Tag Archives: Gary Larson

WHAT HAS NO ARMS, SKINNY LEGS, AND A DIAPER?

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in October 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.” 
Mike Barfield.

If you’ve ever envied a bird’s gift of flight, you may have overlooked a few of their shortcomings. First of all, birds have to go through life without arms. Have you ever tried getting peanut butter off your beak without the benefit of hands? Other creatures are always making fun of how they walk. Strutting without swinging one’s arms looks…well…weird. Do you enjoy a casual saunter with your hands in your pockets? Again, the armless bird must forgo this option.

And that’s not where the bird’s tale of woe ends. Cursed with skinny legs and a lack of hips, they can’t even wear pants. And without arms, shirts are also out of the question. I suppose they could opt for a tank top, but I’ve not observed this fashion choice amongst my avian friends.

This brings me to another question. Why do we call one pant “pants” and why are they referred to as a “pair?” Some say it’s because they have two legs. This logic, however, is flawed. After all, a shirt has two sleeves, but it remains a lowly, singular item. Is this because we place more value on legs than arms? If so, this may do wonders for the self-esteem of birds everywhere.

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1)  Birds, like anyone else, need to have fun and I am sure that one of their favourite pastimes involves well-aimed poop and shiny red cars. As the owner of a shiny red car, I can attest to this fact.

Unfortunately, bored humans have found a way to a way to rob our feathered friends of this sport. Meet the avian diaper — a bird’s greatest humiliation. While a glimpse at Fanzy Pants‘ creations shows a myriad of colours and patterns, they all appear to lack pockets.

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https://www.instagram.com/p/Cpzgj-9oio9/

2) If lacking arms and spending life in a diaper isn’t bad enough, birds must also endure humans maligning their intelligence. After all, the term “bird brain” doesn’t refer to someone with a large IQ. Yes, it would seem that people consider the avian mind to be so inept that even Dan Quayle (ironically named for a bird) could beat it at a spelling bee.

Birds, however, are much more clever than we may think. Just look at the average avian diet. While a feast of caterpillars and crickets may not appeal to your pallet, it is quite healthy fare.

Scientists agree that insects are chalked full of protein, iron, and vitamins. In fact, David Gracer, an avid proponent of insects as an alternative food source, told Discover Magazine that gnawing on 100 grams of certain caterpillars can give you 28 grams of protein.That’s impressive. Unless you’re the caterpillar.  

And here’s a useful little ditty from Carte Blanche that will prove helpful the next time you go digging for your dinner:

Red, orange, yellow, forget this fellow.

Black, green, or brown, wolf it down.

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3)  Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a HUGE fan of crows.  And one of my very favourite roadside attractions are found in upstate New York on I-81 just south of the Ivy Lea Bridge aka the Thousand Islands Bridge. Yes, this remote area is home to three very large metal crows. When I first spotted the 11-foot threesome, I momentarily doubted my mental state. But my husband saw them too, proving that they were, in fact, real.

If you’re heading southbound, keep your eyes to your right. They are a bit far off in a field. Whatever you do — don’t blink or you’ll miss them. And you don’t want to miss them because they are awesome.

This feathered trio has been brought to life by sculptor, Will Salisbury, and is aptly named “3 Crows.” According to Salisbury’s Facebook page, the one pictured above is called “Charlie.” If you’re fluttering with excitement over seeing these avian masterpieces, your only option is to watch them whiz by your car window as there, apparently, is no public access to these beauties. Get your eagle eye ready.

 

Flying Paint Cans, Feet that Squirt, and Underpaid Dwarves

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in July 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I was coming out of the bank the other day as ominous storm clouds marched their way towards me.  All around me, people were telling one another that this could be a bad one–they had heard that tornadoes were possible.  Everyone was anxious to get home.  Me included.  But not my husband.  No, he wanted to soldier on and go to Canadian Tire as planned.  This is a man who does not believe in deviating off-course for any reason.  Even the threat of being yanked up and hurled through the sky in a “Dorothy & Toto” fashion would not thwart his plans.

