My retinas burn, I’ve got a mattress on my face, and I seem to have lost my eyebrows

“Push Bob off the ladder. He’s messing with the clock again.”

Why on earth do we turn back the clocks in November?  Seriously.  I miss daylight.  And no matter how much Vitamin D I pump into my body, I still feel like I’m in a mental fog.  Apparently, I’m not the only one.  The other day, my husband asked me to pick him up at 12′ long sub from Subway.  I don’t think he realized what he had said until I asked him how I would get it home.  Strap it to the top of my car?  Which we both thought would be funny.  My car is really small.  And it is also the shiniest, most polish-laden car to ever grace the face of the earth.  Seriously, I think it can be seen from space.  So, he immediately had to say something about mustard stains on my roof.  See, this sunlight deprivation is affecting both of us.  And not in a good way.  I am so stupid that I even decided to write about this.

I’m still finding clocks that show the wrong frickin’ time.

And to think that it is only November.  And that the shortest day of the year is still over a month away.  I may be a drooling, incoherent, one-brain-celled idiot by the time April rolls around.  Seriously.  You haven’t met “Winter Me” yet.  And for anyone who ever doubted that God has a sense of humour, I present Exhibit A.  He placed me about as far away from the equator as possible–Canada.  Ugh.  Yes, I am angling for an invite to somewhere warm and shiny.  Really.

I, too, would hug the sun. But in a much kinder, gentler, fashion.

“My car smells funny and I don’t know why.”

1)  Like I said, this lack of daylight makes me stupid.  Not stupid enough to park between two dumpsters, mind you.  No amount of scented pine trees hanging from my mirror could combat that stink.  Not to mention the fact that I’m a tad bit of a neurotic germaphobe.  I’d probably have to throw out my car.  My very polished car.  Which would suck.  I have a fortune invested in it in car care products alone.  Anyway, back to the photo at hand.

Despite his lack of couth or his nasal impairment, this individual does show a remarkable talent for parallel parking–something that I avoid at all costs.  Seriously,  this dude could give lessons.  I don’t know how he even did that.

Maybe he didn’t.  Maybe his roommates are getting revenge on him for snoring or eating the last Eggo.  Strategically placing bins of trash around someone’s car does sound like fun–except I’d have to boil my hands afterwards.  Not fun.  I’ll stick with shaving off people’s eyebrows.  Not that I’ve ever done that.  Yet.

 2) If you are feeling tired (living a sunlight-free, vampire-ish existence will do that to you), I would not recommend viewing this video.  Way too many comfy, white mattresses.  On a cloudy day.  You don’t even get to enjoy the sunshine vicariously.

I love sleep.  My life gets in the way of it though.  But I think I’ve found the perfect hobby.  Mattress Dominoes.  And I’m not alone in my fascination for a sport that only requires a Sealy Posturepedic.  It turns out that competing for the Guinness World Record for the largest game of Mattress Dominoes is a favourite global pastime.  Who knew?  Well, apparently everybody but me.

This particular attempt to secure this record was made at NYC’s Intrepid Sea, Air and Space Museum in 2010.  Participants had to be taller than 4’11”.  Yay!  Finally, something I am tall enough for.  While they managed to “topple” 380 standing sleepers, the record has been broken several times since.  The current record is 1001 mattresses and was set earlier this year in a Shanghai shopping mall.

This post is making me yawn.  You too?  Shut up.

3) I love to make fun of Justin Bieber, even though he is my fellow Canuck.  Well, it turns out that he has, perhaps, one of THE shiniest cars ever.  Blindingly so.  It looks like it’s made of Reynold’s Wrap.  Before you’ve crinkled it up to cover your turkey sandwich.

I wonder how many retinas he’s fried with that thing?

Damn it! Now he’s killed the other eye.

These are just a few other shiny cars I found.

Barry Weiss’s (yes, I am still harbouring that crush) Decoliner. Very shiny.

Flo Rida’s ultra shiny, chrome Bugatti. That’ll suck your eyes out on a sunny day.

I haven’t got a clue who William Gallas, the soccer player is, but he does have a pupil-pinchingly shiny Mercedes McLaren.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And if you’d like to see more of Barry Weiss’s car collection, check out my social media experiment :Searching For Barry Weiss

Photo credits     Messing with Clock (Wikipedia), Mound of Clocks (www.triggerandfreewheel.com),  Smothering the Sun (www.morethings.com), dumpster parking  (curiousphotos.blogspot.ca), eye pain (dreamstime.com),  Barry Weiss decoliner (celebritycarsblog.com) Flo Rida Bugatti (www.celebritynetworth.com), Gallas McLaren (www.ugo.com).

21 responses

    • Thanks for the positive spin, Munkeyman! Glass is always half full. I was wondering about Justin’s age as well. He certainly doesn’t look like he’s started shaving yet. And his voice definitely hasn’t “manned” up.

  1. I am so totally with you: changing clocks and reduced sunlight hours are not my favorite time of year. Turns out my family isn’t fond of it either. Can’t imagine why….

    I’m voting the car was there before the bins. Still undecided if it was caused by an eggo infraction or a photo op. Either way no one is gonna mess with the stuff in your car – ew!

    I’m way to retentive to own a car that is that shiny. I drive everyone crazy shining my appliances every time something looks like it might splatter or smudge them.

    • My husband is the anal retentive one in my family…hence the high sheen on our automobiles! I am the least observant person in the whole world, so my car could get painted another colour over night and I probably wouldn’t notice.

