The Top 10 Bunnies in Need of Professional Help

The bunny rabbit is probably one of nature’s gentlest creatures—from the tip of its twitching nose to the end of its puffy cottontail, everything about a bunny screams out “hug me.” Even the name “bunny” is sweet—hence its pairing with the words “honey” and “snuggle.” Heck, the rabbit is even too gentle to eat other animals—preferring, instead, to nibble demurely on tender greens.

Yes, in the animal kingdom, the bunny rabbit is a seemingly well-adjusted pacifist who is comfortable in his own fur. But every once in awhile, we come across a troubled specimen—a rabbit that is simply unable to adhere to his society’s expectation of what a rabbit should be. Here is a list of some of our favourite non-traditional hares, the ones we’ll refer to as “bunnies with issues.”

White Rabbit

Despite his impeccable grooming and formal attire, Alice in Wonderland’s White Rabbit demonstrates an intense preoccupation with time and punctuality. He appears to suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and an unhealthy attachment to his clock.

He also exercises negligence—bordering on the criminal sort—by luring unsuspecting females into his hole, showing little regard for their mental and physical safety. This fastidious clock-watcher and abductor is, indeed, a bunny with serious issues.

Cadbury Bunny

The Cadbury Bunny does provide a greatly appreciated service to the human population, but he does so at great expense to his psychological well-being. He is a rabbit who believes that he is a chicken. As a result, he can no longer communicate with his fellow bunnies—preferring, instead, to cluck.

His alter ego is so strong that he has actually undergone severe physiological changes—changes so horrific that he is now able to lay eggs. Even more disturbing, these eggs appear to be covered in shiny foil. This delusional bunny may, in fact, require institutionalization before his rabbit qualities are lost forever—but, for now, he simply remains one of the world’s most troubled bunnies.

The Energizer Bunny

The Energizer Bunny may appear to have his act together. He has held a steady job for several years, he believes in protecting his eyes from the sun’s harmful rays, and he plays a musical instrument. But beneath his seemingly polished appearance lurks a raving workaholic—willing to sacrifice life and limb for the sake of his career.

His dedication and reliability may have earned him a stellar reputation among Hollywood’s movers and shakers, but it has also left him with no time for friends or family. Like a chocolate Easter bunny, he is a shell of a rabbit with only his career to keep him alive.

His job has also put him in harm’s way on several occasions including encounters with Darth Vader, Dracula, Wile E Coyote, and King Kong. He has even endured an alien abduction where he underwent God-only-knows what types of unspeakable torture.

Whether the root of his troubles stem from schoolyard teasing about his baby pink fur or from being launched into a life of fame at an early age, the fact remains—he is one twisted little bunny with a whack of issues.

The Open Season Rabbits

Admittedly, rabbits are not exactly the Vin Diesel’s of the animal kingdom—nor do we expect them to be. They abhor violence and are rarely the aggressors in forest melees. But that is not to say that they suffer from low self-esteem or that they willingly assume the role of a doormat—or a bunny fur rug. They do not voluntarily surrender carrots to their foes. And they certainly would not willingly give you their foot—good luck or not.

This is why the bunnies of Open Season are so disturbing. A psychologically healthy bunny would not let you catch him in the first place, but if he was having a slow day and you did happen to snatch him up—he would not passively allow you to fling him at a window. And he would surely not stand idly by and wait for you to do it again. These bunnies are obviously in need of therapy to cope with their many issues. And they may also require CT scans.

The Nestle Quik Bunny

The Nestle Quik Bunny is, perhaps, the most poignant example of a rabbit suffering from the effects of substance abuse. This short brown fellow with the pink button nose will sacrifice all of his hopes and dreams—achieving the high score in his favourite video game, mastering the art of ping-pong, and reading great masterpieces—to acquire his next hit of this rich and thick chocolate beverage. Armed with a straw and a spoon, this addicted little fellow has been known to lapse into prolonged periods of depression if denied his drug of choice. It is his addictive personality that has earned him a spot on this Top 10.

