How to embarrass your car on a budget.

“You take the money and I’ll grab the eyeballs.  Oddly enough, that’s not the first time I’ve said that.”  Barry Weiss, Storage Wars.

I want a nose for my car.  Every now and then, I see a car driving down the road sporting a shiny, red proboscis and I think to myself, “Self, we’ve got to get our paws on one of those.”  And, no, I am not making this up.  There are people in my town with car noses.  There’s even one automobile that sports eyelashes.  Maybe it’s just my town.  Must be the drinking water.

My car is not totally without facial features.  It has teeth.  Yes, I just said “teeth.”  Not the ghastly, “I-want-to-suck-your-Carotid-artery” kind.  Just happy, smiling, Osmond-white chompers.  You are likely wondering where I found such an awesome ornament.  (What?  You are not wondering where, but “why?” I don’t understand.)  They are the non-edible part of a candy/toy combo that I spied at Walmart.  It’s amazing what you can find when you possess the intellect of a small child.  My apologies to small children everywhere.

Yes. My car longs for one of these (or so I like to imagine).

During my search for the perfect breathing apparatus for my car, I discovered “Red Nose Day,” a Comic Relief-inspired, British charity event that encourages people and automobiles, alike, to sport a shiny, red nose.  Sure, we idiots across the pond will adopt blood pudding, Haggis, and other UK-spawned spare animal part dishes. Heck, we even opened our airwaves to…ugh…Benny Hill.  Why on earth have we not embraced the opportunity to wear giant red nostrils?  It’s even for charity.

What the hell is that grabbing my leg?

1)  Spotted dick aside, the Brits have given us a number of things that I am thankful for–Blackadder, Hyacinth Bucket, The Smiths, Death at a Funeraland fish & chips, to name a few.  But here is one tradition  that I’m not sure I’d greet with such fervour.  Yes, from the people that brought us the treacherous sport of Cheese Rolling, I now present–Bog snorkelling.

Once a year, strangely dressed, muck-and-mire enthusiasts descend upon Powys, Wales for their chance to win roughly $200 US and a mention in the Guinness World Records.  All breathing must be done through your snorkel and you can only move using flipper power.  And, apparently, the water is nut-shrivelingly cold–not that I own a pair.  I’ve just been told.

Seriously, I love to swim as much as the next person.  But swimming in a bog carved out of peat moss?  There’s isn’t enough chlorine in the world that would make that seem alright.  Ack.

I bet a removable nose would come in handy, especially during flu season. Or would the snot just run freely down your face? Hm.

2)  Some noses are cute.  Bert and Ernie’s bulbous orbs of felt.  Long aardvark snouts.  The whiskered hamster variety.  And perfectly round, red ones on cars.  (I know.  Give it a rest already).  It turns out that they are more than just cute and useful in oxygen intake.  They have many uses.    Noses hold eyeglasses in place.  They give you something to pick when you’re bored.  They make it possible to “thumb your nose” at annoying neighbours.  And, apparently, they can blow up balloons.  Honest.  Here’s the proof…

Just what you want to explode at your child’s birthday party–a mucous-filled, booger-encrusted balloon.  Ack.

But, wait!  It gets worse.  A nose can also be used to blow a marshmallow across the room into a moron’s open mouth.  Yes, two gifted individuals from Illinois achieved the world record for pitching and receiving this nose candy over a distance of 16 feet.  I hate marshmallows at the best of time, but this would truly be a marshmallow nightmare.  Let’s hope they used the green ones.

3)  Noses, eyelashes, and teeth aside, I love cars.  Especially ones that sound mean.  Rather than spending a lot of money getting a tricked out exhaust, I’ll think I’ll just drive around with this guy making throaty car noises over a loud speaker.  Check it out…

watch?v=RSDUcKw-GOk

And no automotive blog would be complete without this baby…

Barry Weiss’s awesome 1955 Ford Bubble-top Beatnik. No nose required for this baby.

If you’d like to see more of Barry Weiss’s car collection, check out my social media experiment at: Searching For Barry Weiss.

