Category Archives: May 2012

Underwear for your Hands, Fur for your Tongue, and Blankets for your Security

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

We feed the crows and ravens that live around our house.  In fact, they actually come when I call them.  The neighbours have grown accustomed to hearing me call “Big Bird”…at least, I think they have become accustomed to this.

The thing they are not likely used to is finding weird food items in odd places.  We often give the crows bread with peanut butter on it.  Needless to say, I often see slices of whole wheat basking on my neighbour’s roof.  He has found chicken bones in his gutter, which he finds especially puzzling.  We, of course, play dumb.  And the best, was french fries on top of his cedar hedge.  That was a head-scratcher for sure.

1)  I know that I’ve featured a number of dumb products that are actually available to the public, but this one is special.

At first, I dismissed it as being too stupid to be true.  But, the more I look at them, the more they grow on me. They’re kind of cute.  Probably great for cycling. Who would have thought–tighty whities for the hand!

The website claims they prevent chafing (who gets hand chafing?), distract your enemies (who is this person that is so hated that they must wear attention-grabbing undergarments on their hands?), and are perfect for jazz hands.  So, for a mere $11.95 plus shipping you can do all of the above and more.      http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/Handerpants.html

2) Okay, I just grossed myself out.  This picture is like a traffic accident.  I don’t want to look at it, but I can’t stop.  And the worst part is that this could happen to any one of us.

This is a condition called “hairy tongue.”  Apparently, in normal circumstances, our papillae are worn down by food and usual mouth activity.  Sometimes, however, the papillae grow longer than normal and become “stained” by food and tobacco.  If I had a tongue that looked like this, I would never leave the house again.

How can I avoid this infliction?  It is caused by the use of antibiotics and is linked to thrush.  And some sources state that it can also occur within 24 hours of taking Pepto-Bismol.

If you should wake up one morning with a furry, black tongue, don’t panic.  It usually resolves itself.  And you can help it along by brushing your tongue twice a day with a soft toothbrush.

I, however, would probably attack the hairy beast with an SOS pad.  And a giant eraser.  Maybe even a Mr. Clean Eraser.  This is truly gross.

3)  Did you know that Charles Schulz is famous for more than just the creation of the beloved Peanuts characters?  He is also responsible for the term “security blanket.”  Cool.  I’d love to invent my own word or phrase, but unfortunately all my ideas are dopey and probably won’t catch on.

Speaking of security blankets, did you have one?  I did.  It was a light green towel with a purple stripe in the middle and its name was “Huggy.”  Huggy did double duty by also acting as my napping blanket in kindergarten.

I wonder where Huggy is now.  I am probably better off not knowing.  He probably didn’t go to his happy place.

The Top Banana, The Monikers, and A Strange Phobia

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.”  Jerry Seinfeld.  

I will never grasp evolution.  The idea that mankind is simply a single-celled organism that decided to evolve into something else and so on sounds bizarre to me.  I don’t believe that I have any amoebas in my family  tree…although some of us do appear to function on a single brain cell.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I have nothing against amoebas.  I just don’t see how one can sprout arms and legs and a beard, no matter how many billions of years you give them.

I do admit that apes do have human-like qualities.  Some apes are smarter than some humans, in fact.  And some humans are hairier.  But if man evolved from apes, why are there still apes?  Were those ones too stupid to evolve?

Darwin and his cohorts would have me believe that there was a huge explosion in the blackness that is space.  This explosion supposedly came from nothing.  From that, the universe was created and life appeared on earth–simple life like plankton.  And over millions of years, this plankton turned into all the different species we have today–kangaroos, lizards, elephants, and man.  This sounds awfully random.  And, again, why is there still plankton?

I think it is much easier to believe that we were designed and created by someone who has an endless imagination, masterful artistry skills, and a much firmer grasp on “science” than any human could ever imagine.  I did not “evolve.”  I was created by God.

Of course, I’d love to hear your comments on my little early morning rant. lol.

1) The banana is a neat fruit–it comes with it’s own easy-to-peel packaging, eating one before bed is supposed to help you sleep, and they are just plain funny looking.  And they taste good.

Plus, they come with a built-in practical joke maker…a sticker.  I love affixing it to someone’s forehead and then, distracting them until they forget it’s there.  If you’re really good, your victim will go out in public with the banana sticker smack dab between the eyes.

