My belly’s full of blisters, my organs feel squashed, and every time I sneeze my eyes fall out

Never pour boiling hot water on your belly.  You have likely never been tempted to do so, but if the thought should ever flit across your mind–ignore it.  It is not a wise thing to do.  I know from experience.

On Sunday night, I craved spaghetti with mushroom soup on it.  I’m not sure why.  Just roll with it.  I boiled the noodles and went to strain them in the colander when the bottom of my pot hit that thing (not sure what to call it) that divides the two kitchen sinks.  At first, I was concerned about losing the noodles to the cesspool that is a kitchen sink (don’t get me wrong.  My sink looks nice and shiny, but who knows what killer bacterium lurks there, waiting for its next victim).  And that’s when I felt it.  A huge surge of searing pain all over the surface of my belly (I’m not even going to discuss how large this surface is.  Just bear in mind that I did say the pain was “huge.”)  Yes, I am an idiot.  And yes, two days later I still have a rather massive red burn on my tummy.  And it is not happy at all.

The kitchen can be a very dangerous place–with hot water and all those knives.

Keep in mind that I live in Canada and that wearing a tube top in late October is out of the question.  And keep in mind, that I would not be caught dead in a tube top even in the sweltering heat of July.  I’ve tried the whole Daisy Duke “take-the-bottom-of-your-shirt-and-tuck-it-through-the-neckline” thing, but the little flap of material that hangs out from my cleavage keeps poking me in the burn.  Ugh.

Yup. My belly probably feels like this kids nose. But you’ve got to love the look on the crustacean’s face.

And I’m growing very tired of contorting myself in the shower.  Do you know how hard it is to keep one’s trunk dry in the shower?  Plus, doesn’t it defeat the purpose of a shower to begin with?

And my Keurig is feeling neglected.  I’m afraid to spill a hot drink on my belly.  It may sound irrational to you, but you have no idea just how klutzy I am.  If you did, you would tell me stick with cold drinks too.

Doc, I have a problem. My eyes hurt and my eye drops aren’t working.

1)  Yes, I did try to simmer my tummy, but it was an accident.  I can’t imagine torturing my body parts on purpose.

As a woman, I am rather attached to my eyelids.  Without them, my makeup would look funny.  And where would I put my eyelashes?   Not to mention all the dust and bugs that would pelt my cornea in their absence.

It seems that China’s Dong Changsheng is rather less “attached” to his lids.  Or at least, he will be if he keeps pulling cars with them.  Yes, he pulls cars using his eyelids.  Ack.  In fact, he holds the Guinness World Record for the “heaviest vehicle pulled by the eyelids” (there have been others?).  His accomplishment?  Pulling a 3307 lb. car a distance of 33 feet.

I don’t get it.  Was he just sitting in his garage one day looking at his stalled car and he got an itchy eyelid and thought I bet if I tow my VW to the mechanic using my eyelids I could kill two birds with one stone?  I could get a free tow and stop my eyelid from itching.

“I really wanted to achieve that perfect hourglass shape.  I just wish people would stop turning me upside down and placing me on my head. “

2)  Okay.  I’m jealous.  This broad has probably never burned her belly with a pot full of water.  First of all, she probably doesn’t eat.  And, second of all, I doubt she has the core abdominal strength to lift an empty pot, let alone one filled with liquid.

And where  the heck does she keep her internal organs? Her jeans must really bag at the waist.

This is Cathie Jung, the Guinness World Record Holder for the person with the smallest waist.  Thanks to spending 23 1/2 hours each day for over 25 years in a corset, she has achieved a 15 inch waistline.

Can I corset my entire body or will my head pop?

 3) Let’s face it.  Seinfeld‘s George Costanza had a crummy ambulance ride.  With a face like a human eggplant, a warring pair of medics, a collision with another vehicle, and a large hospital bill, things couldn’t have gotten much worse.  Or could they?

76-year-old, Edward Juchniewicz, was on a routine ambulance trip from his old age home to a doctor’s appointment when the unthinkable happened.  The ambulance attendant stopped to talk to a doctor and failed to notice that his patient’s stretcher was rolling away.  The contraption wheeled the poor man down an embankment and overturned.  He later succumbed to head injuries from the accident.

