Carotid artery | The Embiggens Project

“You take the money and I’ll grab the eyeballs. Oddly enough, that’s not the first time I’ve said that.” Barry Weiss, Storage Wars.

I want a nose for my car. Every now and then, I see a car driving down the road sporting a shiny, red proboscis and I think to myself, “Self, we’ve got to get our paws on one of those.” And, no, I am not making this up. There are people in my town with car noses. There’s even one automobile that sports eyelashes. Maybe it’s just my town. Must be the drinking water.

My car is not totally without facial features. It has teeth. Yes, I just said “teeth.” Not the ghastly, “I-want-to-suck-your-Carotid-artery” kind. Just happy, smiling, Osmond-white chompers. You are likely wondering where I found such an awesome ornament. (What? You are not wondering where, but “why?” I don’t understand.) They are the non-edible part of a candy/toy combo that I spied at Walmart. It’s amazing what you can find when you possess the intellect of a small child. My apologies to small children everywhere.

Yes. My car longs for one of these (or so I like to imagine).

During my search for the perfect breathing apparatus for my car, I discovered “Red Nose Day,” a Comic Relief-inspired, British charity event that encourages people and automobiles, alike, to sport a shiny, red nose. Sure, we idiots across the pond will adopt blood pudding, Haggis, and other UK-spawned spare animal part dishes. Heck, we even opened our airwaves to…ugh…Benny Hill. Why on earth have we not embraced the opportunity to wear giant red nostrils? It’s even for charity.

What the hell is that grabbing my leg?

1) Spotted dick aside, the Brits have given us a number of things that I am thankful for–Blackadder, Hyacinth Bucket, The Smiths, Death at a Funeral, and fish & chips, to name a few. But here is one tradition that I’m not sure I’d greet with such fervour. Yes, from the people that brought us the treacherous sport of Cheese Rolling, I now present–Bog snorkelling.

Once a year, strangely dressed, muck-and-mire enthusiasts descend upon Powys, Wales for their chance to win roughly $200 US and a mention in the Guinness World Records. All breathing must be done through your snorkel and you can only move using flipper power. And, apparently, the water is nut-shrivelingly cold–not that I own a pair. I’ve just been told.

Seriously, I love to swim as much as the next person. But swimming in a bog carved out of peat moss? There’s isn’t enough chlorine in the world that would make that seem alright. Ack.

I bet a removable nose would come in handy, especially during flu season. Or would the snot just run freely down your face? Hm.

2) Some noses are cute. Bert and Ernie’s bulbous orbs of felt. Long aardvark snouts. The whiskered hamster variety. And perfectly round, red ones on cars. (I know. Give it a rest already). It turns out that they are more than just cute and useful in oxygen intake. They have many uses. Noses hold eyeglasses in place. They give you something to pick when you’re bored. They make it possible to “thumb your nose” at annoying neighbours. And, apparently, they can blow up balloons. Honest. Here’s the proof…

Just what you want to explode at your child’s birthday party–a mucous-filled, booger-encrusted balloon. Ack.

But, wait! It gets worse. A nose can also be used to blow a marshmallow across the room into a moron’s open mouth. Yes, two gifted individuals from Illinois achieved the world record for pitching and receiving this nose candy over a distance of 16 feet. I hate marshmallows at the best of time, but this would truly be a marshmallow nightmare. Let’s hope they used the green ones.

3) Noses, eyelashes, and teeth aside, I love cars. Especially ones that sound mean. Rather than spending a lot of money getting a tricked out exhaust, I’ll think I’ll just drive around with this guy making throaty car noises over a loud speaker. Check it out…

watch?v=RSDUcKw-GOk

And no automotive blog would be complete without this baby…