The best stickers were the face stickers put out by Chiquita a few years ago.  My hubby and I collected them–yes, we selected our bananas based on what faces they wore.  Sometimes, we would take faces off other bunches and come away with a sticker on each yellow fruit.  Those were the days.  I know…it doesn’t take much to make me happy. lol.

If you are a banana fanatic, you may want to visit Mecca, California–home to The International Banana Club Museum, the world’s largest museum dedicated to bananas.  Since it’s creation in 1976, it has collected over 17,000 banana “artifacts” including a banana couch, a Michael Jackson banana, musical bananas, and more.  What the heck is a banana warmer?  The museum also claims that no lewd or crude bananas are allowed–except they spelled lewd “lude.”  This spelling mistake drove me bananas.

2)  A little while ago, we learned that the most common names in 1912 were John and Mary.  So, I wonder what Americans were naming their babies in the 1950s.  Fonzie or Richie?  Laverne or Shirley?

Nope.  According the to U.S. Social Security Administration, the favourite boy’s name of the decade was James, with Michael being the runner-up.  The winning girl’s name was Mary (which was also the leading name in 1912), with Linda coming in second.

3)  I recently encountered a fact that is funny, but a little sadistic.  Lots of people have phobias–some of them are understandable like the fear of snakes or heights.  I like snakes, but I can see how some people would find them unnerving.  I’m not a fan of heights.  It’s a good thing I’m short.  I stood on a stool once to see what it felt like to be my husband’s height and I got nauseated.

Some phobias, however, are a wee bit on the strange side.  For example,  arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter becoming stuck to the roof of one’s mouth.  I could see this being problematic for people without hands or tongues, but why would they put peanut butter on the roof of their mouths, anyway.  Euphobia is the fear of good news.  My head just exploded.  Seriously, you hate “good” news?  This is not someone that I want to spend a lot of time with–talk about a downer.

This brings me to the sadistic.  Imagine that your phobia is a fear of long words.  Now imagine that someone has asked you what your phobia is called and rather than answering the question you have run out of the room screaming.  Why?  Because some sadistic bastard with a sick sense of humour named your phobia “hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.”  Nice, eh?

The Not-Black Box, When Second is First, and The Pee that Wasn’t

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!”  Homer Simpson.

I love summer.  Sunshine, flowers, flip flops.  Seriously, what’s not to love.  Well, maybe one thing.  Zits.  I am a giant, red pimple.  You may be wondering what the connection is between summer and zits, so let me explain.  Summer warmth and outdoor activity leads to increased perspiration in most people–and I am an expert sweater (someone who sweats, not a warm woolly garment).  And I sweat best on the lower half of my face.  For the next three months or so, I will have a blemish beard.  I can’t believe I waited all winter for this.

1)  A friend of mine sent me an e-mail today with a trick question in it.  What colour is a plane’s black box?  One would think it would be black.  Turns out that it is actually orange–a colour that probably makes it easier to find in a pile of rubble scattered over a vast area.  So, why don’t they just call it what it is–an orange box?  Actually, it isn’t really a box.  It’s more of a rectangle.  It should be an orange rectangle.

One theory, according to Wikipedia, is that the “black box” actually refers to the inside of the box.  In early days, darkness was required to prevent light from entering the box and compromising the film-based records.

We may never know with great certainty how it’s colour-blind name came about.  All I know is that it’s a good thing I’ve never been sent out to retrieve a black box.  I’d still be out there looking for something that doesn’t exist.

2)  Quick question…what is the most common street name in the United States?  I’ll rattle on aimlessly for a few paragraphs while you think about this.

I’ve lived on lots of different streets.  Some had royal names like King, Queen, and Palace.  I think these names were meant to make we apartment dwellers feel important.  Some were named after trees–ElmRidge, Birchwood, and Cedarwood–even though none of them had a significant number of elms, birches, or cedars.  My personal favourites didn’t make any sense either, but they sounded nice–Sandcastle (miles away from any water…and even more miles away from a decent beach)and Alta Vista (my “vista” was the post office and the bus transit route–not exactly “alta,” but words that end in a vowel are prettier, so the name was pretty x2).

I’d love to hear any street name stories that you’d like to share, by the way.