Now, Canadian Tire is not the ideal place to be should a tornado decide to drop by.  Flying power tools scare me.  But my husband, God bless his stupidity  determination, had his eyes set on an even scarier section of the store.  The paint department.  I don’t know what he was looking for.  I was distracted by thoughts of sharing a wind funnel with large, heavy, and injury-inducing paint cans.  And really tall ladders with sharp edges.

I longed to be somewhere else, but there really isn’t a tornado-friendly section of Canadian Tire.  I wanted to be in a pillow store.

I guess you have deduced that we survived–no thanks to my husband–but there was a tornado in the area, so I am not totally neurotic.  Somewhat, yes, but not completely.

1)  Some pillows provide better tornado protection than others.  The “blood pool pillow” is too thin to keep you safe.   But, after you’ve safely landed wherever the tornado has dropped you, you can give your friends and loved ones a good laugh by posing like the woman pictured here.

No tornadoes scheduled in your area?  No worries.  Simply sprawl out on the kitchen floor with your blob-of-blood pillow around the time that your husband is due back from work.  It will make for hours of entertainment, I’m sure.

You can add this baby to your odd pillow collection by going here:  http://www.myefox.com/halloween-joke-blood-pillow-p-267588/source/googlebase

2)  The Wizard of Oz sort of disturbed me as a kid.  I much preferred the cartoon version with the catchy theme song.  

I do like the idea of being sucked up by a giant tornado and landing in a land full of  Munchkins.  Seriously, for once I’d be the tall one in the crowd.  And the kink that has developed in my neck from looking up all the time might iron itself out.  But, as the local giant, they’d likely look to me to settle their labour disputes with management.  Apparently, Toto earned significantly more money for his role as the dog than any of the little people did (it is reported that Toto rated $125 per week, but his short human counterparts received a mere $50 per week).

Frankly, I don’t want to get involved with any disputes that require negotiating with that little freak the Wizard or an evil witch.

Speaking of witches, I have unravelled the mystery of how on earth they created the illusion of fire when the witch tried to take Dorothy’s lovely red shoes.  Albeit, I had never pondered this mystery before.  Nor was I even aware it was a “mystery.”  But, if you have been pondering this feat (haha–pun intended), here is how they did it.  I caution you.  This is very high-tech.  Apparently, they squirted apple juice from the crimson footwear, sped the tape up to an awesome speed, and “voila”–it looks like fire.  Sort of.  Maybe if you squint.  Or remove your bi-focals.  Or if you don’t need bi-focals, put someone else’s on.

3)  I don’t particularly enjoy flying.  I guess with all this talk of high winds, I should qualify this statement.  While I don’t imagine I would enjoy flying in the “hurdling through the air” sense of the word, I am now referring to flying via the usual route–in an airplane.  I do it because Canada is enormous and it takes us forever to get anywhere.  Plus, I get sea sick, so it’s the only way to leave my continent.

On one particularly long journey, I encountered the strangest in-flight movie selection ever.  Alright, Snakes on a Plane would have been stranger.  We were treated to Twister.  Talk about facing multiple phobias at once.  I’m sure I saw a lot of Ativan-popping going on during that one.

The image of flying cows, apparently isn’t as far-fetched as we hoped it would be.  In fact, horses can fly too.  In Bowdle, South Dakota, in 1955, a nine year old girl was riding her horse when a tornado swept them both up.  The girl was deposited safely on the ground 1000 feet away with her horse standing beside her.  Both were unharmed with the exception of some hail welts.  This is a picture of the duo prior to the incident :

Sharon Weron aboard her horse

Never underestimate a cow.  

  Or a cat.  Meet the feline early warning system.

Photo Credits:  flying cow (http://gramme2006.blogspot.ca/2011/04/twisters.html), girl and pony (http://jaytrobec.com/index.php/state-of-extremes/real-life-qdorothyq), cartoons “the Far Side” by Gary Larson.

TomTom, 5 Little Pins, A Confusing Comic, and the Best Ice Cubes Ever

Posted by facelikeafryingpan in June 2012 and tagged with , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

“I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.”  Steven Wright.  