      • My husband is also retentive about vehicles and their over all sheen. I don’t get too nuts until you start throwing stainless steel or chrome at me. I don’t care that you can’t see out the windows but my chrome must shine! It’s a sickness really…..

  2. 1) Sorry for being MIA for so long.
    2) Seriously, move to India. We’re never short of sunlight out here.
    3) Subway….just the word makes my tummy rumble.
    4) I love little, shiny cars! ^_^
    5) ‘I may be a drooling, incoherent, one-brain-celled idiot by the time April rolls around.’ Hahahaha! How do you come up with this stuff? Genius, pure genius.
    6) ‘And for anyone who ever doubted that God has a sense of humour, I present Exhibit A. He placed me about as far away from the equator as possible–Canada. Ugh. Yes, I am angling for an invite to somewhere warm and shiny. Really.’ I present to you the ultimate proof of God’s sense of humor: Exhibit X – India actually has a blasphemy law. Yes. Really. -_-‘
    7) Neurotic germophobe? Well then, move out here at your own risk. We don’t believe in germs. Only in immunity.
    8) I don’t drive, so I can’t even comment on how this individual has achieved this great feat. *slow clap, very slow*
    9) Eggo……*drool*
    10) That human mattress video is scary. I’m afraid to sleep now. :/
    11) Awww, don’t you worry Master, I’ll put up some nice, sunshine-y pictures up on Going Bananas. 🙂
    12) Ok. *shuts up* (Just kidding) 😛
    13) As declared in point 4) of this comment, I do love shiny cars. Just not ones that make me go blind.
    14) I love TMZ! I wish they did something like this for Bollywood too, but then, I guess if Bollywood were to be made fun of, it would be a full time job. (I totally blew the punctuation on that sentence).
    15) PS: I…erm….I think surfer dude is kinda cute. *becomes red as a tomato*
    16) ‘It looks like it’s made of Reynold’s Wrap. Before you’ve crinkled it up to cover your turkey sandwich.’ Yet again, genius!
    17) Barry has a good car. OK, he’s not so creepy now that our tastes match.
    18) I know this comment is turning out to be a bit of a mini-novella but are you on Twitter? It’d be a lot easier to keep up with you. I stalk Pam and the October Seer a great deal. Personally, I think the October Seer is countering stalking me. Hehehe. Well, anyways, the point is, do let me know if you have an account. Mine’s @PalomaSharma and Going Bananas’ blog handle is @GoinBananasBlog.
    19) Happy Diwali! 🙂
    20) I like round numbers and didn’t want to end it on 19. 🙂

    • 1) I have missed you!
      2) The food, the weather, and your sense of humour make me want to move to India!
      3) Um. I love their flatbreads.
      4) My little shiny car is my friend. His name is Bob Wally.
      5) Shucks. Thanks.
      6) Holy crap! I’d wind up in an Indian jail for sure!
      7) Hm. My neurosis trumps my need for sunshine.
      8) Parallel parking is my arch nemesis…one of many.
      9) I know, eh?
      10) Only be afraid of mattresses that are standing up. ..especially if they got that way on their own.
      11) You wouldn’t be rubbing it in now, would you?
      12) Good advice.
      13) I’m rather attached to my retinas.
      14) Hahaha…laughing at both TMZ doing Bollywood and your punctuation dilemma.
      15) Surfer dude? I’m definitely going to have to look at my post again. Won’t do it right now for fear of losing my 15 replies.
      16) Thanks, again. My head just grew two hat sizes.
      17) Barry has many great cars and bikes. And, shame on you! I can’t believe you used his name and the word “creepy” in the same sentence! He’s a hottie.
      18) I am on twitter and will be following you in a jiffy!
      19) Happy Diwali to you too. What’s Diwali?
      20) I’d like to be twenty again, so I decided to end on twenty too.

  3. What the F. I don’t think that FloRida’s phat ass should be allowed to drive that thing on real streets. As a driver, I would be so distracted if I saw that thing wheeling at me, I might just have to put down my phone and stop texting.

    I’m feeling you with this sunlight deprivation thing (I’m far from the equator here in Wisconsin). I mean, I’m always half present on earth, but when the sun sets at 5, I start garbling my words and listening to people even less than usual. It turns me into a dick- it’s like a temporary vacation into the spirit being of the male sex. I’m going to start leaving the toilet seat up and shooting semen everywhere.

    Anyway, I’ve been away from blogging for a bit. But, I have to admit, when I have the time, I come right here to your bloggy. Thank you for making me laugh, you vertically-challenged Chanuck.

    • Hahaha…you kill me. So glad you’re back. I’m in the middle of my #%&* “woman’s time” right now–a time when I usually contemplate a sex change. Thanks for reminding me that becoming a male will involve sacrificing over half my brain cells and remove my ability to pee straight.
      Plus it would suck to be a 5′ tall male.
      Thanks for visiting and me giving me a laugh out loud!

  4. 12′ sub! Now THAT is a sandwich! The sad thing is, I probably could dominate that thing in one sitting, especially if it had extra pickles. Question…I wonder how many pickles would constitute as “extra” on a 12 footer? A ton, a ton!! I am not a fan of day-light savings time either, girl. I absolutely HATE that the sun bids farewell at like four in the afternoon. Ick. Good news: we can blame our massive brain farts on the lack of Vitamin D. At least that is what I am telling myself.As for the Beibs and his shiny car…I think he just got it so that he can constantly admire his reflection on the hood. Or door. Or, well, any part of the dang thing. Crazy sauce! 😛

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