Holy crappy crapperson!  In a period of twenty-four freakin’ hours we went from fields of green–okay, it’s spring, so they weren’t quite green.  More like fields of mud and straw, but I digress–to being buried in snow.  I know.  I live in Canada.  I should be used to snow.  After all, I live in a bloody igloo, right?  I’ve got a dozen huskies and a sleigh parked in the driveway.  NOT.  No matter what misconceptions you may possess about the land that we Canucks call home–snow in April is weird.  And wrong.

As I look out my kitchen window donning my darkest shades–snow is blindingly bright–I can’t help but wonder, “What would the world look like if snow wasn’t white?”  Imagine everything covered in a blanket of yellow.  Ew.  Nix that idea.  I keep hearing my uncle’s warning, “Never eat yellow snow.”  His wisdom is a thing to be treasured.

Who in the hell has been pissing in my yard?

I thought perhaps red–being green’s complimentary colour–might liven up the landscape.  But then how would anyone know if a mass murder has taken place in their back yard?

Maybe we’d best go with a hue that is close to red, but different enough to allow massive bloodstains to remain visible.  Fuchsia.  Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers would benefit from this.  How can anyone be depressed in a hot pink world?  Tourists from “snowless” territories would flock to the North en masse.  Seriously, who wouldn’t want to build a fuchsia snowperson?

If snow was always red, this wouldn’t be funny.

Then again, look at what happened to the poor pink Teletubby.  Would small children be “warned” against the evils of building hot pink snowmen.  Apparently, “real men”–and Teletubbies–don’t wear pink.

Don’t hate me because I’m pink. Hate me because I’m ugly.

One problem.  Pink snow would probably stain clothing.  Anyone who’s ever spilled a bottle of Pepto Bismol on white carpeting will know that pink is a bitch to get out.

Imagine French Kissing this thing?

1)  I haven’t eaten breakfast yet–and, after looking at this monstrosity, I don’t think I will.  Ack.  But speaking of strange-coloured things and Pepto Bismol made me think of the fact that an ingredient for the tummy-taming goop can actually turn your tongue black.  The culprit, Bismuth, can temporarily–thank God–transform a perfectly normal pink tongue into this.  Bismuth is designed to be consumed with water, so if you chew a tablet and don’t rinse right away, this could happen to you.  And, let’s face it, tongues are creepy at the best of times–all bumpy and covered in spit–but add some black fur and you’ve got yourself the star of a low-budget horror flick.

Apparently, black tongue isn’t harmful–unless you’ve got a hot date that night–and can be removed with some serious brushing.  Lucky toothbrush.

He’s gonna go for the tongue, I just know it.

There is nothing uglier than a tanned face. Other than the contraption designed to prevent a tanned face.

2) It would appear that in China, a tanned face is as undesirable as a black tongue.  And they will go to great lengths to maintain a porcelain complexion–lengths that include strapping on a face-shaped rubber glove.  Hm, nothing like the intoxicating aroma of latex and sweat on a warm summer day. Meet the Facekini–a sun protection device that resembles a Halloween mask gone awry.

Speaking of horror flicks, can you image a beach filled with these seemingly hairless, rubber-faced, crayon-coloured creatures?  They don’t even have eyebrows.  And the Facekini doesn’t even hide black tongues.

Has no one in China ever heard of SPF 60?

Apparently, being cute doesn’t make you popular.

3)  I still haven’t had breakfast and I have no idea what to have.  My conundrum made me wonder what America’s best-selling cereal is.  It turns out that the preferred cereal is not a flake, nor a crispy, and neither is it a cluster.  It is simply an “o”–a cheery one at that.

Yes, Cheerios may not boast an adorable mascot–unless you’re into the Honey Nut variety–but it can lay claim to more devoted fans than any other cold breakfast cereal.

Interestingly, Canadians also favour this vowel produced by General Mills.

Sorry, Sam.  You’re Froot Loops are pretty, but we prefer our circles bland.  And our boxes boring and yellow.

Crap, it’s lunchtime.  Gotta go.

Photo Credits:  Fur tongue (orabrush.com), worried toothbrush (drawception.com), Facekini (feeldesain.com), Teletubby (tvguide.com), yellow snow (furturemoons.com), wounded snowpeople (ibeatyou.com), Cornelius (retroplanet.com).