You’ve been very patient with me, so I’ll now reward you with the answer to the question.  The most common street name in the U.S. is (drum roll please)….Second.  Yes, not First, but Second.  Weird.  The Second most common street name is Third.  And First is Third.  This is starting to sound like a baseball joke.  Ironically, Fourth is fourth.

3)  I watch Dragon’s Den and Shark Tank and I know that some people have some really stupid ideas.  Thankfully, the wise investors from the Den and the Tank can smell stupidity a mile away.  Unfortunately, the people at “Jaloop,” a company which claims to provide the public with products that are unlike anything else available, thrive on stupid products.

Meet Exhibit A.  The Pee Puck.  This is no ordinary urinal puck.  This doesn’t clean the toilet–it dirties it.  Apparently, this gag gift is designed to make people laugh.  Excuse the pun, but this product would just piss me off.

According to peepuck.com (yes, it has it’s own website), you place the puck in the reservoir and it will create pee-coloured water for days.  Your intended victim will go nuts wondering why they keep forgetting to flush.  Maybe they will think someone has been sneaking in to use their toilet.  Or maybe, they’ll call in the City Works Department to see what’s wrong with their water.  Either way, I’m sure they will really appreciate all the “laughter” you created with this wonderful gift.  Where’s Kevin O’Leary when you need him?

Flying Fish, Old Toads, Newfie Horses, and A Joke or Two

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”  Lawrence Ferlinghetti.  

UGH!  I am one giant mosquito bite.  The worst is the one on my butt cheek.  Nothing more embarrassing than being caught scratching your ass.  I keep having to stop typing, so I can drag my nails across it.  Hence, the short sentences.

I’m not quite sure what purpose the mosquito serves.  I know…they are a food source for birds, other bugs etc.  But there are lots of small, flying insects that don’t give those of us at the top of the food chain giant, itchy welts.  Why must we have ones that bite?  And spread West Nile?  I know.  Who am I to question God and His infinite wisdom?  Sorry God.  I’m just really itchy.

1)  Let’s face it.  The “land down under” is a unique and wonderful place.  It’s hard for we Canadians to imagine a road trip filled with koala and kangaroo sightings, picking a fuzzy kiwi fruit off a tree, or mastering our boomerang throw.  In comparison, we seem boring.  Beavers, moose, maple syrup taps, and hockey pucks.

Our festivals are ordinary too–winter carnivals and plough matches.  You never hear a Canadian say, “had a great time flinging fish last night, mate!”  Why is this?  Unlike our Australian counterparts, we have never truly learned to appreciate the skill and finesse required to participate in a good, old-fashioned “Tuna Throwing Contest.”  Who needs a Noble prize, an Oscar, or Olympic Gold when one can achieve true greatness by becoming the official Banska Tuna Toss World Champion!

I wonder how this tradition came about?  Was someone suddenly overcome with the need to fling a fish?  Maybe some poor children deprived of water balloons were forced to resort to pelting one another with seafood.  Who knows?  (I’d love to hear your theories).

Either way, it breaks my heart to know that somewhere in this fare land there is a small boy whose fish chucking abilities will go to waste.  Pity.

2)  Today was a very “toady” day at our house.  In fact, without trying, my husband and I encountered four of the bumpy looking creatures in various parts of our yard in just a couple of hours.

He was trying to get one to move into a cuter picture pose (well, cute for a toad) and I said that we had probably scared weeks off the poor thing’s life.  Surely, a toad couldn’t have YEARS shaved off it’s life!  Turns out that I was highly mistaken.

According to BBC and many other sources, the common toad can live for up to 40 years.  Yes “four-zero.”  Who knew?  A pet toad is a much wiser investment than your French Poodle or your Tabby Cat.

Okay… I will have to put you on hold for sixty minutes.  Must go watch  Howard Stern on American’s Got Talent.  

I’m back.  Thanks for waiting.  Here’s a joke from Tom Cotter, NYC stand-up comedian and AGT hopeful…””I used to go over and bounce on my neighbor’s tramparlene. Yeah, their daughter’s name was Arlene.” Haha.

3)  The Weather Network has the best polls, but then again, I love polls.  Any chance to give one of my many strong opinions is A-okay in my books.  Yes, I wear flip-flops.  I think our summer will be hot and humid (which really is a no-brainer).  No, I’m not afraid of thunder storms.  These are all easy questions and I was quick with my answers.  But then I came across one that stumped me–does Newfoundland have its own breed of pony?  I correctly hazard a guess and say “yes.”  It only makes sense.  Why put “Newfoundland” and “pony” in the same sentence unless it is true?

