winter | The Embiggens Project

Holy crappy crapperson! In a period of twenty-four freakin’ hours we went from fields of green–okay, it’s spring, so they weren’t quite green. More like fields of mud and straw, but I digress–to being buried in snow. I know. I live in Canada. I should be used to snow. After all, I live in a bloody igloo, right? I’ve got a dozen huskies and a sleigh parked in the driveway. NOT. No matter what misconceptions you may possess about the land that we Canucks call home–snow in April is weird. And wrong.

As I look out my kitchen window donning my darkest shades–snow is blindingly bright–I can’t help but wonder, “What would the world look like if snow wasn’t white?” Imagine everything covered in a blanket of yellow. Ew. Nix that idea. I keep hearing my uncle’s warning, “Never eat yellow snow.” His wisdom is a thing to be treasured.

Who in the hell has been pissing in my yard?

I thought perhaps red–being green’s complimentary colour–might liven up the landscape. But then how would anyone know if a mass murder has taken place in their back yard?

Maybe we’d best go with a hue that is close to red, but different enough to allow massive bloodstains to remain visible. Fuchsia. Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers would benefit from this. How can anyone be depressed in a hot pink world? Tourists from “snowless” territories would flock to the North en masse. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to build a fuchsia snowperson?

If snow was always red, this wouldn’t be funny.

Then again, look at what happened to the poor pink Teletubby. Would small children be “warned” against the evils of building hot pink snowmen. Apparently, “real men”–and Teletubbies–don’t wear pink.

Don’t hate me because I’m pink. Hate me because I’m ugly.

One problem. Pink snow would probably stain clothing. Anyone who’s ever spilled a bottle of Pepto Bismol on white carpeting will know that pink is a bitch to get out.

Imagine French Kissing this thing?

1) I haven’t eaten breakfast yet–and, after looking at this monstrosity, I don’t think I will. Ack. But speaking of strange-coloured things and Pepto Bismol made me think of the fact that an ingredient for the tummy-taming goop can actually turn your tongue black. The culprit, Bismuth, can temporarily–thank God–transform a perfectly normal pink tongue into this. Bismuth is designed to be consumed with water, so if you chew a tablet and don’t rinse right away, this could happen to you. And, let’s face it, tongues are creepy at the best of times–all bumpy and covered in spit–but add some black fur and you’ve got yourself the star of a low-budget horror flick.

Apparently, black tongue isn’t harmful–unless you’ve got a hot date that night–and can be removed with some serious brushing. Lucky toothbrush.

He’s gonna go for the tongue, I just know it.

There is nothing uglier than a tanned face. Other than the contraption designed to prevent a tanned face.

2) It would appear that in China, a tanned face is as undesirable as a black tongue. And they will go to great lengths to maintain a porcelain complexion–lengths that include strapping on a face-shaped rubber glove. Hm, nothing like the intoxicating aroma of latex and sweat on a warm summer day. Meet the Facekini–a sun protection device that resembles a Halloween mask gone awry.

Speaking of horror flicks, can you image a beach filled with these seemingly hairless, rubber-faced, crayon-coloured creatures? They don’t even have eyebrows. And the Facekini doesn’t even hide black tongues.

Has no one in China ever heard of SPF 60?

Apparently, being cute doesn’t make you popular.

3) I still haven’t had breakfast and I have no idea what to have. My conundrum made me wonder what America’s best-selling cereal is. It turns out that the preferred cereal is not a flake, nor a crispy, and neither is it a cluster. It is simply an “o”–a cheery one at that.

Yes, Cheerios may not boast an adorable mascot–unless you’re into the Honey Nut variety–but it can lay claim to more devoted fans than any other cold breakfast cereal.

Interestingly, Canadians also favour this vowel produced by General Mills.

Sorry, Sam. You’re Froot Loops are pretty, but we prefer our circles bland. And our boxes boring and yellow.

Crap, it’s lunchtime. Gotta go.

Photo Credits: Fur tongue (orabrush.com), worried toothbrush (drawception.com), Facekini (feeldesain.com), Teletubby (tvguide.com), yellow snow (furturemoons.com), wounded snowpeople (ibeatyou.com), Cornelius (retroplanet.com).

People who love the winter have something seriously wrong with them. I don’t care if you’re an acrobatic back-flipping downhill skier, an expert snowperson builder, or the guy who salts our street like it’s a slab of pork rind–no one in their right mind would choose winter over the other three seasons.