Am I wrong, but aren’t hospitals supposed to make people better?  I didn’t think they were supposed to strap you to a deathtrap on wheels and watch you roll down a hill.  This sounds like something that would happen to me.  Thankfully, our hospital parking lot is completely flat.

Here is a collection of accomplishments achieved by my fellow spastics.  I’m especially fond of the robot costumed kid.

How can my belly be burning hot and cold at the same time?  (Insert deep sigh here.)

Photo Credits:  leg saw (http://meanderthals.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/ouch/), nose pinch (horsemouth.typepad.com), VW meets eyelids (fastcar.co.uk), corset lady (www.heavy.com).

18 responses

  1. D:!!!! Ugh, my belly hurts just thinking about that! I always do stupid stuff in the kitchen (I cut off my finger tip on my mandolin slicer, burnt the crap out of the back of my hand on my waffle maker, burnt my fingers trying to butter a pan by hand, haha), but I never dumped a pot on myself. It’ll probably happen now that I jinxed myself.

    Hopefully it gets better soon!!!

    Also, ugh. It freaks me out to look at the corset girl. UGGGGGH!

  2. Ouch! I spilled a hot-pot (remember those??) of boiling water over my hand once if that makes you feel any better. That was bad enough and a hand is tougher than a belly. You have my sympathies.
    The top picture made my stomach turn. I’m such a weenie!
    Eyelid towing? Really? Do they need to find normal hobbies in China or is it just me?
    The corset woman doesn’t even look real. There has to be something important missing – or misplaced – in there somewhere.
    Thanks for the afternoon laugh!

  3. The whole time I was reading I kept thinking about your craving for spaghetti with mushroom soup on it. I’ve never heard of it but it actually sounds pretty good and I think I’m going to go eat some now and while I do, I’m going to be thinking about that man who rolled down the embankment on his stretcher LOL!

    • The whole spaghetti with mushroom soup on it is a throwback from my college days. Not exactly haute cuisine, but I still like it. It has to be Campbell’s condensed with nothing else added. Just the soup.

      I know. That poor guy. What a dopey ambulance attendant.

  4. Ouch, I hope you are feeling better. Are you over the whooping cough, or was this a sub-conscious attempt to forget about it? Everyone can have a klutzy moment. Your post reminded me of the expression, “Even monkeys fall out of trees.”

  5. Ouch,ouch,and more ouch !! What gets me is when people have these major catastrophes they actually grab a camera and take photos ! Where was your camera when your belly was on fire ? Love the expression of the last comments guy…. ‘Even monkeys fall out of trees’…. so true, wish I’d had a camera that day!!!

  6. First of all, I am SO sorry I have been MIA to the ahhhmazingness that is your blog!! I have missed is oh so terribly much X infinity. Second of all, is your tummy okay! Major ouch! I don’t think I have burned myself but I did almost completely ruin my chances of ever using my dominant left hand by almost slashing the major vein (not sure what its called but it’s right in between your pinky and ring finger) by get this, washing the dishes! I glass broke when my hand was in it and BAM! I tried simply putting a band-aid on it but seven stitches later, I realized that wasn’t quite going to cut it, pun intended.

    Thirdly, LOVED the Seinfeld shoutout! Gotta love George’s purple Willy WOnka and the chocolate factory face (the poor guy).

    And fourthly, mushroom soup on spaghetti? Seriously? Really really? Whoever invented that wild concoction of a dish must have been a pretty fun-gi ;0)

    Love you, girly ❤

    • I have MISSED you too!! OMG…you are the Queen of Puns. Yowza, that hand slash sounds painful…you made my feet go numb. (That’s what happens when I get grossed out). If it’s really bad my feet AND hands go numb. Don’t ask. Mushroom soup on spaghetti is yummy. A throwback from my college days. And you know I’ll always give a Seinfeld shoutout any chance I get.
      I’m so happy to see you’re back!!!! Big cyberhugs!

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