“An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.” 
Mike Barfield.

If you’ve ever envied a bird’s gift of flight, you may have overlooked a few of their shortcomings. First of all, birds have to go through life without arms. Have you ever tried getting peanut butter off your beak without the benefit of hands? Other creatures are always making fun of how they walk. Strutting without swinging one’s arms looks…well…weird. Do you enjoy a casual saunter with your hands in your pockets? Again, the armless bird must forgo this option.

And that’s not where the bird’s tale of woe ends. Cursed with skinny legs and a lack of hips, they can’t even wear pants. And without arms, shirts are also out of the question. I suppose they could opt for a tank top, but I’ve not observed this fashion choice amongst my avian friends.

This brings me to another question. Why do we call one pant “pants” and why are they referred to as a “pair?” Some say it’s because they have two legs. This logic, however, is flawed. After all, a shirt has two sleeves, but it remains a lowly, singular item. Is this because we place more value on legs than arms? If so, this may do wonders for the self-esteem of birds everywhere.

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1)  Birds, like anyone else, need to have fun and I am sure that one of their favourite pastimes involves well-aimed poop and shiny red cars. As the owner of a shiny red car, I can attest to this fact.

Unfortunately, bored humans have found a way to a way to rob our feathered friends of this sport. Meet the avian diaper — a bird’s greatest humiliation. While a glimpse at Fanzy Pants‘ creations shows a myriad of colours and patterns, they all appear to lack pockets.

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2) If lacking arms and spending life in a diaper isn’t bad enough, birds must also endure humans maligning their intelligence. After all, the term “bird brain” doesn’t refer to someone with a large IQ. Yes, it would seem that people consider the avian mind to be so inept that even Dan Quayle (ironically named for a bird) could beat it at a spelling bee.

Birds, however, are much more clever than we may think. Just look at the average avian diet. While a feast of caterpillars and crickets may not appeal to your pallet, it is quite healthy fare.

Scientists agree that insects are chalked full of protein, iron, and vitamins. In fact, David Gracer, an avid proponent of insects as an alternative food source, told Discover Magazine that gnawing on 100 grams of certain caterpillars can give you 28 grams of protein.That’s impressive. Unless you’re the caterpillar.  

And here’s a useful little ditty from Carte Blanche that will prove helpful the next time you go digging for your dinner:

Red, orange, yellow, forget this fellow.

Black, green, or brown, wolf it down.

3)  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a HUGE fan of crows.  And one of my very favourite roadside attractions are found in upstate New York on I-81 just south of the Ivy Lea Bridge aka the Thousand Islands Bridge. Yes, this remote area is home to three very large metal crows. When I first spotted the 11-foot threesome, I momentarily doubted my mental state. But my husband saw them too, proving that they were, in fact, real.

If you’re heading southbound, keep your eyes to your right. They are a bit far off in a field. Whatever you do — don’t blink or you’ll miss them. And you don’t want to miss them because they are awesome.

This feathered trio has been brought to life by sculptor, Will Salisbury, and is aptly named “3 Crows.” According to Salisbury’s Facebook page, the one pictured above is called “Charlie.” If you’re fluttering with excitement over seeing these avian masterpieces, your only option is to watch them whiz by your car window as there, apparently, is no public access to these beauties. Get your eagle eye ready.