Turns out that our ultra-friendly, joke-providing, good-natured neighbours from the east also boast an equestrian treasure–the Newfoundland Pony.  Who knew?

They are noted for their strength, stamina, and the fact that they are easy to keep.  I would tell you their height, but it was stated in a unit that I am totally unfamiliar with–“hh.”  If you know what “hh” is, let us know in the comment box at the bottom of the blog page.  It would be greatly appreciated by us all.

Well, I’ve never met a Newfie that I didn’t like, so I’m sure their ponies are loveable little creatures too.

And one last Tom Cotter joke:

On the morning of my 16th birthday my family tried to surprise me with a car…but they missed.

Tainted Mayo, Candles for Men, A Dumb Car, and A Big Nose

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”  Woody Allen. 

One of my friends has a t-shirt that says “I see stupid people.”  This is brilliant.  And, unfortunately, quite true.  Needless to say, I encountered one of these “stupid” people in the grocery store.  I should have known that this woman was not rocket scientist material when I saw her hovering over the expired mayonnaise in a clearance cart.  Expired mayo is the last thing this girl would ever eat…my mama didn’t raise no dummies.

Apparently, I am not alone in these thoughts as another bystander openly expressed her disgust over the toxicity of ancient egg products.  She told the mental midget that there was no way she would buy expired mayo, no matter what price it was.  The “stupid person” then said that she doesn’t worry about stuff like that at all.  In fact, her mayonnaise at home is well past its “best before” date and it’s fine.  And then she said something that got the other shopper and I retching and gagging in unison.  Her exact words were “I don’t even keep my mayo in the fridge.”  To which my cohort and I said, “you mean before you open it, right?”  And stupid woman replied, “No, I never keep my mayo in the fridge.”

This is why I hate potluck dinners.  I do not want to eat a dish prepared by a stupid person.

1) With Father’s Day coming up, I thought that this strange new product line was apropos.  The familiar Yankee Candle company has introduced the MAN CANDLE–yes, candles for men.  Why should candle-loving males be forced to endure feminine scents like lilac blossoms, butter cream, or lemon lavender?  While I, personally, have never heard any men complaining about the rampant sexism in the candle industry, obviously someone somewhere was feeling neglected.

Well, no need to worry now.  Yankee Candle has you covered with masculine fragrances like: 2X4 (does this smell like Home Depot?), First Down, Man Town, and my personal favourite, Riding Mower (which is supposed to smell like a freshly mowed lawn).

And if you think that’s impressive, I discovered another butch candle retailer called “Mandle Company” that carries a truly unique line of scented waxes–Stogie, Camp Breakfast, Campfire smoke, Kegger, and Pizzeria–just to name a few.

2)  If your dream car involves largeness or luxury, this probably isn’t for you.  I met this automotive oddity on an episode of Storage Wars.  On this particular episode, the ever-creative (and, in my opinion, yummy piece of eye candy), Barry Weiss, recruited a little person equipped with a pair of stilts and night vision goggles.  The now 7′ tall dwarf spotted a round piece of glass in the back of a unit and jumped for joy (carefully due to the stilts and all) and announced that it was likely a huge aquarium.

Barry, always willing to take a gamble, was the high bidder.  Needless to say, it wasn’t a large aquarium–but a small aquarium-like car.  In a storage locker.  Behind a pile of boxes.  And a mattress.

Welcome to the BMW Isetta–a 1950s “bubble” car.  Yes, it is not your imagination.  The only way in and out is through the nose–yup, a great safety feature, particularly after a front-end collision.  But no need to worry.  BMW has you covered.  If you should find your  exit blocked by a wayward vehicle of normal proportions, you should simply crawl out through the sun-roof.  I’m too short for this.  It’s likely that I could barely reach the top of the car, let alone pull myself out of it.

But I am not worried.  For one thing, I do not want a car that is shaped like a football–and is approximately the same size.   Furthermore, as I gaze at this feat of automotive genius, I realize that getting out after a head-on collision isn’t really a major concern.  You’d probably be dead anyway.  Even if said collision was with a wayward Junebug.

3)  Notice anything “outstanding” about the man in this photo?  Does anything “jump” out at you?

