like I’m supposed to believe that this is actually made with cauliflower.” I’m not usually cynical by nature, but this sounded too good to be true. Healthy KD? But, it would appear that the people at Kraft can truly be trusted. The noxious fumes of boiled cauliflower–the only veggie that smells more vile is the odiferous cabbage–let me know that these were not your ordinary, colon clogging, white flour noodles. And the bonus is that, despite the smell, it tastes exactly like the KD you know and love. Um, maybe “love” is too strong of a word. The KD you have come to expect.
Only trouble is that it causes–er–a colonic explosion. I nearly blew a hole in the commode.
1. Here is another thing that I “wonder” about–this book title. Hm. I must be a very naive landlubber. As you know, I am highly neurotic. I worry about everything. Well, thanks to author, John Trimmer, I now have another fear to add to an already massive list–getting squashed by huge ships.
Not only is Mister Trimmer a writer, but he is also a “Captain.” He must know what he is talking about. If he thinks I should learn how to avoid huge ships, I will. Even if I do live in Central Canada, far away from any major shipping routes. Should some drunken sailor plow a multi-storied cruise liner into a massive tropical storm that whips it ashore along the St. Lawrence, where it is picked up by a record-breaking tornado, and plunked down in my living room, I will be prepared.
And that’s not even the interesting part. You should see Amazon‘s list of products that customers who viewed this item also viewed. Here it is:
-the best of David Hasselhoff (there is a “best” of the Hoff? Must be the pauses between songs)
-white face paint (to hide behind, while you are buying the best of David Hasselhoff?)
-the 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in China. (This has left me speechless. And I can’t get MY book published.)
-Uranium Ore (To blow oneself up, along with one’s entire neighbourhood after listening to the Best of David Hasselhoff)
-The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification (For when birdwatching gets dull).
-3B Scientific Testicle Self Exam (For when shopping cart-watching bores you too).
-a book entitled “Bombproof Your Horse.” This one truly made me “wonder.” A LOT. Seriously, bombproofing your horse? Are they a lot of drive-by horse explosions that I haven’t heard about? What the heck does a bomb-proofed horse look like? Did anyone ask the horse what he thinks about this? Maybe he’d rather just move to a less “bomb-riddled” neighbourhood.
2. I also spend a lot of time wondering about stupid people. Especially the type of people that carry their umbrellas with the business end pointed out. They usually make it extra-dangerous, by swinging their arms when they walk. Shopping should not be a risky affair. I should be able to do it without being impaled by someone’s rain protection.
Consider the driver of this car. The one decapitating cyclists and poodle-walkers as he makes his way down the street. The one who is about to meet his match in the form of a tow truck. He must be a lethal umbrella swinger. And an idiot.
Umbrellas, after all, aren’t always as innocent as they appear.
3) I also wonder how someone could spew noodles through their nose or milk out their eyes and not worry. What if a piece of linguine starts to mould in your sinus cavity? Or some homogenized curdles on your retina? Don’t these things even cross their minds?
Ilker Yilmaz of Turkey is undaunted by the threat of dairy-related damage to his eyes. He is the proud Guinness World Record Holder for the farthest distance for milk squirting from an eye. Yes, it really does exist. He obviously boasts some muscular optics, having a achieved a milk squirt of 9′ 2″.
Yes, he’s “GOT MILK?” But he can keep it. Gack.
Photo credits: Ladder Car (curiousphotos.blogspot.ca), eye milk (guinnessworldrecords.com).