Harvey

Harvey, the six-foot tall and invisible rabbit, likely suffered a great deal of taunting as a young bunny. But the havoc he unleashed on poor Elwood P. Dowd’s life was unthinkable. Revealing himself only to Mr. Dowd, Harvey became the lonely man’s best friend and confidante—all the while guarding his own identity in a CIA-like fashion that even the Snuffleupagus would envy. And poor Mr. Dowd quickly became the town laughing stalk.

A sane bunny would have revealed himself and eased his human companion’s pain. Harvey Rabbit may have been the victim of a painful childhood or, perhaps, he suffered from an extreme personality disorder. Either way, Harvey’s lack of transparency—that, ironically, was caused by an excess of transparency—makes him a bunny with major issues.

Hoodwinked’s Boingo

As a master con artist, Boingo Bunny, has cleverly duped his fellow woodland creatures into believing that he is something he is not—a a mild-manner lagomorph who wouldn’t hurt a soul. This false persona enables him to get his filthy little paws—no, really, they’re filthy–on many a stolen confectionary. Of course, his furry white brows, rusty brown belly, and penchant for carrot crumpets make him an endearing little fellow, aiding his evil plans.

Perhaps, Boingo’s problems manifested after losing his coveted job working for the Muffin Man. Or maybe he was dropped on his head several times as an infant. Whatever the cause, Boingo obviously suffers from some deep-seeded psychological issues that have led him to abandon his good nature and choose, instead, a life of malicious crime. Indeed, Boingo is a bunny who suffers from serious mental problems.

Wallace & Gromit’s Were-Rabbit

Wallace’s alter ego, the Were-Rabbit, demonstrates why God made rabbits small. Much of a bunny’s image as a docile, gentle creature can be attributed to its meagre size. If you enlarge even the sanest of rabbits to the size of the Volkswagen that bears their name, the result will be anything but demure. Bunny hops will become earth shattering. And a ravenous monster rabbit or “were-hare”—now I know why they didn’t use that name in the title—would be capable of wiping out a farmer’s market stand in no time, leaving nothing behind but a heap of useless melon rinds and lettuce cores. The Were-Rabbit, perhaps, could benefit from extensive behaviour modifications in order to adjust to life as an overly large rabbit.

It would seem that the bigger the bunny, the bigger their issues.

Roger Rabbit

Now Roger isn’t a bad bunny. In fact, if a real rabbit were to be anthropomorphized, he is pretty much how many of us imagine one would be—fun loving, energetic, and desperately in need of Ritalin. Much of the troubles that he experiences in his life can actually be attributed to the fact that he possesses a relatively low intelligence quotient—making him a prime target for manipulation.

Roger also suffers from the most intense allergic reaction to alcohol that the research community has ever observed. One drink transforms this simple-mind, but loveable bunny into a force of unstoppable destruction—annihilating everything in his wake. Roger’s alcohol-riddled alter ego and dim wit earn him a spot as a bunny in need of help.

Bugs Bunny

Bugs Bunny is a classic example of a rabbit who suffers from multiple psychological issues. Admittedly, Bugs possesses the highest IQ that the scientific world has ever encountered within the rodent order. It is, perhaps, his immeasurable intelligence that has caused him to be ostracized by his fellow rabbits—forcing him to adopt the role of human.

Bugs’ delusions of grandeur have earned him countless enemies, which include in their numbers several humans, one duck, a coyote, an extra-terrestrial, a witch, and a large red hairy thing. Bugs exhibits an inability to get along with others, which is exacerbated by the fact that he is extremely paranoid—believing that everyone he encounters is “out to get him.” His irrational fears often lead to bizarre behaviours such as wearing women’s clothing and lashing out with violent acts.

It would also appear that the laws of gravity do not affect him.

Bugs is a bunny with multiple issues who could likely keep a therapist busy for years—earning him the number one spot on our list.