According to the people at the Guinness World Records, he is the proud owner of the largest nose on the planet.  That’s nothing to sneeze at.

Mehmet Ozyurek of Turkey has a honking huge proboscis–measuring in at 3.46 inches from the bridge to the tip.  Isn’t he the nosy one?

And one last pun…now you “nose” more than you did before.  I’ll have to beg your forgiveness for that one.

Cars from Mars, Giant “Hamsters,” and Aliens in Siberia

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?”
“Ask a glass of water!”    Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.  

1)  You seemed to enjoy yesterday’s toothbrush question, so here’s another one.  What was the most popular car colour in 2011?  No peeking.  I said “no peeking!” Okay, since you seem determined to cheat, I am going to tell you the answer a little bit later.  First, here’s a chance for you to let your opinions be heard.  Which of the following “weird” cars, do you like the best?

You can vote for your freaky fav by using the “comment” button below.  I’d love to hear your what you have to say.  I’m partial to the Dr. Seuss-ish flower car.   It’s whimsical–plus, it has a baby.

Okay, so here is the answer you’ve been waiting for.  According to the 2011 DuPont Automotive Color Popularity Report (who knew there even was such a thing), white and silver tied for first place with 22% of the global share.  We humans certainly lack imagination.  Here’s the final tally:

1.    White/White Pearl and Silver – tie, 22 percent
3.    Black/Black Effect – 20 percent
4.    Gray – 13 percent
5.    Red – 7 percent
6.    Blue – 6 percent
7.    Brown/Beige – 5 percent
8.    Green – 2 percent
9.    Yellow/Gold – 1 percent
10.   Others – 2 percent

A big cheer for the “others”–the pink, purple, and multi-hued car owners who dare to thumb their noses at the other 98% of the world!

2)  This has always been one of my favourite Internet finds…the caption below this picture says “the thing is, I told her you were a hamster.”  Clever.

So, what is this mutant creature?  A groundhog from Chalk River?  No, this is the world’s largest rodent, the Capybara.  They hail from South America and can weigh up to 150 lbs.  And I thought my eight-pound Guinea Pig was big.

But seriously, I can think of nothing cooler than sitting on the sofa with my big rodent.  I want one.  I think I would name him Herbert.

3) I am a sitcom-addict, as many of you know, but last night between the hours of 9:30 and 10:00, I encountered a comedic void.  I was forced to watch something educational.  Ugh.  At least it involved aliens.  Here is what I learned thanks to Ancient Aliens.  

I don’t know about you, but when I think of “Siberia,” I think of bitter cold and desolation–not exactly a sought after travel destination.  Now, I have another reason for not going there.  The Valley of Death.  The name alone is a pretty convincing “No Trespassing” sign, but some people are stupid.

This 100,000 square km swath of swamp and uprooted trees is home to massive clouds of mosquitoes and something much more sinister–something that has been said to cause blistering sores, intense nausea, fevers, paralyzing headaches, and sudden blindness. Again I must ask, why would anyone go there?  These are the same people that ignore their haunted house when it loudly tells them to “get out.”

The local indigenous peoples, the Yakut, claim that every 6 centuries or so a giant fireball shoots out of the valley into the sky.  Hmm.

In the 1850’s and right up to the 1930’s, various people including travelling merchants, explorers, and geologists, reported finding massive cauldrons in this location.  Many later became ill.  Hmm again.

But here’s where things become complicated.  Remember this is a swamp.  Ivan Mackerle, well-known explorer of all places mystifying, strapped on a powered hang-glider and buzzed his way around the area in question.  What he and his men found were a series of strange-looking rings that definitely did not resemble “natural” occurrences.  So what would you do if you found a bizarre looking annulus in the middle of a marsh–poke it with a stick, of course.  Using a 2-meters long branch, they discovered that something very cauldron-like lurked beneath the water.  And there were several of them.  Yikes.

Then they hit the jackpot.  Literally.  They found a 10 meter cauldron on its side covered in mud.  Their vodka-riddled celebration was cut short as they all became deathly ill–not hangover ill I must add.  And then it snowed on them–lots–even though it was June (and we think we have bad weather).

