I will eat my gold tomato, wipe my butt with a cactus, and talk to the hamster with the pretty white gloves

I recently decided I wanted to buy a hamster.  Yes, I realize this is an unusual pet choice for a grown-up.  In my defence, I have allergies, so my selection is limited.  And hamsters are low maintenance–perfect for a scatterbrained individual like myself.

So, I headed off to Walmart and picked out a cage that looks like something the Jetsons would live in, some light blue shavings (yup, they come in techno-colour now), and some food.  I turned around with my heavily-laden arms (I was too stupid to get a cart beforehand), only to have a little old lady exclaim, “Oh!  You must have children.  I remember those days.”  Part of me wanted to make her feel like an idiot by saying, “Nope.  This is for me.”  But, then, I realized she may not feel like an idiot at all.  She might just think that I’m the idiot.  An adult with a hamster.  I simply smiled and said, “yes.”  Yes, I know.  I lied.  But it was a neat and tidy lie.  No flowers.  I didn’t feel compelled to give my fictitious children names (Molly and Clive would have come to mind.  I don’t know why) or ages (what age is “hamster appropriate?”).  I didn’t embellish and add a tragic tale of woe about a flattened beagle and the family car.  I managed to keep my deception to a single syllable.  This, in itself, is noteworthy.

My hamster is now home.  I have decided it is a “he.”  Apparently, “sexing” a hamster is tricky, so one really never knows.  I had originally named him “Clive” (there’s that name again) because he looks rather formal–for a relative of a rat.  He has white hands.  Like he’s wearing gloves.  But that name was not received with great applause.  He is now officially “Humphrey.”  I don’t know why.

Which, for some reason, brings me to something that I have been wondering about.  Did Noah have to wait for snails and slugs to make their way on to the ark?  Did he invite them first, so that he could get other things done while they were travelling?  Or did he wave his hands in frustration and pick them up?  Which makes me wonder how many “slower” animals didn’t make it on time.

And, how did Noah “sex” the hamsters to make sure he, indeed, had one of each gender?  And wouldn’t the ark have become overrun with the little buggers?  And rabbits.  And why on earth did he invite the mosquito?

1)  I admit that I do like escargot–at least I think I do.  Maybe it’s just the garlic butter that I enjoy.  Let’s face it–everything tastes good smothered in melted golden butter with garlic thrown in.  I have never actually had a snail without it.  Maybe they taste like dirt.  Or erasers.  Or worse, dirt-covered erasers.

Apparently, someone thinks they taste pretty good.  They have, in fact, become a key ingredient in one of the world’s most expensive dishes–a “curry” that goes for a whopping $3600 US.

London’s Bombay Brassiere has taken opulence (and quite possibly, indigestion) to a whole new level.  What their menu calls “The Samundari Khazana Curry” consists of Devon crab, white truffle, sea snails (told you–star of the show), Scottish lobster, and caviar.  But wait–I forgot the proverbial “icing on the cake”–this time in the form of gold.  Really.  The lobster has been iced with edible gold leaf.  Even a lowly cherry tomato has been coated with the stuff.  ACK.  Sure, gold is pretty.  As a ring.  A necklace.  Or in it’s natural shape–a long, rectangular bar.  But it doesn’t belong in my lower intestine.  That’s just wrong.  

I guess it’s like laying a golden egg.  Only messier.

2)  If you poop gold, ordinary toilet paper simply will not do.  It is likely that you prefer to use $100 bills.  But, if you find yourself short on cash (likely because you just indulged at the Bombay Brassiere), you may wish to opt for the faux c-note instead.  Justtoiletpaper.com (yes, there is a store for everything these days) will sell you a roll for $8.95.

I wonder how Benjamin Franklin feels about this.

If currency is not your style, there are many other fashionable rolls on which to wipe your tender toosh.  I thought it would be fun (not to mention unconventional) to hold a favourite toilet paper poll right here.

3)  So, maybe you don’t poop gold.  It doesn’t mean that your bowels are incapable of creating a masterpiece of their very own.  Just ask artist, Sam Mahon.  He has turned cow patties into a bust that sold for thousands.