In summer, you can like whatever the heck you want.

Who wants a nose that feels like it is full of small tenement blocks and bleeds every time you try to “clean it out?” I know–some of you are probably saying “EW!” right now. But you are not from these parts. We may have snow on the ground and damp in the air OUTSIDE, but our toasty homes contain air as dry as a popcorn fart. Nasal passages don’t stand a chance. I’m with George Costanza on this one–“with all that dry desert air, I bet that even Moses had occasion to pick.”

God help the women of Eastern Canada because boobs get itchy. I bet that every estrogen-owner north of the 49th can’t wait to find a private place to claw at her nipples. I know that you’re thinking about it right now. Go ahead. Scratch. I won’t look. I’ll be too busy with my own.

And who in the hell enjoys trying to get the bottom of their pants into a pair of tall boots. A person can’t wear skinny jeans every single day and normal ones make your boots all bloated and bumpy looking if you don’t put them in just right. It’s a pain, is it not?

Even a Super Hero wear a boot-cut jean every once in a while.

Even a Super Hero wears a boot-cut jean every once in a while.

And, holy crap–hair really does like to do its own thing in the winter, doesn’t it? No amount of goop can tame it. And I have long, curly, red hair. This is how I look from December to March.

He has quite the “do” going on, doesn’t he? My winter head is bigger.

You know how much I hate clowns. Just looking at this freak is disturbing me immensely. His hair is tamer than mine though.

The only difference is that my hair is not wool. Wool-like, yes. But not actual wool.

Please keep in mind, that the only resemblance that I have to these photos is the hair. I do not have a red triangular nose and pasty white complexion. Nor do I have Carrot Top’s freakish eyebrows or Raggedy Ann’s missing upper lashes. And my shoes aren’t sewn on to my feet.

1) Elaine Davidson of the UK, also the Guinness World Record Holder for the woman with the most piercings, would have one hell of a time trying to rid her nose of oxygen barriers. By 2006, she had been been punctured by 4225 piercings. With that many holes in her, she probably doesn’t float. Thankfully, she lives in the damp of Scotland and doesn’t have to worry about dry air encrusting her nose.

And, no. She doesn’t set off the metal detectors at the airport.

2) My shovel is not my friend. Spending time with him involves a lot of work. The snowblower is much easier to get along with.

But it turns out that I have been missing out on a perfect way to bond with my shovel–shovel racing. Yup. It really exists and wasn’t created by Canadians. In fact, this sport was born in New Mexico of all places.

At Angel Fire Resort, in the Southern Rockies, snow-shovel enthusiasts can be seen careening down mountainous slopes at speeds of up to 70 mph. Holy crap. Only old-school metal shovels are allowed. For some reason, visions of Clark Griswold‘s food-varnish-covered flying saucer springs to mind. But these snow-shoveled psychopaths aren’t in a movie, and trees don’t know to stay out of their way.

A recent variation of the sport involves hooking up your shovel to a horse, shouting a yee-haw or two, and going wherever your equine takes you. Yup, that’s just where I want to be when Black Beauty takes a dump. Under her butt on a shovel.

For the entrepreneurial shovel-rider.

3) One thing I really don’t understand is the whole “electrified outdoor clothing” trend. Why would anyone want electric mitts? Sure, they’re warm. But sitting on the electric chair is probably toasty too.

Mitts are meant for snow. Snow is made of water. Water and electricity don’t mix. If you build a snowball in electric mitts, will you electrocute yourself? I mean, it bodes well for your intended snowball victim. But it does seem like a rather harsh punishment for engaging in child’s play.

And what happens if your hands sweat?

Stress makes my hands sweat when I’m not wearing heated mittens. Worrying about my heated mittens killing me will definitely exacerbate the problem. What if your wearing your heated mittens while riding a shovel behind a horse and the horse pees on your hands? Will you die under a horse’s ass?

Heated mitts are clearly not for the neurotic.

I have to go. My nose is bleeding.

Photo credits: tongue stretch sarahsdoodles.wordpress.com, men in tights thefwoosh.com, Carrot Top guestofaguest.com, Ronald McDonald www.hcpl.net, Raggedy Ann poietes.wordpress.com, piercings www.telegraph.co.uk, shovel dude www.ibtimes.com, horse poop www.environmentalgraffiti.com, autopsy cartoon mobileintensiveprayerunit.blogspot.com.