So what are we to make of these strange big “pots” in the middle of the Russian no-man’s land?  Well, apparently, we are supposed to conclude that these are large alien “missiles” left behind to protect earthlings from less-than-desirable extra-terrestrial types who would seek to conquer and plunder.  Of course!  That makes perfect sense.  Dick Solomon, Alf, and The Great Gazoo are all earth-friendly aliens.  Surely, there must be more who would wish to fend off earth’s foes–the ray-gun-happy Marvin the Martian types way up in the sky.

At 10:00, Seinfeld came on.  And my mind returned to its usual resting state.

The Origins of Embiggen, Murphy the Molar, and the Lap Pillow

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”  Robert Benchley.

I don’t know if you noticed (I’m hoping someone did), but I changed my blog’s name.  Apparently, the other one was too hard to spell–unless you speak fluent Italian.  I should have known it would be problematic when I–its creator–kept having to double-check the spelling.  What can I say?  I’m not too bright.  But, that’s the whole purpose of this blog–to learn new things and, if nothing else, to make me brighter.

1) I decided to kill the proverbial “two birds with one stone”–explain why I named my blog  The Embiggens Project, while giving you a new and life-changing piece of information.  Do you detect the sarcasm?

No blog is complete without a Simpsons reference.  Not only is the show brilliant, but it is the longest-running sitcom in history.  And it has filled this blogger’s brain with a plethora of useless information.  A perfect example is a history of the word “embiggen.”

“Embiggen” was actually born in 1884, in a British journal entitled Notes and Queries: A Medium of Intercommunication for Literary Men, General Readers, Etc.  It sounds official enough, doesn’t it?  Just wait until you read the sentence that introduced the world to this new verb–“but the people magnified them, to make great or embiggen, if we may invent an English parallel as ugly. After all, use is nearly everything.”  So, there we are.  Embiggen=make great.

Embiggen later found its way into scientific journals dealing with string theory.  You know that when a word has been deemed acceptable by the science world, it has truly hit the big time.  But “embiggen” was destined for bigger and better things and thanks to a community of yellow cartoon characters with eight fingers, it entered the homes of millions of TV viewers.  Although it seemed to have only stuck in the minds of a few of us.

On a statue of Jebediah Springfield–the founder of the town which is populated by the Simpson clan, the Flanders, the Comic Book Guy, Krusty the Klown, the Wiggums, Apu, and Milhouse–is the town’s motto  “A Noble Spirit Embiggens the Smallest Man.” So there you have it.

2) Okay, so I have been dying to find a way to incorporate “Murphy the Molar” into my blog and I have finally done it!  (Does anyone else remember this singing tooth who starred in television commercials in the early 1970s?  I know that I will have his theme song stuck in my head for the rest of the day, which isn’t really a bad thing.  It makes me smile).

Back to the task at hand.  I have a question for you.  What is the most popular colour of toothbrush?  I’ll give you a moment to think about that.  Here’s a hint–my husband is using one right now.

I don’t really feel like getting up to answer the door, so I’ll give you the answer–BLUE.  Yes, apparently this is a colour that both sexes enjoy.  Next time you are shopping, be bold–go for neon yellow or hot pink.  Turn the dental hygiene world on its ass and maybe next year’s stats will be completely different.

A special thanks to Murphy.

3) The Japanese are truly innovative people.  I recently featured their square watermelon, but now I have found an even more intriguing (polite way of saying bizarre) invention–the Hizamakura Lap Pillow.  Yes, a pillow that resembles the lower half of the female torso.  “She” comes in a red skirt or a black one and retails for $131 US.

To make things even stranger, the manufacturer also offers a “maid costume” version–a model that is currently SOLD OUT.  Yes.  Sold out.

And, in case the ladies are feeling left out, we can always purchase a “boyfriend arm” pillow.  Buy a bunch of each and turn your bedroom into a body-part riddled crime scene.

People have way too much disposable income.

Teeny Tires, A New Ghost Town, and A Coveted Pez

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”  Kurt Vonnegut.

I think I had too much caffeine yesterday.  As you know, I am usually hyper–a “can’t sit still,” twitching & yapping, multi-tasker–but, yesterday, I was all this times ten with a touch of nausea thrown in.  This is why I don’t drink coffee.  And from now on, I will give Tim Horton’s Iced Capps a wide berth too–no matter how yummy and Coffee Crisp-like they are.

Today, I am suffering from post-caffeine exhaustion.  Hopefully, my mind-numbing stupor will not show through in my writing.  If it does, I apologize and promise to limit my beverage consumption to water and herbal tea K-cups.  Do we have a deal?

