A Sip of Eye Juice Please. I Must Go Run Over Myself.

Many years ago, someone sold my grandmother a used Dodge Diplomat.  She was quite proud of  her new wheels–and greatly amused that people often mistook it for a cop car.  It was white.  And big.  And the popular choice of many small town police stations.  There was just one problem.  The floor was rotting out.

When she discovered this formerly hidden problem, she was mortified.  It would cost a fortune to fix.  Plus, she wondered what other secret ailments this car was keeping from her.

None of this interested me at all.  I was too busy wondering  if a “hole” in the floor meant that she would run over herself.  This is how my mind works.

I also wonder if Gordon Ramsay ever eats Kraft Dinner.

And why there’s a train car at our local body shop.

And if anyone has an aardvark I could borrow.  (We seem to be overrun with ants).

I have a simple mind that is fascinated by very strange things.  Much like Homer Simpson.  

Back to the topic of Kraft Dinner.  It would appear that we, the consumers, are dissatisfied with the run-of-the mill KD fare.  Apparently, we want healthier noodles smothered in fake cheese.  Kraft recently introduced versions that are higher in fibre and crammed full of omega 3.  Well, I got brave the other day and tried some of their “all vegetable” type–made with cauliflower.  Yes, you read that right.  Cauliflower Kraft Dinner.

My first thought was–“Sure.  Like I’m supposed to believe that this is actually made with cauliflower.”  I’m not usually cynical by nature, but this sounded too good to be  true.  Healthy KD?  But, it would appear that the people at Kraft can truly be  trusted.  The noxious fumes of boiled cauliflower–the only veggie that smells more vile is the odiferous cabbage–let me know that these were not your ordinary, colon clogging, white flour noodles.  And the bonus is that, despite the smell, it tastes exactly like the KD you know and love.  Um, maybe “love” is too strong of a word.  The KD you have come to expect.

Only trouble is that it causes–er–a colonic explosion.  I nearly blew a hole in the commode.

1.  Here is another thing that I “wonder” about–this book title.  Hm.  I must be a very naive landlubber.  As you know, I am highly neurotic.  I worry about everything.  Well, thanks to author, John Trimmer, I now have another fear to add to an already massive list–getting squashed by huge ships.

Not only is Mister Trimmer a writer, but he is also a “Captain.”  He must know what he is talking about.  If he thinks I should learn how to avoid huge ships, I will.  Even if I do live in Central Canada, far away from any major shipping routes.  Should some drunken sailor plow a multi-storied cruise liner into a massive tropical storm that whips it ashore along the St. Lawrence, where it is picked up by a record-breaking tornado, and plunked down in my living room, I will be prepared.

Phew.

And that’s not even the interesting part.  You should see Amazon‘s list of products that customers who viewed this item also viewed.  Here it is:

-the best of David Hasselhoff (there is a “best” of the Hoff?  Must be the pauses between songs)

-white face paint (to hide behind, while you are buying the best of David Hasselhoff?)

-the 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in China.  (This has left me speechless.  And I can’t get MY book published.)

-Uranium Ore (To blow oneself up, along with one’s entire neighbourhood after listening to the Best of David Hasselhoff)

-The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification (For when birdwatching gets dull).

-3B Scientific Testicle Self Exam (For when shopping cart-watching bores you too).

-a book entitled “Bombproof Your Horse.” This one truly made me “wonder.”  A LOT.  Seriously, bombproofing your horse?  Are they a lot of drive-by horse explosions that I haven’t heard about?  What the heck does a bomb-proofed horse look like?  Did anyone ask the horse what he thinks about this?  Maybe he’d rather just move to a less “bomb-riddled” neighbourhood.

2.  I also spend a lot of time wondering about stupid people.  Especially the type of people that carry their umbrellas with the business end pointed out.  They usually make it extra-dangerous, by swinging their arms when they walk.  Shopping should not be a risky affair.  I should be able to do it without being impaled by someone’s rain protection.

Consider the driver of this car.  The one decapitating cyclists and poodle-walkers as he makes his way down the street.  The one who is about to meet his match in the form of a tow truck.  He must be a lethal umbrella swinger.  And an idiot.

Umbrellas, after all, aren’t always as innocent as they appear.  

3)  I also wonder how someone could spew noodles through their nose or milk out their eyes and not worry.  What if a piece of linguine starts to mould in your sinus cavity?  Or some homogenized curdles on your retina?  Don’t these things even cross their minds?