A one-armed Mickey, a duck with skates, and a kid with a hole in his head

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in April 2013 and tagged with 1970s toys, Avon Snoopy Soap dish, Barbie, Barbie bus, Brady Bunch, british bear, Bugs Bunny, Charlie's Angels, Daffy Duck puzzle, Giant Tinker Toys, Hot wheels race track, Humor, Humour, Light up drawing desk, Lite Brite, Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse record player, mini pinball, monkey bars, Rock Tumbler, Tinkertoy, View master, vintage toys April 25, 2013

My dad worked for one of Canada’s Big 5 banks, and up until I was around five years old, I believed that his bank was, by far, the best. So, what earth-shattering event took place at such a young age that could destroy a child’s faith in the high world of finance? I admit that a grade one student whose entire financial experience resided in a tiny copper piggy bank hadn’t likely developed a understanding of banks at all–they were big building that had lots of money in them. And one of them had a desk for my dad. So, okay–I didn’t exactly have a huge emotional attachment to any institution. The only objects that I truly trusted were my rubber Avon Snoopy soapdish, my talking Bugs Bunny, and a hand-made British bear that seemed to suffer from an identity crisis–it “mooed” when I turned it upside down. Don’t ask.

My Snoopy soapdish looked like this. And I loved him.

The day that I learned that my “daddy’s work” sucked began with a giant set of Tinker Toys. Don’t get me wrong. Tinker Toys are great. They are, perhaps, the greatest toy ever created. And these weren’t just ordinary sticks and connecting wheels. These were GIANT. The problem with these particular Tinker Toys was that they had the audacity to show up at the home of my arch nemesis. Yes, I had one of those.

Seriously, what kid wouldn’t want to build their own Flintstone car?

He was a short redhead–much like myself. You would think we would have been great allies. But he was a natural sniveler who loved to run to his mother every time one of the other neighbourhood boys gave in to the temptation to punch him in the freckle, push him off the monkey bars, or step on his throat. And, as the lone girl amongst a gaggle of boys, he often pointed his accusatory (and nose-picking) finger in my direction.

Some kids just seem to scream out “step on my throat.”

And his mother was an equal opportunity yeller. She had no problems screaming and waving her manicured finger (which I also suspect spent a great deal of time up her nose) at me too.

Monster kid loved to get other kids in trouble–hence the permanent shoe print on his larynx. His favourite method of torturing me was to jump on my bed as loudly as he could, wait for my mother to come in and tell us to knock it off, and then point his aforementioned snot-digging digit in my direction and say, “she did it.” My mom was on to his evil ways, and simply rolled her eyes–at least that’s what my 45-year-old self imagines that she did. It turns out that the big square lightshade over my bed was tired of this kid–and it was determined to do something about him.

Look at it. All innocent looking. But what is it really thinking?

Shortly after, brat boy was leaping his little heart out–as if he actually had one–soaring higher and higher into the air. He grinned and let out a maniacal laugh, which must have infuriated my lightshade because the next thing I knew, its corner was stuck in the side of my nemesis’ head. I was horrified. And impressed that the kid had actually jumped high enough to hit the light in the first place. But I was mostly horrified. I imagine that I quickly scooted my stuffed friends off my bed and away from the wounded kid’s blood–and cooties.

It’s damn hard to get blood out of fun fur.

That is also the day that I learned that people could actually be “sewn” back up. Freaky.

And, from that moment on, I looked at my lightshade with a new-found respect and awe. On the one hand, I was thankful for its display of allegiance. But, I was also leery of ever getting on its bad side.

Humans are like “build your own bears.” They CAN be stitched back together.

But I must get back to the Tinker Toys. Yes, it did bother me that this whiny little monster had a set, while I had to be satisfied (which I no longer was) with a regular, 5-year-old hand-sized, wooden set of sticks and connecting wheels. Yes, I could make cars–but I could NOT sit in them. This disturbed me to no end.

The biggest problem with these gigantic Tinker Toys was that they were a gift from his father’s employer–another one of Canada’s big 5 banks. My father, who I thought was the smartest man in the world, had made the horrifying error of working for the wrong bank. The one that gave out free pencils with their logo on them. Big whoop. And not the one that gave out mammoth-sized children’s toys.

Hm. Maybe I could have had fun with those damn pencils.

So, today I have decided to celebrate some of the best toys–giant and regular sized–that played an important role in my childhood. And to everyone else who is between the ages of…er…forty and fifty, these may bring back a few memories for you too.