1)  Here’s a question for all you car people…who is the world’s largest tire manufacturer?  I’ll just sit here for a minute, while you run out into the nearest parking lot and examine people’s tires.  (In an attempt to pass the time, I decided to create my own muzak…but now I am plagued by the crooning of Tom Jones echoing in my head).

Are you finished yet?  The answer is LEGO.  Yes, they produce more tires, albeit smaller ones, than any other tire manufacturer.  381 million in 2011 alone.  That’s a lot of teeny tiny tires.

2) What images spring to mind when you hear the words, “Ghost Town?” For some reason, I imagined a town populated by Casper and friends, but that’s probably just me.  Most of you probably thought of abandoned Old West-style buildings like the ones pictured here.

Turns out that the modern-day Ghost Town (isn’t that an oxymoron?) is nothing like any of us conjured up at all–at least not in New Mexico.

Plans for an ultra-modern community boasting homes, office buildings, warehouses, retail outlets, sewers, and pretty much everything else one would expect to find in a bustling city of 35,000 inhabitants have been unveiled.  The only thing that will be missing is the inhabitants.  CITE, otherwise known as Centre for Innovation, Testing, and Evaluation will be just east of Hobbs, New Mexico.  And why the heck are they doing this?  In the name of research.  The goal is that CITE will become the testing grounds for smart and green technologies from around the world.  Already, companies are eager to road-test unmanned vehicles and geothermal power sources here.

In an age of homelessness and unemployment, does it seem strange that we are building houses for no one to live in and industries that won’t employ a soul?

3)  I admit it.  I’m a giant PEZ head.  I can’t get enough of these brightly coloured dispensers with eyes.  Funny, I don’t like the candy.  Just the containers they come in.  I think my fascination started thanks to an episode of Seinfeld, which leads to another passion of mine–anything Seinfeld–but we’ll save that for another day.

So, today I decided to entertain myself (and hopefully some of you) with one of many fascinating PEZ facts.

I have always coveted the Mr. Bean Pez collection.  Who wouldn’t?  There’s a miniature yellow Leyland Mini and a plastic rendition of Teddy.  Too cute.  Well, turns out that I should have had my heart set on another, albeit ugly, PEZ–a 1982 World’s Fair Astronaut–the most expensive PEZ ever.

This antithesis of cute fetched a hefty $ 32,205.00 US on e-bay, without a doubt causing some eyebrows to raise.  Some people just have way too much money.

AND you may have noticed that I changed the name of my blog.  Or maybe you didn’t.  Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.  Apparently, “Abbraccio Conoscenza” aka “Embrace Knowledge” in Italian was too hard to remember.  I picked my brain for one of my favourite pop culture references and voila–Lisa Simpson’s “embiggens” popped into my mind.  So, here’s to embiggening your dendrites and increasing your hat size.

Peeping, Tomcats, Cruise, and All Things “Tom”

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”   George Carlin

Yes, I missed my blog yesterday.  But in my defence, I did write.  A LOT.  And then my head hurt.

But now I am re-focussed and totally dedicated to filling your minds with useless morsels of information.   So, here we go…

Really weird things occur to me in the middle of the night and last night, I began to wonder why there are so many negative phrases about people named “Tom.”  Think about it.  There’s the lascivious leering “Peeping Tom,” the word’s most famous sceptic, “Doubting Thomas,” the caterwauling “use the girls and spit them out afterwards” Tomcat, and the phrase that stresses the “average-ness” of every “Tom, Dick, and Harry.”  What has the world got against Toms?  I know lots of Toms and they seem to be really great guys.

I decided to look at the origins of some of these phrases and here is the general consensus.

1) The term “Peeping Tom” started in Coventry, UK when Lady Godiva decided to take a naked horse ride through town to convince her greedy husband to lower the taxes levied against the poor.  (Yes, ladies.  A whole new way to get what you want.  I can hear it now–“give me your credit card or I’ll march through Walmart in the nude.”  My husband might hand over his Visa just to spare the general public.) Apparently, the town agreed to turn their eyes away from her flesh, but one man did not.  This man’s name was, of course, Tom.