 

Photo Credits: Smart nose car (flickr.com), bog snorkeling (www.aquiziam.com), the Beatnik (autoholics.com).

26 responses

  1. Should it scare me that I remember the episode in which Barry said that?
    Nebraska cars sport red noses and antlers during the Christmas season. My husband wouldn’t let me get one because he is a scrooge. Okay not really. His exact words were, “You mean for our teenage daughter’s car right? How old are you??”
    Do you ever wonder what people where doing when they figured out they had the nose skills to blow up a balloon or shoot a marshmallow? How does one discover those hidden talents? I’d like to be that bored just once….

    • We have the Rudolph noses and antlers too, but I don’t think the felt noses would withstand a Canadian winter very well. The UK seems to have hard plastic ones.
      My husband would never let a nose even think about hopping on his car, but I can pretty much do whatever I want with mine. He actually installed the teeth. lol.
      I don’t seem to have any bizarre skills except that I can inhale my own nostrils shut. I’m a high school teacher, so strange skills come in handy for teenager entertainment purposes.

  2. You don’t like spotted dick – it’s delicious! I was watching America’s Next Top Model the British Invasion this week (yeah, and…) and the stick insects had to eat each others national cuisine but they served up such slop that no one EVER eats, maybe they did in medieval times. Our food has such a bad rep.

    And anything Wales does is of no concern to other Brits, they are like a veruca on the foot of Britain, and that’s not half of the weird shit they do. In one time it’s a popular pastime to hang yourself. Seriously, about 30 people in this town hung themselves but the press stopped reporting on it to try and stop people doing it, I expect it still goes on.

    My partner is Welsh.

  3. 1) What’s it with you and Barry Weiss? Hehehehe. I still can’t get over the sharks.
    2) I want a nose for my car too but I think we are so privileged to have noses ourselves. Poor Voldemort doesn’t even have one. 😦
    3) I voted that I’d wear red nose because I don’t have a car. But if its any compensation, my nose is permanently red from all the sneezing. 😛
    4) The British gave us the Beatles but I’m still kind of trying to get over 200 whole years of slavery, exploitation and plundering of our national artifacts. Sorry. 😦
    5) So people actually compete to swim through muck? Eh? People must do that here in Assam. It floods every year. 😦
    6) I’m a little sad today. 😦
    7) But Ernie and Bert make my day! 😀
    8) Do you like The Rubber Ducky Song?

    • 1) I must confess that I am a tad bit infatuated. It’s ok. My husband thinks it’s amusing.
      2) Yes. I do appreciate my nose. Especially when in close proximity to baking bread. Not so much when my allergies kick in.
      3) Why are you sneezing?
      4) Yes, most European nations have a lot to apologize for.
      5) I don’t really get the whole bog thing either. People with way too much spare time.
      6) Why are you sad? I’m sad that you’re sad.
      7) Yes, it’s hard not to smile at Bert and Ernie. Did I ever tell you that my dream was to be a puppeteer for Jim Henson?
      8) I LOVE the Rubber Ducky Song. And “These are the People in my Neighbourhood.”

      • 1) I think it’s amusing too. Hehehe.
        2) and 3) Me too. I’m sneezing because of the allergies.
        4) and 6) I’m not one of those “I HATE THE BRITISH” and “ENGLISHMAN GO BACK!” fanatics of modern day India but was researching for school and found this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jallianwala_Bagh How could someone do this? How could someone call themselves civilized and us barbarians and do THIS? I’ll admit it, I cried after reading this. Perhaps they colonized us because we had handicrafts, spices, indigo and other natural resources that they wanted. I don’t understand why my own brothers and sisters follow this and kill each other over caste and class and gender. Is it not good enough to be Indian above all things?
        7) Really? Tell me more!
        8) I play the Rubber Ducky Song when I go in for a bath. ^_^

  4. Yay, no spills. I took the cup of coffee to the kitchen before reading. Strange things you have here today. Loved them all! I loved Hyacinth Bucket. We call her the bucket lady in my house.

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