When Mike and I were driving home from Ottawa yesterday, we wound up smack-dab in the middle of two New Hampshire-plated TomTom mapping vehicles.  They had massive metal contraptions on their roofs that looked like 360 degree (I can’t find the “degree” symbol on my keyboard) cameras.  I, of course, had to wave frantically.  How often do you get to be a TomTom sandwich?

The vehicles looked just like this one that was spotted in Colchester, Vermont, which also has New Hampshire plates.  So, somewhere out there, in TomTom’s head office, someone is busily editing out the footage of the stupid red-headed girl frantically flapping her appendages at the green Toyota.  Isn’t that why they have big orange hands painted on them in the first place?  Aren’t they encouraging us to wave?

The great thing about waiting in the doctor’s office for an extended period of time is that I had a huge selection of magazines (albeit ones from several decades ago that sickly hospital hands have touched.  I hope you appreciate the perils I face in the name of knowledge).  Magazines are a great source of useless information.  And I thrive on useless information.  So, here’s what I found out:


1)  The first magazine I encountered was a ratty and aged edition of Canadian Living.  I’m almost certain that many Bubonic humans have coughed and sputtered all over this one.  This isn’t usually my type of fare, but I did manage to find a good pasta recipe (which I surreptitiously ripped out, folded into neat squares, and slipped into my purse).  Oops.  Did I do that?

With my trusty recipe in hand (or in purse), I soldiered on and learned something very interesting…Canadians have invented some pretty cool stuff.

Loyal readers were presented with a poll which contained a list of “5 Cool Canadian Inventions” and asked to vote on what their favourite was.  Here are the results:

1.  Zipper  (Without Canadians, the world would probably have Velcro flies and that would just be weird).

2.  Blackberry  (Sorry, but I’m not a fan of the whole “cell-phone-permanently-attached-to-the-face” craze, so this would be at the bottom of my list.  But it is nice that iPhones have some competition).

3.  Ski-Doo  (No surprise here).

4.  Walkie-Talkie  (The precursor to the cellphone.  Damn, we are to blame.)

5.  5-Pin Bowling  (I voted for this, but apparently, I am alone in my appreciation for this Canadian invention.  But, seriously, it’s way cool!  Smaller balls that fit nicely in little hands.  And, if you grew up on the Flintstones like I did, you will know that the 10-pin bowling ball can inflict all sorts of damage to your foot or to your best friend’s head.  Plus, it is way easier to keep score in the Canuck version.  Even I can manage adding up to 15).

2)  The next little gem comes to you care of Chatelaine magazine.  Again, this isn’t my favourite, but it also added some great recipes to my handbag.  Seriously, who could resist Chicken, Mango, & Brie Quesadillas?  Not this girl.

I have never been a fan of ice cubes.  If a beverage has been in the fridge, I will forego the ice cube every time.  It just makes your drink watery.  If I want a watery drink, I’ll drink water.

Turns out that everyone I know and every restaurant I have ever been to has been making ice all wrong.  To avoid flavour loss, you should make your ice out of the beverage that you will be putting it in.  Having a pitcher of ice tea?  Make ice cube with ice tea.  Who knew?  Like I said–no one.  Such an obvious solution too.

3)  One would think that a highbrow magazine like The New Yorker would be teeming with wonderful gems of knowledge.  Think again.  This magazine, for the most part, gave me a headache.  Seriously.

I remember an episode of Seinfeld in which Elaine struggled to understand a New Yorker cartoon and even after a lengthy discussion with the other characters, she was unable to decipher it.  Well, I now completely empathize with her conundrum.  For the life of me, I don’t get the humour in the comic pictured here.  Okay, so a guy is walking a bowling ball and a woman is walking her pins…10 of them, I might add.  Is this “love is just around the corner?”  Maybe.  Is it funny?  No.  It feels like a feeble and unfunny attempt to enter the bizarre (but humorous) world of Larson’s The Far Side and makes me beg the question–what does it mean?  Will they fall in love?  Or will his bowling ball pound the crap out of her pins?  Please…can someone explain this to me?  Seriously, I didn’t understand a single cartoon in the entire magazine and I really want to comprehend just one.

P.S.  Does anyone know how to do a degree sign in Word?