The subject of his piece, New Zealand Environment Minister, Nick Smith likely wasn’t thrilled with his “sh*tty” likeness.  Mahon created the piece to protest against what he claimed was Smith’s failure to protect waterways from dairy farm pollution.  Apparently, the piece  doesn’t smell at all.

But kiddies, I wouldn’t recommend trying this at home.

Photo Credits:  gold lobster (http://goodnewsaday.wordpress.com/2011/10/08/the-most-expensive-food-in-the-world-2/), toilet paper money (comparestoreprices.co.uk), toilet paper for poll (www.justtoiletpaper.com),  poop bust (www.stuff.co.nz).

10 responses

  1. You just made my Friday! Thanks for the laughfest. I have to admit I didn’t take the tp poll because it depends on which bathroom I’m purchasing it for. My boys’ bathroom – hazardous waste without a doubt. The others I’d really have to ponder which is most appropriate.
    By the way – does the cowchip sculptor take on projects or was that a one time thing? I can think of a few people I’d like him to “re-create” and then send it – annonmously – to them for their birthday.

  2. 1) First of all, HAMSTER!!!!
    2) You’re really lucky, you know? I’ve been dying and begging for one but all I get is a ‘talk to the hand’ emoticon (yes, my parents are surprisingly tech savvy).
    3) I loved the Jetsons, but not as much as I like the Flintstones. However, my favorites will always be The Addams’ Family.
    4) I really dislike nosy elderly people who ask such questions. My mother gets stuff like “Oh, you have only one kid?” or “No boys at all?” Pisses her off and rightly so, if you ask me.
    5) Glove-like white hands. OH MY GOD! Is Humphrey the cutest little hamster or what? (I love animals, I’m sure you’ve figured that out).
    6) I’m glad you didn’t name him Clive. Clive is incomplete without Bonnie.
    7) Good question about Noah.
    8) About Bombay Brasserie, I checked their website. Apparently, they wish to take people back to Bombay (which is now Mumbai, for their kind information) through their cuisine. I’ve lived in what was Bombay and believe me it is NOT on their menu. Using the name of my city to make their food sound better is just a classic case of exotification, which, honestly, I’m getting tired of.
    I mean, come on! Who eats lobster in Mumbai? Seriously, the cost of that meal could pay a whole year’s rent.
    9) I should probably mention that edible silver is used to coat a number of Indian sweets. Gold, though, is extremely rare and only for those who can afford the above lobster.
    10) All that toilet paper is so bothersome. Plain white is good or just use ash and water – surprisingly, it works wonders.
    11) I’m not astonished at the dung sculpture. In my village we still spread cow dung on the walls and floor of the house and wait for it to dry. It cools the house in the summers and warms it in the winters. Dried dung-cakes are also used as alternative fuel.
    …….and I just realized what a weird country India must seem like to you.
    12) I love Seinfeld and this explains why.
    13) I chose hazardous waste. Pins, barbed wire and cactus are sharp and may hurt my butt. I can’t choose sudoku because it would be disrespectful to a piece of a knowledge. I hazardous waste because the skulls and the triangles and the yellow is so happy!
    14) I just didn’t want to end at number thirteen. I’m not superstitious. But it just seemed wrong. o.O

    • You kill me, girl! I love the Flintstones too. My fav character was always the much-ignored Hoppy. I actually have an aunt who’s real name was Bonita Snow. She used to get “Bunny” all the time, which led to Hoppy. So, now, her real “legal” name is Hoppy. Too funny.
      I didn’t know you are an only child!! Me too! And, yes. My mother got the same kind of questions here. And everyone assumes that I must have been spoiled. So not true.
      Haha…Bonnie and Clive. I hadn’t thought of that one.
      I’ve never heard of or seen edible gold or silver until I read about that lobster dish. Those must be very decadent candies!
      Lobster is only for the rich here too. When people visit the Atlantic coast, they usually have lobster because it is quite a bit cheaper. I haven’t had lobster in twenty years. Can’t afford it!
      We have a septic tank, so I don’t think it would appreciate any of that fancy toilet paper either. Plus, what does the dye do to one’s nether regions? (Of course, only I would worry about that!)
      No, India does not seem weird. I like to learn about different cultures. My own is very boring, whereas yours is so diverse and steeped in history.
      Haha…I love that you skipped ahead to number 14!

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