2)The Bible’s Doubting Thomas really needs no explanation, so I will move on to the Tomcat–a common word that really has a boring birth story.  Some people have attributed it to Tom & Jerry, but it existed long before this cartoon was even conceived.  It simply stemmed from an eighteenth-century children’s book about a cat named Tom called The Life and Adventures of a Cat.  Quite frankly, I was disappointed.  And now I have disappointed you.

After scouring the Internet, and asking every Tom, Dick, and Harry, it would appear that no one knows the origin of the phrase “Tom, Dick, and Harry.”  I guess a modern-day version would be every “Brandon, Alex, and Cody.”  Somehow, it just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

3)  While we’re on the subject of “Tom’s”, I felt compelled to give a shout out to my fellow Robert Hopkins Public School-ites with a pop culture tidbit on my least favourite Tom, Tom Cruise.

In case you weren’t aware, Mr. Cruise spent  several years of his childhood in Beacon Hill, a neighbourhood in Ottawa’s east end–as did I.  In fact, he attended Robert Hopkins Public School for grades 3, 4, and 5.  I was there for grades 4, 5, and 6.  And we were both taught by Pennyann Styles and Shirley Gaudreau.  Normally, having so much in common with a huge movie star would be exciting, but come on–it’s Tom Cruise.  The Oprah couch-hopping, Scientology-spouting, moron who attacked Brooke Shields for taking medication for her postpartum depression.   Six degrees of separation would never be enough.

Mutant Fruit, Lost Arms, and a Funky Highway

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in May 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin

I must apologize for my absence yesterday, but quite frankly, I had better things to do.  Haha.  Seriously though, the penance for my blogless day involved driving the cell-phone signal no-man’s land that is highway 41 in the dark.  Furry creatures with marble eyes scurried to and fro in front of us.  Porcupines threatened to puncture our radiator with their menacing quills.  And, of course, it was so very boring.  And long.  And did I tell you it was boring?

Well, we did make it home.  Finally.  And I now must present you with the daily blog fix that you have been waiting for–

1)  Japanese researchers have found a solution to a problem that I didn’t even know I had.  Apparently, I have experienced a great deal of frustration surrounding the storage of my round fruits.  It seems that I have also had great difficulty slicing said objects.  Thank God they pointed this out because now I really want to buy the product they are pushing…square watermelons.

Yup.  You heard me right.  Forget curing cancer or solving the word’s hunger problem.  We have bigger fish to fry…melons are rolling around willy-nilly in the bottom of fridge’s all over the globe!  What if one of these giant orbs accidentally squishes the Wonderbread?

Using tempered glass boxes, scientists have managed to alter the shape of the watermelon without compromising its quality.  The only problem is that when these babies first rolled (oh ya, they can’t do that anymore) into Japanese supermarkets in 2001, they cost the equivalent of $83 US.  I think at that price you could afford to replace the squashed Wonderbread.

2)  Okay, this is the strangest piece of information that I have come across yet.  It made me laugh and cringe at the same time.  And, according to Snopes, it’s true.

In 1997, a huge tug-of-war was held in a Taipei park to celebrate Retrocession Day.  1600 people pulled with all their might on a 5 cm thick, nylon rope.  They should have known a disaster was likely to happen.  The rope snapped with tremendous force, taking with it a pair of arms.  No really.  Two men each had an arm torn off just below the shoulder.

Thankfully, both arms were returned to their owners during 7 hours of surgery.

3)  I don’t know if this is new or if up until now, I have been the world’s least observant person, but there is a stretch of the 401 between Belleville and Kingston that is a manufacturer’s road paint test strip.  On our way back from Newmarket yesterday, we kept seeing signs forewarning us of “test paint strips.”  My husband and I obviously aren’t the brightest bulbs in the box because we both looked at each other with dumb, blank looks on our faces and said in unison, “what the hell does that mean?”  Well, we received our answer a few metres later–in techno-colour.

While this picture shows drivers off to one side, forbidden from driving on the psychedelic markings, we had the privilege of running right over them.  Plus, not all of these strips are tidy, horizontal lines as shown here.  That would be too boring to mention (although maybe this is still too boring to mention).  There were dots and slashes and vertical lines too.  I, of course, have to wonder what effect these would have on an illiterate (thus unable to read the explanatory signs) person at night.  Would they think they had fallen asleep at the wheel and had somehow wound up driving onto a banquet hall’s carpeting?  (I’m sorry, but those places really do seem to have the ugliest prints on the floor).