Ilker Yilmaz of Turkey is undaunted by the threat of dairy-related damage to his eyes.  He is the proud Guinness World Record Holder for the farthest distance for milk squirting from an eye.  Yes, it really does exist.  He obviously boasts some muscular optics, having a achieved a milk squirt of 9′ 2″.

Yes,  he’s “GOT MILK?”  But he can keep it.  Gack.

Photo credits:  Ladder Car (curiousphotos.blogspot.ca), eye milk (guinnessworldrecords.com).

23 responses

  1. Oh my word – now I remember why I stay off of Amazon. There are way too many things to wonder about on there. I don’t even want to know how one squirts milk from his eye…..YUCK!

  2. 1. The Dodge Diplomat looks like its from Dirty Harry. I think if a car was ever invented for us harassed citizens, it would be called a Diplomat Dodger.
    2. I don’t know what Kraft Dinner is but Chef’s a big fan of Gordon Ramsay and insists that he would never eat it.
    3. I think there’s a train car in your body shop because there’s a bogey missing from the train I take to school everyday. But then again, that’s just my opinion.
    4. Unfortunately, even I do not have an aardvark. Even more unfortunate is that I am also in desperate need of one. However, we can ask our dear fellow blogger, The October Seer, if she has any relatives who live far away from the city, because aardvarks are native to Zimbabwe.

    • Kraft Dinner is a cheap noodle meal that we North Americans can’t seem to get enough of. It’s basically a box of short, straight noodles with cheese powder. We cook it up, add milk and butter, and dig in. At less than a dollar a box, it is cheap and kids love it. Especially if you add chopped up hot dogs (which I don’t do because hot dogs are gross).
      Hey, I bet Oct. Seer could hook me up with an aardvark. Great idea!!
      Tell Chef I am also a Gordon Ramsay fan!

      • Ew. Cheese and noodles and hot dogs? Really? Thank god for quick and easy khichdi. Or Ramen. Ramen is soooooo good (until it goes and accumulates on my butt).
        You know… you and Chef are just beginning to use me as your private messaging service.

  3. 5. You’re like Homer? Great! My parents would love you! In fact, I can already see Daddy looking at Mamma with puppy eyes, “Can we keep her, pwease?”
    6. Cauliflower noodles? Really? Ew. Salad sounds so much better.
    7. I think Captain Trimmer wrote that book as a self-help guide for ice-bergs.
    8. Testicle exams for bomb-proofed horses? Thank God Amazon isn’t popular in this country.
    9. You seem to have an intense dislike for David Hasselhoff. I can’t comment on that. I haven’t heard his songs. But I did see him in a movie once. He was strangely shiny hair. o.O
    10 Its monsoon here and umbrellas are now beginning to scare me.
    11. I’m fascinated by the milk squirting (that sounds so wrong!) But noodles in my nose? No way. Nuh uh.
    12. By God, Master, I have missed you!

    • I laugh like Homer. But I have more hair. And my t-shirts fit better.
      Your number 7 made me laugh out loud. I have never looked at the Titanic disaster from the perspective of the iceberg. I think that would be the making of a great blog. You’re GOOD! I think the student has surpassed the master!
      Don’t fear the umbrellas. They were probably as frightened as the humans. What we thought were umbrellas pummelling humans was really a desperate attempt by the umbrella to save its life.
      And I have missed you too!! Bunches!!

      • *Blush* No way, just a lucky guess.
        I can just picture a timid little umbrella, leaning against the wall in the corner, shivering out of fear as it watches us humans, wondering which one will impale it next.

  4. So the cauliflower bit – nearly wet my pants reading it. Tried to retell it to my family, but broke into such hysterical can’t breath laughter that the joke was lost on them. Entirely wonderful post.

  5. You never fail to make me pee-my-pants, fall-on-the-floor laugh girl!! Is it weird that I do like cauliflower, but only when it’s cooked? But def not in the place of my favorite carb-loader that is the noodle. No siree Bob! I am pre-ordering ‘The Best of the Hoff” as we speak. An early Christmas gift for yours truly. I mean, what crazy person wouldn’t want to be able to fall asleep to the hypnotic and mesmerizing tones of one Hasselhoff?

  6. Pingback: Camping Out… What Was I Thinking? « FamilyHaikus

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